CANNIBALS NEED A HUG: In light of Martina Hingis’ cocaine use at Wimbledon, ESPN The Magazine mused, “Hmmm, we always thought they played that [tournament] on grass”...Speaking of grass, Jay Leno noted that Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “Cannabis is not a drug.” Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like “Cannibals need a hug.”

TURSUNOV ALREADY!: Dmitry Tursunov first claimed he was into dancing, knitting and collecting walnut shells. Then, when IT asked him what the U.S. and Russia had most in common, the Russian Davis Cup player who lives near Sacramento quipped, “Both [countries] owned Alaska at one point...Both cultures eat and cook food...You dress, we dress. We don’t have bears running in the streets. You don’t have Indians camping by the fire in the streets, either.”

THE DAWNING OF A NEW AGE?: Novak Djokovic’s inspired, somewhat spontaneous U.S. Open imitations of Sharapova — with her prissy femininity and exaggerated ball bounce — and Rafa Nadal — with his frantic obsessiveness and semi-X-rated wedgie tugging — were a hilarious triumph. His routine marked the ascendance of a new Serbian-led era of joy and relaxed creativity that, for now, has superseded the grim, humorless, focus-at-any-cost sensibility that was first ushered in by Ivan Lendl and fervently practiced by so many from Sampras and Hewitt to Nalbandian and Davydenko.

NEWS FLASH! ASTAIRE’S LONG LOST BRO UNCOVERED!: After Mike and Bob Bryan’s glistening Davis Cup triumph, Scott Ostler said, “The Bryans channeled their nervous energy beautifully, dancing like Fred and Ed Astaire.”

NOW THERE’S A GOOD OPENING LINE: Davis Cup Captain Pat McEnroe claimed, “My job is to open the balls and let them practice.”

YET ANOTHER CRUEL INDICTMENT OF JOURNALISTS [AND REDHEADS]: After globetrotting Hingis was asked about her then- thriving romance with Radek Stepanek, she proclaimed, “Who else am I going to date, a journalist?” Months later after her engagement with the Czech player fizzled, Hingis confided that she had sworn off athletes...When Jim Courier asked Sharapova what she was looking for in a man, she quipped, “Not a redhead.”

ANOTHER SPLENDID TRIUMPH FOR JOURNALISTS: Over a three-year span, IT’s Richard Osborn visited San Quentin State Prison and emerged with a story of how tennis is a force for triumph and redemption within the notorious facility’s formidable walls.

FOR ONE SHINING MOMENT: When a >corrupt ref shook the NBA, steroid-tainted Barry Bonds gained baseball’s most hallowed record, the NFL’s Micheal Vick turned out to be a dog killer, the Tour de France winner proved to be a druggie and the Formula One circuit was shaken by a cheating scandal, it seemed that tennis was like some too-good-to-be-true, squeaky-clean Boy Scout, a white knight sport up on a horse. Then drug and gambling scandals and claims of poisoning precipitously brought the game free-falling back to earth.

TENNIS IS NOT DEAD AFTER ALL I: Acidic sports commentator Jim Rome said, “Tennis might just be my favorite sport right now. You may have thought that it was worthless. You may have thought that it was a dead sport. You may not have even known it existed. But it’s back — with a vengeance. Tennis is cool again. What’s not cool about match fixing, players doing blow and players getting poisoned? That’s a good sport.”

TENNIS IS NOT DEAD AFTER ALL II: Yahoo.com’s No. 2 and No. 5 most-searched sports news topics were Maria Sharapova (right behind Nascar) and Serena Williams.

SOMEBODY’S ALL WRONG: Asked to reflect on tennis’ gambling scandal, ATP CEO Etienne de Villiers said, “What we see now is not a problem. There’s not a corruption problem in tennis.” But French Federation prez Christian Bimes maintained, “We consider this a serious problem. It is a dreadful disease that is a threat for tennis worldwide. We have to act straight away and be as severe with this as we are with doping.”

MARY, MAC AND THE MAFIA: Rumors of Davydenko’s ties to the Russian mafia prompted Mary Carillo to recall broadcasting the ‘95 Davis Cup final from Moscow. “We were paying off [everybody]. It was a joke how many hands were out just for them to turn on the electricity...We’d already greased them. That’s the deal over there. The Russian mafia has been around hockey forever, and figure skating. Obviously, they were a big part of the Salt Lake City scandal with the pairs [skating]. There’s a very scary undercurrent of gambling in all sports.”...John McEnroe told the Daily Telegraph, “The thing that worries me is that mafia types, like the Russian mafia, could be involved. That’s potentially pretty dark and scary.”

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE: While $1.5 million was bet on the all-but-totally insignificant quarterfinal match between ‘unknowns’ Mariya Koryttseva and Tatiana Poutchek in Calcutta in September, despite free admission, only 11 spectators showed up at the match.

NEXT TIME WHY NOT JUST TRY WATERBOARDING?: Spanish coach Javier Piles recalled that, in ‘99, in order to motivate his 17-year-old wannabe David Ferrer, he employed draconian methods. “When he didn’t want to work I would lock him up in a dark room of two by two meters and put a lock on it so he couldn’t get out,” says Piles. “I would tell him that if he didn’t want to work he would remain there punished. I would give him a piece of bread and a bottle of water through the bars of a small window. After a few minutes we would hear David asking other trainers from the club for help, but we wouldn’t pay any attention.”

