SO MUCH FOR A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP:
• NOTHING BEATS A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP: When asked how he was going to celebrate his Aussie Open win over Roddick, Baghdatis replied, "I'm going to go sleep with my girlfriend."
• ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL?: Lindsay Davenport fell out of bed at home and suffered whiplash and a concussion...Vince Spadea slept through the burglary of his Key Biscayne hotel room... Canadian Davis Cupper Peter Polansky fell three stories from his hotel while having a nightmare that a knife-wielding intruder was standing over him. Polansky kicked out a window and crawled through shards of glass, which cut his legs severely, requiring five hours of surgery and 400 stitches.
• WHO'S THAT YOU SAY WAS SCREAMING IN A STATE OF SHOCK: Roger Federer revealed that following a saki shot, he suffered an injury — in bed. "I must have had a nightmare," wrote Federer. "I jumped out of bed and stood up screaming in a state of shock. I didn't know where I was and ran back and hit the [sharp] corner of the bed...Luckily, Mirka was there. She woke up... grabbed me and told me to relax. Apparently, I screamed out loud the same [x-rated] thing as I said on court in Toronto...It was pretty scary."
• SWEET SAFIN: Blogger Marat Safin wrote, "Good night everybody. I wish you all sweet dreams and no nightmares. If you're not alone, I wish that the person next to you loves you very much, and hopefully for you, you feel the same for the other person, otherwise you will have a tough time falling asleep."

CAPITALIST TOOL: Pam Shriver noted, "Russia is on its way up as a tennis nation, and we're on the way down. It goes back to the '80s, when Russia turned up its capitalistic juices. No sport goes with capitalism like tennis."

'OH NO, NOT ANOTHER SPORTS WRITER PLAYING THE DOSTOYEVSKY CARD': Serge Schmemann noted, "There is certain temptation to seek a Dostoyevskian explanation for the rise of Russian tennis. Are these stars a post-Soviet reaction to the collective ethic of the Soviet era? Are they another version of the trillionaire oligarch, people who frantically grasp for all the riches and glory denied them for 70 years?"

MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU LOVE (OR CAN IT?): Sharapova spoke of money, saying, "It's never enough. I always look for more. Bring on the money... There's no limit to how much money you can make." (She earned $33.4 million last year.) Later, however, she noted, "You can't buy a Grand Slam title. There are people around the world who have millions, but no matter how much they want a U.S. Open title, all they can do is buy some good rackets, get the best trainers and work their butt off...[Winning the U.S. Open] beats any sort of money."

DIALING FOR DAVENPORT: Like Chris Evert before her, Lindsay has a real All-American thing going, but she is far from pure vanilla. • Lindsay was once asked, "Have you ever felt cursed by being normal?" • Okay, follow us here. Lindsay's niece is named Kennedy, so does that mean Davenport's kid will be named Nixon in honor of her former Orange Co. neighbor? • After being clobbered by 18-year-old Lindsay, Pam Shriver remarked, "I think Lindsay's parents are terrific. I've never met them." • Reflecting on her less-than-charismatic personality, Lindsay admitted, "If I were a journalist, I would overlook myself, too." • Davenport quipped, "The other night I saw myself on TV and ran out of the room. Some people love being a star. I'm not one of those people." • Lindsay's placid demeanor sometimes drew critics: Richard Williams claimed, "Players like Davenport say, 'I'm just happy to be here.' I should have took her out to the john-john. We're not saying we're glad to be here. We came here to whup ass and take this Open." ART SEITZ Was Lady Lindsay "cursed by being normal"? • Lady Lindsay told Jon Wertheim that her girl-next-door image isn't quite right: "I'm a total bitch out there. I get so pissed." And she once told IT, "The other day, I was walking down the street and some guy said, 'Oh, there's that tennis player.' I looked at him like — you're an idiot. I'm so mean." • After Lindsay, at age 30, beat Jelena Kostanic 6-0, 6-0 in 40 minutes at the U.S. Open, a reporter asked, "Are you a mean old lady?" • Someone claimed that Davenport (who's nickname in high school was "bagel" and is still famous for her lopsided thumpings) "beat the world's 13th-ranked player, Vera Zvonareva, at the Aussie Open in less time than it took Agassi to comb his hair." By the way, no one zipped their way through more one-sided, early round romps than Lindsay. • Davenport's beloved mom lost Lindsay's Olympic Gold Medal. (It finally re-appeared at the bottom of a shoe box.) • When Justin Gimelstob contended that WTA players were in competition with the babes who swarm about tennis lounges and that the players looked like "beached whales" who should keep their clothes on, Lindsay snapped back, saying she was curious about men's fascination with women and "how they judge constantly what they wear, who they hang out with, what they look like...Still, I don't think men are all that bad and judge women based on their bodies." • When asked what it's like to autograph one of those oversized balls, Lindsay said, "Oh, it's so much easier. I gravitate toward them. The [regular] ball is so small. It's hard to get your grip on it. Those big ones are round, no problem." After realizing her gaff, fun-loving Lindsay cracked up.

