SLUMPING BODY LANGUAGE, SHANKED BACKHANDS, ERRANT VOLLEYS, THE CROWD MURMURING IN DISBELIEF: Federer en route to defeat in Rome.

 

YE OLDE ROPE A DOPE STRATEGY IS ALIVE: After getting into deep trouble in Monte Carlo against little-known Ruben Ramirez Hidalgo, Federer explained his problem, saying, “My opponent played so bad...he sort of faked me out.”

 

VULNERABILITY HAS ITS APPEAL: Now that Federer is revealing himself to be so human on court, fans are backing him with far more gusto and sympathy.

 

DARE WE UTTER THE MOST UNTHINKABLE THOUGHT IN TENNISDOM?: Is it even within the realm of possibility that Federer might not win another Grand Slam?

 

BREAKING ONE’S DUCK?: Follow us here. The British have a phrase —”Breaking one’s duck” — which means accomplishing something for the first time after several unsuccessful attempts. Example: by defeating Feliciano Lopez in Monte Carlo, “Andy Murray ‘broke his duck’ by notching his first victory at the renowned club.”

 

SAY IT ISN’T SO?: Now that a few thin-skinned folks complained about Novak Djokovic’s hilarious imitations, the Serb has informed us that he won’t be doing his side-splitting imitations which brought so many laughs to so many. “I heard that some of the players and people started to talk about my imitations in negative terms,” said Djokovic. “That’s what I don’t like, so I’ll stop.”

 

FED UP WITH FED CUP: After America’s dismal (where are all our stars?) Fed Cup performance in Moscow, Justin Gimelstob suggested, “Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the interest and solvency of Fed Cup in America and reallocate the USTA’s funds.”

 

LOVE IN THE AGE OF HBO: Our favorite love dialog of the season occurred when HBO’s Bryant Gumbel quizzed Venus Williams about her relationship with her longtime beau, golfer Hank Kuehne:

Gumbel: “You love him?”

Venus: “Why do you have to be asking that? I hate talking about my private life.”

BG: “I’m simply asking, do you love him?”

VW: “He’s a great guy. I love him. Thanks, Bryant. That’s against every rule that Serena and I have made up.”

BG: “That’s okay. It’s always guys who don’t say the L word.”

VW: “I know. But it’s very uncomfortable.”

BG: “Does he love you?”

VW: “He’d better.”

 

GEE, I KNOW THAT STRAPING DUDE WITH THE U-HAUL STRUGGLING TO GET THAT COUCH UP THOSE STAIRS: Of his new apartment in New York City, Andy Roddick confided, “One day I’m representing my country in Davis Cup in front of thousands ... and literally the next day I’m vacuuming, moving furniture, scrubbing toilets and walking things up and down flights of stairs all day...For those of you who have ever moved before, can you believe the amount of crap that is actually needed in a small place to function? It was the first and last time I had done it without help from a moving company.”

 

NOT OUR JOB: When Roddick was asked if Novak Djokovic’s pre-serve ritual is fodder for locker room debates, he noted, “When someone bounces the ball 25 times, it gets brought up in conversation, but I don’t think it’s our job [to control it]...It’s the umpire’s job.”

 

CAUTION: DEEP WITHIN MANY A PG-RATING LURKS AN X-RATED TROUBLEMAKER:
• David Foster Wallace contended, “TV tennis is to live tennis, pretty much what porn is to the felt reality of love.”

• A recent PBS-TV history of TV game shows recalled that when squeaky-clean Hollywood Squares contestant Florence Henderson was asked, “Will humming help your tennis game?” she replied, “Sure, why not. It takes your mind off your balls.”

•l American artist John Currin, whose controversial paintings walk a fine line between Old Master portraits and pornography, downplayed his abilities in the New Yorker. “My technique,” said Currin “is in one way comparable with that of a mid-level European painter of the 19th century. They had way more ability and technical assurance. It’s like learning to play tennis when you’re four or five years old — you know things you don’t even know you know.”