JUST ANOTHER DISGRUNTLED MILKMAID: Writer Margie McDonald saluted the retiring Kim Clijsters for her “dignity and courtesy,” but another critic said she “backed out [of the game] sniping and carping, like some disgruntled peasant milkmaid ruing her lot and making poisonous accusations.”

‘YOU MAKE MORE MONEY THAN GOD’: Reflecting on how most all players discourage their kids from playing tennis, Peter Bodo wondered whether a pro player ever told his kid, “This job is a piece of cake. Everybody kisses your butt, you make more money than God... and you never even have to make your own bed. Sure, losing blows. But you get over it. Duh! Of course I want my kid to be a tennis player!” As for players who suddenly drop out of tennis when their prince in shining armor sashays up, Bodo suggested fans check out Clijsters’ website: “I’mgettingmarriedandhatetennisandI’mdyingtohavekidsandIlovepuppies.com.”

SIGNS OF THE YEAR: Aussie fans pleading with Clijsters not to retire in order to embrace the joys of domesticity held up a sign that read, “Our dishes are dirty, too, Kim”...A sign in the stands at the U.S./Russia Davis Cup final read: “Davydenko: I Bet You the U.S. Will Win.”

ON GOLDEN BOND: After her stunning Wimbledon semifinal upset over Justine Henin, 1,000-1 longshot Marian Bartoli reported that the match turned around when she spotted Pierce Brosnan in the Royal Box and started to play inspired ball.