LIES 'N' COWARDS: When a French paper wrote, in an un-bylined report, that Nadal was a target of an investigation into doping, Rafa countered: "I'm totally convinced I never took anything and never will take anything...I prefer to lose than to cheat...[But] what hurt was that there are bad people who would write such lies, and not even have the courage to sign their article."

HOW QUICKLY THEY FORGET: After Maria went on and on about her infatuation with Audrey Hepburn, Mary Carillo said, "I don't remember Audrey Hepburn grunting through Roman Holiday."

SPICIEST RUMOR OF THE YEAR: Assorted on-the-town sightings stirred rumors that Sharapova and Roddick might be an item. They denied the whispers.

PLAYING A 7-2 OFF-SUIT AGAINST POCKET ACES: When asked where American tennis was in relation to the French Open, poker buff Andy Roddick quipped, "We're playing a 7-2 off suit against pocket aces right now." Roddick's commentary made him sound like a savvy poker stud. But the Bryan Bros. were cautionary, claiming Andy "thinks he's good. He's overrated. James Blake's the one. He's won 35 grand this year."  Blake himself said that Roddick — who is tight with pro poker whiz Phil Hellmuth — is about a 6 on a scale of 10. "He has some work to do."

OF SHIMMERING PEACH CHIFFON AND FLUORESCENT YELLOW KNICKERS: Reflecting on Sharapova at Roland Garros, Robert Phillip suggested, "Ever since Brigitte Bardot first paraded her abundant charms...French manhood has had a thing about blondes displaying a nicely turned ankle. Though the average Parisian macho man considers watching women's tennis a pastime for wimps, Sharapova's every appearance at Roland Garros attracts a boisterous assembly. And like BB, the Russian pinup sure knows how to make an entrance, sashaying on court in a shimmering peach chiffon creation with fetching fluorescent yellow knickers...[But, Sharapova says] 'Being a tennis babe doesn't do it for me. If that's what people are hoping for, then I'm afraid they're going to be disappointed.'"

SOUNDS LIKE POLYGAMY TO US: Mahesh Bhupathi has teamed with six different partners to win his six different mixed doubles Grand Slams.

A BOWLER, A FARMER AND A DUDE WITH A 151-MPH SERVE: When asked about his family gene pool, Andy Roddick quipped: "What gene pool? My father was a farmer and my mother was a bowler who bowled about 93."

CURIOUS DIALOGUE OF THE YEAR (RODDICK DIVISION):
Reporter: You credited your win [over Hewitt] to a different way of playing. How was it different?
Roddick: You guys are the analysts.You tell me.
Reporter: You're the player. We'd like to hear it from the horse's mouth.
Roddick: That's alright. Go buy a horse.
Reporter: I'm a reporter. I can't afford a horse.

A REALLY INTERESTING RODDICK THEORY: Dean Goldfine contended that "the thing that happened to Roddick...[that] hurt him and has been a bit of a curse, was winning the U.S. Open as young as he did when he wasn't a complete player." By the way, Marat Safin backers offer the same theory about their man, who won the Open at age 20.

A 'WHEELY' INTERESTING RODDICK THEORY: Roddick noted, "When I was coming up, it was Andre and Pete. Then it was [just] Andre. Now it's us, and we have to step it up. That cushion isn't there. My training wheels are gone."

SOMEWHERE UNDER THE DRESSER: After Roddick confided at Wimbledon, "There's just that intangible quality [missing] right now, that edge that's not there. That's what I'm searching [for]," IT asked him, "Where do you look to try to get your edge back?" He responded, "Probably under my dresser."

DIVORCE DATA: Reflecting on 75-year-old Nick Bollettieri, Jim Courier quipped, "If you are working on your eighth marriage, you better be fit."...When Kournikova was asked whether she was still married to singer Enrique Iglesias, she joked, "I've been married six times already. I've been pregnant four. I've been divorced seven. What else has happened? Oh yeah, we've been dating other people 500 times."...No sooner had word come out that, after 18 years of marriage, Chris Evert and Andy Mill planned to divorce, than reports emerged that Chrissie and golfer Greg Norman have reportedly grown close.

AND NOW, THE WESTERN WORLD KNOWS HOW JIMMY CONNORS FREED HIMSELF FROM HIS INNER TORMENT: Jimbo Connors told the London Times, "I felt completely free [on court]. Free from family obligations, free from my own torment. In a real sense, I was a different person. It was a place where I could not tolerate the idea of being beaten. I psyched myself up into a state where I felt something close to hatred toward my opponent, a state where I detested the idea of someone making his name at the expense of Jimmy Connors...I was not competitive for show. It came from deep within."

'THE GREATEST THREAT TO CULTURE EVER': Gay-rights advocate Navratilova criticized a constitutional amendment proposal to ban gay marriage in Colorado, suggesting that, "Apparently, gays are the greatest threat to culture ever. The Iraq war, that's not a big problem...Kids being obese and 50 million Americans uninsured, that's not a problem, but gay marriage is...We're the last minority it's okay to pick on... Immigration doesn't work, and blacks and Jews, that's all gone, so now it's gays. But that's going to change."