 

SO MUCH FOR THE GREATEST LOCKER ROOM ARGUMENT IN TENNIS: If Federer wins the French Open, most feel he will be anointed as tennis’ greatest of all time. SI.Com viewed Fed’s fate in Paris this way: “By beating a civil servant striking over his intolerable six-month vacation policy, a Rue de Rivoli accordion player, Yves Montand, a pastry chef, a cheese cart driver and Yannick Noah’s drummer, it will still mark a momentous achievement. This title is the lone conceivable missing entry on his resume. He wins and the Greatest Ever debate is officially over.”

 

WUZ WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?: TV coverage of tennis in the first quarter suffered some horrid setbacks (switching over to hockey or bass fishing at critical moments, losing the signal at match point, etc.) And things haven’t got much better since. As the pivotal Federer-Djokovic Monte Carlo semi wound down, we saw for a tantalizingly few seconds, a resigned Djokovic beginning to tell Roger that he was going to withdraw from the match, only to have the Tennis Channel instantly switch to a Progressive Insurance commercial. When the Tennis Channel finally returned from commercial, all we got was a standard wrap-up, but no analysis or insight about Djokovic’s abrupt withdrawal. So maybe if Progressive Insurance is so good, they should provide viewers with policies to cover unexpected crashes in TV coverage.

 

‘MR. QUERREY, THAT WILL ONLY BE $2,042 IN CHANGE FEES’: Sam Querrey reported the unintended consequence of his surprisingly successful results on clay in Monte Carlo. “When I came here, I was playing Moya on Sunday. I booked a flight home for Monday morning. Then, when I won that, I moved it to Tuesday morning. Won [Wednesday], moved it to [Thursday] morning. Then won. Then I’ve got to move it to Saturday.”

 

ROD VS. ROGER: After writer Ken Hoffman claimed that Rod Laver “was a better player then than Federer,” the Tennis Channel’s Murphy Jensen countered “You’re crazy. Federer would beat Laver 6-0, 6-0. Federer is the best of all time. He has shots that Laver never dreamed of.”

 

HEY, A ‘W’ IS A ‘W’: Jon Wertheim noted that Fed won his first tournament since November “by virtue of beating 77th-ranked Oli Rochus in three sets, 698th-ranked Vic Hanescu, No. 146 Federico (Kendall) Gil, and 104th-ranked Denis Gremelmayr in three sets. In the final, his opponent, Nikolay Davydenko, retired early in the second set.”

 

FED ANALYSIS OF THE MONTH: Clive White suggested that, “There is a misconception that Federer, after his first Wimbledon win in ‘03, was virtually unbeatable for the next three years. The truth is he lost eight times that year alone after his SW19 breakthrough. People forget that the likes of Borg and McEnroe were frequently beaten in their prime, it’s just that Federer has created this aura of invincibility, ‘a monster,’ as he calls it, and we won’t know if it has consumed its creator until after Wimbledon.”

 

PRESS-PLAYER DIALOGUES:

• A reporter asked Federer, “Many people say that this year is the beginning of the end. What do you think about that?” Roger responded, “Next question please.”

• Bonnie Ford noted after Sampras was asked “Do you still appreciate what you can do out there — I mean, do you appreciate yourself?” Sampras grinned and said, “I’m not that deep.”

 

JOIN THE CIRCUIT, SEE THE WORLD: The Challenger circuit is famed for its exotic locales, but how about that $50,000 event in Lebanon that was played less than 10 miles away from street fighting in Beirut (which left almost 40 dead)? The British winner Anne Keothavong said, “I always said I wanted to be involved in a bit of an adventure...[But]there was no way to know that the trouble wasn’t going to spread. Most of us have been worried about how we are going to get out, because the airport in Beirut has been shut down.” According to the London Times’ Neil Harman, a few French players contemplated escaping by boat to Cyprus. Keothavong’s plan involved a foreboding journey across unfriendly terrain to Damascus, a la T.E. Lawrence.