NOTES WHEN IN DOUBT, GO FOR THE ST. TROPEZ DEFENSE: After a put-upon Martina Hingis harrumphed that it was far too much of a hassle to defend herself against the findings of tests that revealed cocaine use, Scott Ostler put her straight. “Here’s how it works, Martina, in two steps: One, with the money you would otherwise pay your racket-stringer, you hire a top-notch team of attorneys and say, ‘Sic ‘em!’ Two, you kick back on the beach at St. Tropez.” TENNIS ROCKS THE KNOWN UNIVERSE: Tennis in the U.S. grew on every level in ‘07. U.S. Open attendance numbers shot past the previous all-time high of 659,538 set in ‘05 to 715,587. The U.S. Open Series TV viewership topped 46 million, having more than doubled in the four years since its launch. The four best consecutive years of industry growth since the ‘70s has resulted in more than 25 million Americans playing tennis. And, after 16 straight quarters of increased sales, the TIA forecasts that ball and racket shipments are poised to reach a 15-year high. And, yeah, we won the Davis Cup for the first time in 12 years. THE GREAT TENNIS GLAMIFICATION DEBATE: A Sony Ericsson exec said his company’s efforts to glam up tennis — which have been dubbed the “Tennis Glamification Project”— are “all about being hip and cool. Somewhere along the way, tennis became more about backhands and forehands and lost some of its glamor.” But writer Lynn Berenbaum countered: “Jumping up and down and saying you’re gonna ‘glam it up’ and be ‘cool and hip’ is the behavior of an insecure junior high schooler”...Oh, and, um, since when has tennis not been about backhands and forehands?...Tennis has very proudly become a sport of inclusion: Whether you learned on public courts in Compton or hitting a ball against an Eastern Europe wall, you are embraced...TGP sets up a further division between fans and our athletes...Tennis used to be about sport, now it’s more about games.” EAT YOUR HEART OUT, RUPERT MURDOCH: In what is unquestionably the most important media move of this, or for that matter, any other century, Inside Tennis is heading eastward. Translation: after 27 years of being a West Coast-only tennis publication, IT will launch monthly editions in both the New York and Atlanta markets in ‘08. WORST PERSON IN THE (TENNIS) WORLD?: Nikolay (“Nah, I’d never think of gamblin’”) Davydenko said Wimbledon was “the most boring tournament in the world”; that Federer, who had just beaten him, was “always lucky”; that players didn’t trust ATP CEO Ettienne de VillIers because “he changes the rules every week”; that “girls can go [shopping] for 24 hours, then the next day, next day, next day,” and that his being at the epicenter of the game’s gambling scandal would be okay because it would “make me more well-known.” FASHION FORUM • Bethanie Mattek donned an odd Cher-in-Pennsylvania-Dutch-country outfit last year and unbelievably topped it this year with assorted skimpy and/or more than exotic ensembles, prompting ESPN’S Greg Garber to conclude that her outfits “are sort of like car crashes — even though you know it’s wrong, you can’t help but look.” • Tatiana Golovin donned racy red underwear at Wimbledon and Sharapova displayed a red seamless Nike dress with 600 Swarovski crystals at the U.S. Open. FAMILY MATTERS • After his loss in singles in Miami, Tim Henman also fell in his doubles match, prompting his 4-year-old to ask, “Daddy, why did you lose again?” • John McEnroe confided, “[My kids] suffer from a disease called ‘affluence-enza.’ They have it too easy. They don’t want it enough”...After one of his matches in Portugal, Mac’s daughters claimed,’God, dad, that umpire was so wrong every time,’” Mac chuckled, “I taught them well.” • Former skier Andy Mill, a multi-millionaire himself, reportedly received $7 million in his divorce settlement with Chris Evert who is now engaged to golfer Greg Norman...Thailand’s Paradorn Srichaphan married the ‘05 Miss Universe Natalie Glebova...Venus is dating PGA pro Hank Kuehne... Roddick is dating SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker...James Blake is seeing Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks...Mardy Fish is engaged to Stacy Gardner, an attorney and “briefcase model.” • Of longtime girlfriend/manager Mirka Vavrinec, Federer confided, “As long as I wake up in the morning and she is next to me, that’s all that matters.” • Justine Henin skipped the Aussie in order to get over her dicey divorce, but shortly thereafter she and her long-estranged family orchestrated a poignant reconciliation. • After announcing they were going to break up, Mark Knowles and Daniel Nestor won the French Open prompting Jon Wertheim to assert, “This is a bit like a torrid week’s vacation with your wife after announcing your divorce.” • When reflecting on his parent’s divorce, Andy Murray confided, “If I stayed with my mother for two nights, then I felt I should stay with my father for two nights. At Christmas, I didn’t know how long to spend with each. I would get stuck in the middle of their arguments. I would get really upset...I would have loved to have a family that worked better together, although I love my mother and father to bits.” • Both Kim Clijsters and her mother are pregnant. SAY IT AIN’T SO • The L.A. Tennis Club rejected Pete Sampras’ application for membership. • Roger Federer said that reaching a Grand Slam final has “become sort of a routine.” • During a Houston fundraiser, Agassi inadvertently whacked his wife Steffi Graf with his racket. • Mardy Fish broke his toe while kicking a football barefoot. • Japan’s Akiko Morigami listed Pearl Harbor as her favorite movie. • A fan in Miami allegedly called out to Serena Williams to hit her shots into the net “like any Negro would” and told her she was lazy and didn’t run for balls. • Serena ($18,109,234 in career earnings, plus a gazillion more in corporate endorsements) dubbed herself “Rebel X.” • On the final question on Jeopardy, CNN broadcaster Nancy Grace said the U.S Open’s National Tennis Center in Flushing Meadows was named after the legendary golfer and track star Babe Didrikson Zacharias. • Marat Safin, who’s earned $7 million in prize money, complained about the $25 cost of a plate of spaghetti at Wimbledon. • There were a record 132 press conferences in one day at the French Open. • The grass that was shipped from France to Mallorca for the Federer-Nadal exhibition was infested with worms. • The WTA Tour has a dress code for coaches who come out on court between sets. • NBC fired Bud Collins. • Scott Ostler contended, “Doubles is to tennis what curling is to the Olympics — a quirky event that most fans pay attention to about 10 minutes every few years.” THE VARITIES OF RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE • 3,000 people attended a sermon given by Christian evangelist Michael Chang. 700 were turned away. • After suffering a bad shoulder injury, Maria Sharapova asserted, “God didn’t make the body to hit tennis ball after tennis ball after tennis ball.” • When asked whether he was going to re-enact his famous dive into Melbourne’s Yaro River, Jim Courier quipped, “[No], I’m concerned Federer might be walking on it.” • Jon Wertheim wondered why Sania Mirza drew a fatwa for indecent tennis outfits, not her partner Bethanie (“how many zany outfits can you come up with”) Mattek. • Andrew Clark wrote, “It is difficult to describe the serenity one attains from striking a tennis ball with authority. Gravity, geometry, and all the forces of nature collaborate, and the fuzzy yellow orb spins as it should. Intent becomes action, and action becomes reality. That is the high. For some, tennis is a hobby; for others, it’s a compulsion. For the most stricken, like me, it is a religion that, like Buddhism, allows devotees to transcend time and space and glean insight into the true nature of existence.” • Pam Shriver told  USA Today that Andrea Jaeger, the former No. 2 turned Dominican nun, “has evolved as much as any former phenom. Her name will never be etched on Grand Slam hardware, but she can live with that.” Jaeger added, “It’s like I have kids’ names in my heart. That’s life’s trophy.” QUOTEBOOK “You can’t name an American player with finesse.” — Bud Collins “Come on, Roger, give him a chance.” — A fan to Federer as he was dismantling