AND AN ELDER SHALL LEAD THEM:
• Brad Gilbert reflected on "The Andre Effect," explaining, "A lot more guys are feeling they can get better and play longer, just like Andre did...Boris Becker and Pat Rafter quit in their late 20s, and that made people think, okay, you hit 30 and you're finished. That's ridiculous."
• Navratilova, who closed out her career by winning the U.S. Open mixed doubles with Bob Bryan for her 59th Grand Slam title, noted, "You're only as old as you feel. I certainly don't feel 49. I just wanted to inspire."
• When Jonas Bjorkman, 34, reached the Wimbledon semis, he asserted, "I'm like a good bottle of wine. It's better the older it gets."
• Brenda Schultz-McCarthy, 35, set a new record for the fastest women's serve — 130 mph.
• When John McEnroe beat many a younger foe to finish second on the senior tour and, with Bjorkman, won the dubs in San Jose, Jim Courier said, "I don't think anyone has ever played tennis as well as John is playing it at 47 years old."
• Stan Bretner, 64, was a ball boy at the Nasdaq-100 Open.

HE WHO LIVES BY THE BAGEL DIES BY THE BAGEL: At the Nasdaq-100, Carlos Berlocq bageled Donald Young 6-0, 6-0. Then, in the next round, Berlocq was bageled by James Blake.

MOST SELF-ABSORBED CELEBRATION: After he unexpectedly reached the Wimbledon semis, Jonas Bjorkman hugged himself four times.

CELEBRATIONS DENIED: When Henin-Hardenne pulled out of the Aussie Open final, Amelie Mauresmo was robbed of a proper celebration of her first and long overdue Grand Slam...Navratilova was denied a proper Wimbledon farewell when her mixed doubles match was put on Court Two...Touched by the presence of Rod Laver, Federer wept at the Aussie Open awards ceremony. But ESPN2's daytime coverage cut away and failed to show one of tennis' most poignant moments in years.

'DON'T BE CRUEL' ANAYLYSES OF THE YEAR: • One blogger suggested that the USTA name its food court after Serena.
• Davenport said of Hingis, "You have to make Martina feel bad about her second serve."
• Peter Bodo asserted that the short version of Mark Philippoussis' career was that he "is a big dumb kid who never really figured out how good he's had it and how easy it is to lose it. The slightly longer version: Pou is the biggest underachiever in the men's game, constantly laid low by...his aversion to hard work and practice and his inability to get past this whole Hugh Hefner wannabe thing. If he put as much effort into his game as into chasing fashionistas, celebrities and pop stars, you might be calling him the guy who keeps Federer from winning Wimbledon."
• The late Wimbledon champion Ted Schroeder once told the AP, "With only rare exceptions, individually and as a group, the men's [tennis] professionals are the most penurious, avaricious, graceless, artless, boorish group in the history of professional sport."

LEAST SURPRISING ACCOLADES: It was no surprise that Sports Illustrated passed on a Swiss tennis player (i.e., Federer) as its Sportsman of the Year and instead went with the NBA's Dwyane Wade. And you don't have to be a pop-culture savant to have anticipated that People mag would tab the Bryan Bros. the sexiest twins around.

SLASHING SWEDE: You think of Swedes as mellow dudes. But Hall of Famer Mats Wilander was more than outspoken last year. He offered an unvarnished assessment of Roddick, saying, "He's gone from being a really great talent to not a great player anymore. Now he's becoming ordinary, totally ordinary...He's neutralized his own game and power. He's neutralized himself." And after the French Open, he told IT that Nadal outgutted Federer in the Roland Garros final. He was even more adamant on his website, saying Roger didn't have balls in the match. Federer bristled, telling S.L. Price, "Look, there are many former players, many experts, who think they know everything...You can't always listen...From almost a legend—to hear stuff like this is obviously very disappointing."

THE WISEST TEEN IN TENNISDOM: Rising junior Holden Seguso said his goal was to become No. 2 and wait for Federer to retire.

THE SECOND WISEST TEEN IN TENNISDOM: Aussie phenom Bernard Tomic, 13, said he wanted to have "the serve of Goran Ivanisevic, the heart of Hewitt, the mind of Sampras and the ground strokes of Federer. I want to be No. 1."

THE LONELIEST TEEN IN TENNISDOM: Donald Young noted, "I'm not accepted in the juniors, because the others are upset that I have deals and an agent. And the pros, they're upset because you're 15, and it feels like you're taking their living. So there's really nowhere [for me] right now

MAKES SENSE: Blogger Paul Smith suggested that gung ho fans should be allowed to buy discounted tickets that can be used in any empty box seat until the seat holder arrives, thus allowing the real fans to get an upclose sniff of the action, even if it is only for half the match...John McEnroe, who was never exactly a buff kinda guy, claimed players would get themselves into better shape if guys weren't required to wear shirts...After the Madrid Masters used supermodels as ball girls, the WTA Championships in Madrid used male models as ball boys.

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