Bill Simons
New York
There are so many rules and laws in tennis that any brave soul who covers the game should have to pass a tennis bar exam just to get a media credential.
One of the key rules in the game is that a Grand Slam tourney can’t be certified as a legit Slam unless it submits a full resume of weird happenings.
After all, Slams have been played with no fans, fans running amok and fans streaking naked across the court. Majors have been played while wildfires loom, tornados lurk or floods threaten. We’ve seen players raise the roof with rage or lower their pants in Paris. We’ve seen them choke, suffer humiliation or skip out to go on fishing junkets in Scotland. One wife socked an ump. Jimmy Connors told an ump, “You’re an abortion.”
As for linespersons, one was bopped in the throat with a ball: think Novak. Another was threatened, “I’m going to shove this f–ing ball down your throat!” Think Serena. A linesman died after being struck by a Stefan Edberg serve. Both players and umps have been booted out of Slams.
Protesters have raised their voices. An Australian butterfly descended on Naomi Osaka’s nose. Players have shown up without rackets and used an underhand serve to change the tide of a mighty match.
Simply put, a Slam ain’t a Slam without a full dose of mind-boggling weirdness. But this year’s US Open may prove to be one of the wackiest of all.
For starters, there were some happenings that were brand new or edgy.
The tourney began on a Sunday and, well before it started, there was an event that turned mixed doubles, which is often a snooze-fest, into an intriguing fan favorite. Sure, many dismissed it as an exhibition, but fans voted with their feet, packing big stadiums. In the end, two legit dubs players – Sara Eranni and Andrea Vavassori, demolished an array of singles stars to claim the title and score an existential triumph for doubles devotees.
As for the tournament itself, it didn’t take long for it to take a stroll down Weird Avenue. The often befuddled, rarely boring Daniil Medvedev noted that a photographer briefly strayed out on court. And then the Russian delayed play for six minutes as he barked out that immortal tennis question: “What did Reilly say? What did Reilly say? What did Reilly say?” Just to make matters clear, he smashed his racket 23 times before exiting.
But the Open was just getting warmed up. Carlos Alcaraz showed up with a stunning buzz cut that, until we got used to it, cut into his swashbuckling image. And we tried to take a cut at AI by noting that they often humorously botch names.
We thought we were clever by noting that AI called Djokovic, Joke a Bitch. Belinda Bencic was Belinda Benches and Jessica Pegula was Just a Couple Gula. But our word play was nothing compared with Naomi Osaka, who displayed assorted Labubu dolls featuring tennis stars she dubbed Billie Jean Bling, Arthur Flash, Althea Glitterson and Andre Swagassi.
While an old icon, 45-year old Venus Williams, tried to rob time, a young, not-so-savvy thief tried to unzip Jannik Sinner’s racket bag in order to pull off a courtside “only in New York” heist. Quick – call in the National Guard!
Similarly, the boss of a Polish paving company snatched a hat signed by Kamil Majchrzak out of the hands of a young boy. Fans were outraged. Too bad the twittersphere relentlessly attacked the boss of a similar sounding but very different Polish paving company. Then again, we know social media never gets it wrong.
Karolina Muchova’s ex-boyfriend showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time. When he appeared near her bench during her match against Sorano Cirstea, the Czechia asked him to get out of there – she was at work. He refused – and she broke down in tears.
Stefanos Tsitsipas was far more good-mannered. Yes, he bashed balls directly at his foe, Daniel Altmaier. But at the net after their match, he had the courtesy to fully explain his intentions to the German, “Next time, don’t wonder why I hit you, OK?…I’m just saying if you serve underarm.” Ah, yes, such serves can rattle macho fellows.
Speaking of serves, in a bold, but perhaps ill-considered move, Coco Gauff decided to completely re-imagine her serve just days before the Open. She practiced so hard, so long, and in the rain, she almost hurt her shoulder. Then, during a changeover in the second round, she shook badly while having a panic attack, and later commented, “This was the worst I’ve ever felt on a court.”
If Coco was discombobulated, Jannik Sinner was composed, as he dismantled Alexander Bublik with ruthless efficiency. The wry No. 23 seed suggested that Jannik was created by AI. Many concurred.
Sinner may have displayed little emotion, but the turnaround quarterfinal win by Amanda Anisimova, who’d lost 6-0, 6-0 to Iga Swiatek in the Wimbledon final, was one of the great feel-good reversals in recent memory. Speaking of turnarounds, Taylor Fritz unintentionally (we think) turned his headband around so it read “Ssob” instead of “Boss.”
Even though she’d lost to Taylor Townsend, Jelena Ostapenko, the well-mannered Latvian (who, of course, is the ultimate arbitrator of tennis etiquette) thought she was the boss. She claimed the American had no class and was not educated.
Soon, journalists were educating the world about Taylor Townsend, who once referred to herself as, “Thick and Black and proud and excellent.”
Not so excellent were the comments of a British journalist, who all but insisted that, after her loss to Anisimova, Iga Swiatek should take a mental break.
More to the point, after all the bizarre happenings at this year’s Big Apple Open, tennis itself may need to take a mental wellness break.
– Vinay Venkatesh also reporting