Roddick “I mean, he had his chances today — many of them. You could sing a song about it.” — Federer on Djokovic “This is a scream for help.” — Federer on Etienne de Villiers after a rough meeting with ATP chief. “Everyone likes winning but, in the end, Britons like losing more than they like tennis.” — Tim Dowling “I’m so tired of the sound of zips.” — An exhausted security guard on her last day checking bags at the Championships “Some people say it in sections. It’s smooth.” — Uzbekistan’s Akgul Amanmuradova on her name. JUST WONDERING • Since Hingis was busted for cocaine use, will she have to return the $51,500 she won at Wimbledon? • What’s more responsible for fast-blast tennis — big bodies, power rackets or Luxilon strings? • When will Federer peak? • Will the WTA do anything to alter its ‘09 zero-tolerance rule that would hit players like the Williams sisters if they skip mandatory events like Indian Wells (where they were booed and heckled in ‘01), with suspensions that would prevent them from playing Miami, an event they love? • Will Fed equal Sampras’ record of 14 majors by this year’s French, Wimby or U.S. Open?...Is Marion Bartoli’s hippity-hop kangaroo leap ritual the most distinctive service motion since McEnroe’s sway ‘n blast serving routine?...Was Bartoli’s victory over Henin the most stunning Wimby upset since Jelena Dokic beat defending champ Martina Hingis in the first round in ‘99? • If Rafa Nadal — during the fifth set of last year’s classic Wimbledon final — had converted a very makeable forehand to the open court against Federer on a moment-of-truth break-point opportunity, would he have won the coveted championship? • The World Forestry Center was a sponsor of the Davis Cup Final, which begs the question, how many trees have been felled to build tennis courts (or for that matter, to print a know-it-all tennis publication)? • Is there any limit to the money-chasing adventures of the pro tours as they sell their tournament sanctions and/or year-end events to distant, fabulously wealthy domains with virtually no fan base? • There has rarely been more stability (at least on the men’s side) on court. So is that why there has been so much turmoil off the court: think gambling, drugs and poison scares. • Will the U.S. Open start on Sunday this year? VOLLEY OF THE NADALS • Rafa Nadal flunked P.E., turned down a slot on People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful” list, has never advanced beyond the quarters at a major outside of Europe, but his 21 straight wins at the French Open is the record for the fastest start of anyone at a Grand Slam event. • Of the 606 entrants in the BBC’s contest on “The Best Ways to Get into Wimbledon,” our favorite was to pretend to be “the underwear supplier for Nadal with a new batch of nonstick pants.” • According to Rafa,”Sex is important, but if you’re having a perfect day, you don’t have time for sex.” • Nadal said, “I like the sensation of suffering. I suffer and fight and it makes me feel good.” • Peter Bodo claimed that Nadal, with all his swagger was delivering a message that went something like this: “I am swashbuckling, behind-picking, sock-tugging, bottle-arranging, line-wiping, thunder-swiping, sloe-eyed and quick-handed Rafael Nadal, champion of the grand isle of Majorca and all points beyond, where I make the courts run red with the blood of my opponents so is good that the court are made of clay surface, which drink the blood good, no?” GO FIGURE • Queen Elizabeth, who since ‘77 hasn’t visited Wimbledon, made a 4,049-mile pilgrimage to the Kentucky Derby. • Roger Federer looks graceful even when he’s hitting a volley winner just to protect his private parts. [BTW: France’s Marc Gicquel received 10 minutes of treatment when a 129-mph Benjamin Becker serve hit him in the testicles.] • The WTA media guide lists Serena Williams’ weight as 135. • Maria Sharapova broke her old mark of 102.7 decibels with a shriek of 103.7. • Pete Sampras was offered a wildcard into Wimbledon. • Boris Becker noted that Wimbledon had “to start to build Centre Court. Otherwise, they won’t finish it.” • Martina Navratilova was named AARP’s spokesperson. • An ad for Bjorn Borg’s old rackets said they came “with original head case.” • Serbia, population 10 million, has as many  top 10 players as the U.S. and as many top-fivers as Russia (combined population: 442 million). • Venus Williams blasted a record 129-mph serve and her average first-serve speed in the Wimby final was 113 mph. Rafael Nadal’s average first-serve speed was 111 mph. ANIMAL FARM • Reflecting on Lindsay Davenport’s return to tennis just five weeks after giving birth, Peter Bodo wrote, “It sounds like all she needed to do was take a little break to drop a calf.” • The only way Martina Navratilova could save the 25 cows being raised on a Florida farm was to buy the farm. She did. • Serena Williams traced her insecurity to kindergarten games, confiding, “When we played duck, duck, duck, goose, I was never goose. Ever since, [I’ve been] half empty. I need to talk to a shrink about this.” • Serena’s sullen U.S. Open ‘tude prompted Bill Dwyre to observe, “She met with the media afterward like a rattlesnake meets a ground squirrel. Her answers were more like hisses.” • After the Davis Cup win, Bob Bryan admitted, “I had a circus of monkeys in my stomach just playing tambourine in there.” • Juliette, the cow Swiss fans gave Roger Federer after he won his first Wimbledon, was allegedly slaughtered because she was not producing enough milk. • Simon Barnes asserted, “There is a strange kind of awkwardness about Sharapova, she’s a rare mixture of grace and clumsiness, like a young horse that forgets how to count up to four in legs.” • In the midst of a short-lived comeback, Anastasia Myskina told reporters, “You can see I’m moving like a big cow now.” • Upon returning to play after her shoulder injury, Maria Sharapova said she felt “like a cow on ice.” • Following the revelation that the late heiress Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog, Venus Williams said, “I know my dog [a white Maltese] is extra cute, but he doesn’t need cash.” PUTTING IT ALL IN PERSPECTIVE • After absorbing withering criticism of his mishandling of the round-robin debacle, ATP CEO Etienne de Villiers said, “I made a mistake. But we need to get things in perspective. We didn’t make a decision to invade Iraq. I’ve heard words like ‘doom’ and ‘apocalyptic,’ but 2 1/2 million [are] starving in Africa. [This] is a disaster over a furry ball going over a net.” • Reflecting on Wimbledon’s move to grant equal prize money for men and women, Billie Jean King contended, “It was definitely hard for authorities to change because of the culture and psyche behind it. But remember, it’s not about the money, it’s about the message it sends to women and girls around the world. Every time we can change a benchmark like this, it helps people ask, ‘Are we insisting on equality for our sons and daughters?’ So that makes it a very important moment in history.” • Jennifer Capriati confided, “When I stopped playing, that’s when all this came crumbling down. If I don’t have [tennis], who am I? What am I? I was just alive because of this? I’ve had to ask, ‘Well, who is Jennifer? What if this is gone now?’ I can’t live off off this the rest of my life.’” • Venus Williams noted, “I love my life. It’s beautiful. I’ve been so, so blessed. God has been so good to me. I couldn’t ask for anything more.” • Toni Nadal noted, “There are people in Africa who have big problems. We don’t have problems, or if we do, they are only little ones. I say to Rafael, when he misses a shot and has a long face...the ball has gone out, it is only one thing...It is unbelievable how some people treat what they are given. He [gets] his shoes for nothing, yet for other people, they cost 100 Euros. There are players who have their rackets strung, they don’t use the racket and they go back the next day to have them strung again. That is bad.” • If someone had a magic pill that would enable me to walk again and play [regular] tennis, I think I would say no.” — Wheelchair tennis star Esther Vergeer. • “I’m a tennis player — nothing more, nothing less. That’s more than enough for me. It’s always been.” — Pete Sampras, at the Hall of Fame.