 

WHEN I TURNED 21 I JUST GOT DRUNK AS A SKUNK: Sharapova’s 21st birthday celebration in Manhattan was a morning-to-evening celebration that included assorted VIP sightings, including fashionistas Anna Wintour and Vera Wang. Nonetheless, Maria claimed she wasn’t a fast-lane type, noting that

 

“People don’t see me outside clubs at 3 a.m. I don’t like to party. I don’t like drinking.”

BTW: When Sharapova made her entrance onto the David Letterman show, the 61-year-old’s jaw dropped and he said, “WOW! And I mean this seriously — WOW! Let me put it another way — OH, MY GOD!”

 

BE GLAD YOU DON’T OWN A HONUS WAGNER BASEBALL CARD: Sports Illustrated’s Dan Patrick confided that he owns only two pieces of sports memorabilia — an Arnold Palmer-signed putter and a tennis racket autographed by Sampras. According to Patrick, he recently arrived at his home to discover that his son had left Palmer’s club out on the front lawn, and that his daughter had gone off to try out for her high school tennis team and had taken Sampras’ Wilson frame with her.

 

THE GRAY POWER OF JOHN MCENROE: Thirty-six-year-old Pete Sampras, who lost to 26-year-old Roger Federer in New York in March, recently lost to 49-year-old John McEnroe (who yes, has a 22-year-old son) in a senior matchup in Boston.

 

BEST IDEA OF THE MONTH THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN: The Miami Herald suggested, “What tennis really needs, as Navratilova has suggested, is to take a hard look at the wham-bam physics generated by its rackets, balls and court surfaces. But it’s unlikely to go retro and revive the artistry of yesteryear.”

 

THE MARTINA NAVRATILOVA-GINGER ROGERS GAP: When asked if she would consider a guest appearance on Dancing With the Stars, Martina Navratilova quipped, “Hell, no. Are you kidding me? High heels? Hello — can you see me in those high heels? No friggin’ way.”

 

ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER HEADLINE: After Andy Murray won his second round match in Monte Carlo the upbeat headline was “Murray Beginning to Fit Clay-Court Mould.” When he lost in the next round it was “Beaten Andy Murray Remains a Pretender On Clay.” After struggling big-time against little known Ruben Ramirez Hidalgo in Monte Carlo, headlines cautioned: “Federer Within Two Aces of Going Out to a Chronic Tour Loser.” Then, when he advanced in the next round, the headline was “Federer Back to his Brilliant Best.” Eventually when he lost the final, one banner read “Federer’s Collapse Gives Rafa Another Clay Crown.” After his loss in Rome, the sky again was certainly falling. One headline read, “Federer In Crisis as Opponents Lose Fear.”

 

A MONTH JUST AIN’T UP TO SCALE WITHOUT A SLIMY FISH HEADLINE: Mardy Fish Gutted by Andy Roddick

 

M*A*S*H: Jelena Jankovic suffered from a cold during the Miami final; Novak Djokovic pulled out of the Monte Carlo semi with a sore throat and dizziness; Federer, it would seem, has endured the lingering effects of mono; Nikolay Davydenko suffered from physical/mental exhaustion; Frenchman Richard Gasquet pulled out of the U.S. vs. France Davis Cup tie; defending champ Philipp Kohlschreiber withdrew from Munich with the flu; Justine Hein was a no-show at in Rome due to exhaustion; both Roddick (back) and Radek Stepanek (heat exhaustion) pulled up lame in the Rome semis and retired. (Fans got to see just 38 minutes of play in the Rome semis.)

 

BABY BOOM: Within the past year, Lindsay Davenport, Kim Clijsters (and her mom) and now Russian Anastasia Myskina have all had kids.

 

ONE FOR THE AGED: In Munich, Moroccan Younes El Aynaoui, 36, became the oldest semifinalist in an ATP tournament since 40-year-old Jimmy Connors in ‘93.