TV GUIDE: John McEnroe played a murder suspect on CSI:NY...Billie Jean King was a judge on Law and Order...Serena portrayed a hair stylist on the WE Channel show, Hair Trauma... Sharapova pitched a script to the CW Network for a behind-the-scenes tennis drama...Critics trashed Mark Philippoussis’ The Age of Love. The Detroit Free Press warned viewers to “say good-bye to your brain cells” if they watched. Another critic contended it was an “embarrassing...cheese ball of a show.” Naturally, the offering drew hefty ratings.

EXHIBITIONS GONE WILD: First there was a (“Why didn’t we think of that?”) hybrid exo between Rafa and Roger in Nadal’s hometown on Mallorca on a court that was half grass and half clay. Rafa won in a crazed bullfight atmosphere. (BTW: Next time, to make things really zany, why not have the clay surface on the deuce side of the court and the grass on the ad side?) Months later, Fed went 2-1 against Sampras in a series of exos in Seoul, Kuala Lumpur and Macau. Next up, Pete ‘n Roger, the greatest-of-all-time duo — will meet in Madison Square Garden on March 10.

A CURIOUS COMMENTARY: When asked who was going to win the Sampras vs. Federer exos, Agassi responded, “Whoever Federer wants to win.”

ONE WORD: For big matches, Serena often takes extensive notes on-court. But after winning the Aussie Open, she confided, “Today I just had one word...’Yetunde.’[Her murdered half-sister.] Every changeover I looked at it and thought about how happy she would’ve been...about what an amazing sister she was...I just said, ‘Serena, this has to be more than enough to motivate me.’”

TWO WORDS: Billie Jean King called the biggest victory of James Blake’s career — his Davis Cup win over Mikhail Youzhny — “life changing.”

THREE WORDS: Reflecting on Tim Henman, Sue Mott, claimed Britain had long been trying to “make a diamond out of a peanut,” and added that “the three most depressing words in the English language are “Come on, Tim.”

FOUR WORDS: After reaching the fourth round of the Aussie Open, Novak Djokovic boldly crowed, “I have only three words for Federer: He is going down.” But Roger got the last Serb and demolished Djokovic.

FIVE WORDS: Deep thinker Janko Tipsarevic noted that his “Beauty Will Save the World” tattoo was from Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot, “where the main character believes in the idea that the inner beauty will save the world and, because of that, dies at the end.”

BUT WILL HE ACTUALLY SPILL THE BEANS ON WHAT WAS REALLY UP BETWEEN HIM AND BARBRA STREISAND?: Publisher Alfred A. Knopf paid Agassi an approximate advance of $5 million for his memoirs.

MORE LITERARY NOTES: NPR commentator Maureen Corrigan called the late writer Norman Mailer, (who was a renowned chauvinist with adolescent “look at me” tendencies) “the Bobby Riggs of the book world”...Jelena Jankovic said, “If I weren’t playing tennis, I’d be reading a thousand books and becoming a genius”... Celebrated California author Anne Lamott confided that back when she was a highly competitive junior she was sleeping over at a rival’s house and overnight tried to destroy the strings on her friend’s racket.

‘DA NAKED TRUTH: Serena wore nothing more in Jane magazine than a pair of $600 Moschino high heels. Williams defended herself, saying that like other “locker room girls,” she didn’t have any shame and thought the photo shoot “was simply divine”... Aussie Pat Rafter had vowed he’d never pose nude. But after he stripped in order to plug a brand of socks, “the nicest man in sports” conceded that family responsibilities won out. Plus, he reasoned he was “not actually nude-nude”... After losing to doubles stars Bob and Mike Bryan at a Minnesota exo, Roddick and Mardy Fish paid up on a bet by running naked outside their bus in 10-degree weather.

LET’S HOPE THAT AIN’T NOTHING LIKE THE SUB-PRIME MARKET: WTA CEO and Harvard grad Larry Scott said the women’s game was “sub-optimizing” its resources.”...BTW: Scott reportedly earned $1.02 million in compensation and benefits in ‘06, which probably makes him the highest-paid exec in women’s sports.

SWEETHEART, LET’S PULL LIL’ JESSICA AND JIMMY OUT OF THOSE PRICEY PIANO LESSONS AND GIVE ‘EM A CAN OF BALLS AND A COUPLE OF RACKETS”: Tennis Channel founder Steve Bellamy said, “If you put your kids in tennis, they will be smarter, happier, healthier, will make more money, have a more stable marriage, have more children, will live longer and add more to society. What other activity can attest to that?”

‘HAIL TO THE CONQUERING COUCH POTATO’: A University of Kansas study revealed that “Sports fans suffer fewer bouts of depression and alienation than do people who are uninterested in sports.”

MAKES SENSE TO US: Boris Becker noted that Wimbledon had “to start to build Centre Court, otherwise they won’t finish it”...Federer said that one of the reasons he does well in majors is because he doesn’t have to play “a lot of stupid five-setters”

GEE, WE THOUGHT CHEST BUMPS WERE THE BRYANS THING: One of Roddick’s bazooka serves hit Czech President Vaclav Klaus in the chest.

ALL IS WELL IN PLEASANTVILLE: After losing to Federer at the Aussie Open, Roddick quipped, “It was frustrating. It was miserable. It sucked. It was terrible. Besides that, it was fine.”

AND THE SIGMUND FREUD MEDALLION FOR THOUGHTFUL INQUIRiES GOES TO: During an on-court interview in Melbourne, Roddick took the microphone from his interviewer — Jim Courier — and asked him, “You’re in your mid-30s and aren’t married. Do you have commitment issues?”

TENNIS TIP OF THE YEAR: When a gushing dad asked Roddick to give his young son a piece of advice following the U.S. team’s beer-laden Davis Cup celebration, Roddick told the kid, “Don’t ever smell like this.”

WE’RE GLAD SOMEONE DOES: Venus confided, “I have over-achievement issues.” BTW: with all the astounding achievements of women named “ova,” a lot of American patriots have “‘ova’-achievement’ issues.

FAIR WARNING: Serena Williams confided that “The guy who tells me what to do is obviously going to have a real problem, not because I’m strong, but because I’m really stubborn. I need a strong man, because I’m like a bull. I mean, I’ve got to work on me...because I think that’s my problem.”

‘YOU CAN DISAGREE WITH ME, BUT YOU’D BE WRONG’ COMMENTARY OF THE MONTH: Serena contended that when she’s playing well, she’s the best in the world and added, “It’s not even a belief. It’s more of a fact.”

MORE BOOTYLICIOUS THAN THE AVERAGE PLAYER: Responding to many a critic who contended she was overweight and out of shape, Serena reasoned, “Just because I have large bosoms, and a big ass...Just because I have those two assets, it looks like I’m not fit...I’m just that way. I’m bootylicious.”

NAH, THAT JUST AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN: Brad Gilbert as Federer’s coach.

GOD WE LOVE THIS BLESSED COUNTRY, BUT...

• No American man or woman under the age of 25 is ranked in the top 60 in singles.

• For the first time in the Open Era, all the American men entered in a Grand Slam tournament (in this case the French Open) lost in the first round.

• It’s been 16 Grand Slams since an American guy has won.

• American vet Lisa Raymond noted, “Junior players in Russia or Serbia are willing to sacrifice everything in order to taste success, to get out and find a better life for themselves and their families. They don’t know any differently. [But] American juniors lose a match or have a bad practice and they can jump into their BMWs and head home to finish playing Halo 3 on their brand-new Xbox 360.”

• Billie Jean King claimed, “It’s very hard to be an American and understand what it feels like to be a Russian who plays tennis wearing layers of clothes in the snow. Kids in America, let’s face it, we have the most unbelievable life, and that’s why it’s still the greatest country for opportunity. But once you get to fourth-, fifth-, sixth-generation Americans, we’re all a little softer.”

STRONG SERVE, STRONG WORDS: Martina Navratilova, who says she she speaks out because she loves America, said she may try to get dual Czech citizenship, because she was ashamed “of what is happening in America,” is worried about America’s image and feels our current policies are “not representing what America’s all about.”

HUMBLE PIE: Deep into the four Slams of ‘07, Sharapova was blown out by Serena, Ana Ivanovic, Venus and Agnieszka Radwanska, no less, by a cumulative game score of 49-22.

RASBERRY FIELDS FOREVER?: Sharapova said that if it weren’t for tennis, she would be “studying for hours [as a college student] or be home helping my mother pick raspberries.”