 

DON’T GIVE UP THAT DAY JOB: Despite a stroke-per-hole advantage in his match with Paula Creamer, James Blake lost a wager with the LPGA pro and was reduced to playing with a pink golf bag at a local Pro-Am.

 

‘TWO’ BAD: James Blake has lost two finals to two unknown non-Americans — Japan’s Kei Nishikori and Spain’s Marcel Granollers-Pujol in the finals of two rather small Southern tournaments — Del Ray and Houston — in just over two months.

 

ADDING INJURY TO INSULT: Beleaguered ATP boss Etienne de Villiers is not only dealing with the ATP’s financial woes, legal problems and an open player rebellion, the South African, who has also reportedly threatened to resign, recently tore a calf muscle playing a match at the All England Club — an injury that left him on crutches.

 

FIRST THINGS FIRST: Mary Carillo told the Tennis Channel that if she was the ‘commish’ of tennis the first thing she would do would be to demand a raise.

 

OLD EUROPE UP IN ARMS: Rafa Nadal has been a non-stop critic of the Spring ATP schedule: “The calendar is completely crazy. It’s not fair to the European players and the clay-court players, too. Three Masters in four weeks — it is too much.” Nadal added, ”These people are destroying Europe and Europe used to be the foundation of the tour.” [BTW: Europe may now be the epicenter of the circuit, but it wasn’t always that way.]

 

HOW GREEN IS YOUR ENGINE?: Serena claimed, “I’m an environmentalist. I try to recycle. I don’t have a Prius, but I’m going to get an electric car soon.”

 

THE PAIN IN SPAIN: Nadal and his Davis Cup teammates accused the head of Spanish tennis of opting for the commercial appeal of Madrid while disregarding its 1,500-foot altitude which presumably would give the high-flying Americans a competitive advantage when they came to play in September. The group has said they will boycott all promotional events for the tie.

 

UMPS AIN’T BLIND AFTER ALL: A British prof asserted that line judges are more accurate than players. According to Sussex University’s George Mather, who studied 15 ATP Tour events, only 8 percent of “close calls” are wrong in the average match. He found that out of 1,473 challenges, 94 percent were close calls — balls bouncing within 100mm of the line. “I wanted to see whether line judges’ perception is as limited as [John] McEnroe would have you believe,” said Mather. “But officials are actually remarkably proficient.”

 

OUT OF AFRICA: While Las Vegas’ Tennis Channel Open is packing up and heading over to South Africa, Durban-born Liezel Huber recently acquired U.S. citizenship. She recalled, “From the first day that I came to the States, I wanted to become an American. I was in awe of people who had an American passport...Here you can just go buy a house or create a job for yourself. You can vote. You can speak out if you don’t like something. There is so much to admire about America.”

 

WHEN TENNIS BECOMES ‘AN IRRELEVANT CONVERSATION’: Alarmed by unexplained bruises, a rash and a bloody nose, Jamie Baker was diagnosed with the potentially life-threatening virus Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura. The No. 2 Brit spent three days in an ICU unit and was told that even the smallest graze could cause him to bleed to death. With a new lease on life, Baker said, “Tennis has become almost an irrelevant conversation...I view myself as extremely lucky to be alive.”

 

WE CAN BE HEROES: Thai twins Sonchat and Sanchai Ratiwatana saved the wife and child of fellow pro Lucas Arnold from a hotel fire in Bordeaux.  While searching for an escape route, the doubles specialists heard a woman screaming.  "She was thinking of jumping from her third floor room window," said Sanchai, who helped lead them through thick smoke to safety.

 

KEEP ON TRYING, RYAN: Fifteen-year-old Ryan Harrison defeated 37-year-old Alex Reichel 6-1, 6-4 for a spot in the main draw in Houston. The son of a Texan teaching pro, Harrison has already turned pro and has reached a career-high No. 7 in the ITF rankings.

 

 

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