ACTUALLY MANY WOULD SAY IT’S EVEN BETTER THAN PHONE SEX: Robin Williams said, “It’s weird when you watch women’s tennis with all the grunting and shouting. It’s a bit like phone sex. So you have to be very careful not to get too excited.”

HEY, YA GOTTA GO WITH WHAT GOT YOU THERE: Anna (she never did win a tournament) Kournikova — who made major ca-ching off her considerable looks—confided, “I never felt somebody was just treating me as a piece of meat...[a] sex symbol. It wasn’t something that I felt was degrading. I tried to look at the positives and say, ‘Thank you.’”

A TRULY ASTOUNDING ACHIEVEMENT: Despite having Kournikova on their roster, the Sacramento Caps toughed it out and won the World TeamTennis title.

BIG BROTHER (AND HAWK-EYE) ARE WATCHING: Alix Ramsey envisioned a Brave New World where Hawk-Eye ruled: “Gentlemen, imagine yourselves in a life governed entirely by computers. It is 11 p.m. and you are not at home. You call your good wife to explain that you are still at the office. The end-of-month reports have to be in first thing in the morning, Peabody from accounts — lazy so-and-so — was late coming up with the figures and someone has to stay behind to clear up the mess. You know how it is.” ‘Challenge!’ says the wife from the other end of the telephone line. Lowered from the heavens comes the giant video screen revealing you in a bar of ill repute, drink in hand and with a lady of voluptuous proportions and unfeasibly tight attire draped over one arm.” Ahem, get out of that one, lads.

GOOD SERB: Mary Carillo said that Serbians Jelena Jankovic, Ana Ivanovic, Novak Djokovic and Janko Tipsarevic, were “not only great players, they all seem so bright and intelligent. Their tennis is interesting because they are interesting. They’re dramatic, well-spoken, and they have a good concept of the sport.”

BAD SERBS: Groups of Serbian and Greek fans who chanted “Kill Croatians” clashed with Croats at the Aussie Open and several were left bleeding. Writer Carlos Prieto dismissed them as hooligans, saying “They are just stupid boys who had too much beer and wanted to fight.”

REALLY BAD SERB: Serbian Janko Tipsarevic claimed his country’s former leader, war criminal Slobodan Milosevic, “not only destroyed our country but completely destroyed our sport.

PRETTY SERB: Eurosport said Ana Ivanovic was the Catherine Zeta-Jones of tennis.

HONEST SERB: Elaborating on the much celebrated makeshift pool-turned-indoor-court that many resorted to using in war-torn Serbia in the ‘90s, the head of the Serbian Federation confided “we must be honest — in Belgrade, it’s still a privilege to play in the swimming pool.”

FRIGHTENED SERB: Recalling her childhood in Serbia, Jelena Jankovic said, “I would watch on CNN. They bombed buildings I knew. The electricity was lost. From 8 p.m. every night a siren would sound and I always felt scared.”

POIGNANT SERB: Novak Djokovic’s mom, Dijana, claimed, “Tennis saved us. If we didn’t have tennis, we would have spent the days scared, always looking to the sky, wondering when the bombs would come.”

I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE EASTERN EUROPEAN GIRLS: The London Telegraph asked, “Why can’t our players be more like the Eastern Europeans?...Everything they have achieved comes with shovel loads of hard work, painful separations and a pitiless eye for ambition. The life of a tennis player for a girl out of Serbia is not one long float on a pedalo.”

THANK GOD THEY’RE NOT ALL EASTERN EUROPEAN GIRLS: Barry Flatman contended, “Few British parents could be so cold and calculating as their contemporaries in Moscow, Prague, Bratislava or Belgrade who are prepared to break up the family unit and pack their tearful eight- or nine-year-olds off to some far-flung destination in the hope of potential wealth. But soft-heartedness is undeniably a major factor in the current British plight.”

IN SEARCH OF [MARDY] FISH? Sue Mott noted, “Yesterday at Wimbledon looked like a night on the deck of a North Sea fishing trawler.”

AND YOU THINK WE GOT PROBS?: At Wimbledon, England’s Anne Keothavong lost in the first round of the singles, doubles and mixed doubles...The head of Britain’s Lawn Tennis Association claimed England was suffering from “a culture of failure”...Briton’s two iconic vets, Tim Henman and Greg Rusedski, have retired and Andy Murray is being coached by committee.

‘A FARRAGO OF OBFUSCATION’: The St. Petersburg Times was impressed with English meteorology, claiming “The British are a lot better at forecasting the presence of rain than they are at forecasting the presence of weapons of mass destruction.” But Steve Bierley contended that the weather bureau’s reports were “a farrago of obfuscation. Try this one: ‘As the showers are moving slower there may be longer dry periods.’”

COME ON, I SAID LIGHT, NOT HEAVY STARCH: After noting that the “language of tennis in Britain is too starchy,” Sony Ericsson exec Dee Dutta asked, “How do we get British girls to aim to be Sharapova and not limit their ambitions to becoming a Premiership footballer’s wife?” [BTW: Britain’s top woman, Katie O’Brien, is ranked No. 127].

IT JUST AIN’T ALL BIFF AND BASH: Steve Bierley contended that Fabrice Santoro, the timeless French maestro, continued to demonstrate “that modern tennis need not be all biff and bash.”

MONEY MATTERS: Justine Henin became the first woman to exceed the $5 million mark in one year...A one-hour lesson with Nick Bollettieri will run you $900...According to Forbes magazine, Agassi earned more than $200 million in endorsement income during his 21-year career...The retail price of a complete European-style sofa sectional with love seats, corner seat, an armless chair and an ottoman from Agassi Graf’s Kreiss collection goes for $19,344...Time claimed it takes multi-millionaire Maria Sharapova six minutes to make $1,000...Sony Ericsson spent $40 million on a TV commercial featuring Ana Ivanovic and Daniela Hantuchova...With Lindsay Davenport coming back to the tour, the race for No. 1 on the all-time career earnings list is getting even tighter. Only $131,625 separates her from moving into the No. 1 spot.

• $21,849,317 ............ Lindsay Davenport

• $21,626,089 ........... Martina Navratilova

• $20,063,873 .................... Martin Hingis

• $21,895,277 ......................... Steffi Graf

CUDDLY COMMENTARY OF THE YEAR: Asked to comment on how McEnroe has changed, Mary Carillo said, “I used to think of him as someone who would spray graffiti over masterpieces, but the way he’s parlayed his reputation, he’s become cuddly. He’s become a real grown-up.”

MOST PATHETIC COMMENTARY OF THE YEAR: Vince Spadea said, “I’ve been around for so long that I might be in the record books for being the weirdest, most pathetic great player ever.”

NOTHING ROUTINE ABOUT THIS ROUTINE: The three most distinctive player rituals in the games these days are Marion Bartoli’s hip-hop routine, Nadal’s wedgie plucking and Novak Djokovic bouncing the ball more than 20 times before serving.

SUMMER OF LOVE: Tennis harmony broke out all over. Not only did Indian Muslim Sania Mirza and Israeli Jew Shahar Peer win the Bank of the West dubs, Rohan Bopanna and Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi (who’re respectively from bitter foes India and Pakistan) teamed up to win three straight titles, and Israel’s current women’s doubles champs are Arab Nadine Fahoum and Russian Jew Julia Glushko.

WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO SUCH GOOD PEOPLE: In ‘76, tennis’ beloved Arthur Ashe opened a tennis center in Soweto, South Africa, but it soon fell into decay and ruin after vandals tore down fences and ransacked the clubhouse and garbage was dumped on the grounds. More recently, TV’s pop-philosopher queen Oprah Winfrey opened up a South African girls academy only to have it endure an abuse scandal. Plus, the cheerleading coach at Agassi’s (give the hopeless hope) inner-city academy was arrested this year as part of an undercover prostitution sting.

THE ZEN OF AUTOMOBILE REPAIR: Agassi confided, “I’m a tortured soul in most things I do. I’ve succeeded at something that at times I’ve hated, and that’s relevant to the person who goes down to the auto repair shop and puts in his time. We all have to do things we don’t like.”

PEACE AIN’T ALL IT’S MADE UP TO BE I: McEnroe admitted he missed his good ol’ tantrums: “I don’t want any more dispute resolutions,” he said. “Even I have been suckered into it.”

PEACE AIN’T ALL IT’S MADE OUT TO BE II: While reflecting on Swiss Federer’s genius, Robert Philip noted, “There is a scene in [the play] The Third Man in which it’s noted that “In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed, yet they produced a Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had 500 years of brotherly love, democracy and peace. What did that produce? The cuckoo clock...”

THE ‘NOBODY-BEATS-VITAS-GERULAITIS-16-TIMES-IN-A-ROW’ MEDALlION GOES To...: Roddick and Blake who are 1-22 against Federer. (Honorable mention: Jelena Jankovic, who is 0-9 against Henin.)

ANDRE’S UNCERTAINTY: Agassi said the area where he’s struggled the most since he retired is ”not being able to understand how the year is going to play out. I used to know where I was going to be 10 years in advance. Now I don't know where I'm going to be in two weeks."

ME AND HER AGAINST THE WORLD: Reflecting on his late mother/coach, Jimmy Connors told the New York Times, “My mom was 5-foot-1, but damn right she was tough. Nobody was used to the best guy out there being taught by a lady. It was okay for Joe Montana’s dad to throw a football with him, for Wayne Gretzky’s dad to take him to the rink, but it was not okay for Gloria Connors to teach me tennis. She didn’t care. It was me and her against the world.”

WHAT ME WORRY?: After losing in Montreal, Fed said: “It’s good sometimes to lose. You start new. Like last week, people talk, people think. One week later, you’ve won and everything is okay again. There was nothing to be worried about.”

THE SADDEST ‘WOULDA, COULDA, SHOUDA’ BEEN REALITY IN WOMAN’S TENNIS HISTORY: While reflecting on the tragic (“how come he got off scot-free?”) stabbing of Monica Seles in ‘93, Martina Navratilova said, “People talk about Graf or me as the greatest in history. But if it hadn’t been for that deranged maniac, who never spent a day a jail, we might have been talking about Monica as the greatest player.”

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