Written by Shakespeare, Translated From Dostoyevsky

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THE NEW BIG KID IN TOWN: Kevin O’Connor, the longtime president of Saddlebrook Academy, had this to say to the SBJ about Arnaud Lagardère, the 48-year-old billionaire owner of Lagardère Group.  “He is not something out of a Pink Panther movie. He is very real, very down to earth, a family man. He brings a level of excitement and energy to the tennis representation business we have not seen in 20 years.”  The Lagardère group manages Andy Roddick, Justine Henin, Fernando Gonzalez and Richard Gasquet, among others. According to the SBJ, Lagardère funded his anti-doping defense, and Gasquet successfully had a two-year ban lifted by arguing that a woman he kissed in a Miami nightclub caused the minor trace of cocaine in his system. “We protect our athletes,” Lagardère said.  Lagardère is planning on becoming the top agency in the business and even spoke to the giant IMG about buying it out. Ken Meyerson, who ran tennis for BEST before going to Lagardère, allegedly has a fat account to fund guarantees to potential clients.  “We have to focus on top brands, top players and top opportunities, even if it costs a fortune,” Lagardère told the SBJ. “We can afford losing money at the beginning.”

SANIA DOWNS PEER: India’s Sania Mirza scored her first decent win in a few months by taking out Shahar Peer 3-6, 6-3, 6-4 in Osaka, but she’s a long way off from her 2007 form. Maria Kirilenko suffered a knee injury there in her contest against Viktoriya Kutuzova and was forced to retire, and Britain’s Katie O’Brien beat American Fed Cupper Alexa Glatch 6-3, 6-4. If Serena and Venus Williams decide to play the Fed Cup final against Italy, Glatch will likely be left off the team. Another question: will USO starlette Meanie Oudin be named to the squad? Since her stirring N.Y. run, she’s fallen twice in qualifying, to Jill Craybas and to Glatch.

AUSSIES QUALIFY FOR DOHA: The dubs team of Rennae Stubbs and Samantha Stosur became the fourth and final team to qualify the season-ending Sony Ericsson Championships in Doha. But it’s the sister duo of Venus Williams/Serena Williams who will be heavily favored. The other two teams are Cara Black/Liezel Huber and Nuria Llagostera Vives/Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez.

BEST SIGNS STEPHENS: BEST has signed the promising 16-year-old Sloane Stephens, beating out IMG, CAA, Octagon and Lagardere Unlimited. But is she really better than Christina McHale, Lauren Embree, Beatrice Capra or Madison Keys? Time will tell, but the ability is there for Nick Saviano’s student.

WICKMAYER, MEDINA GARRIGUES QUALIFY WTA’S ‘OTHER’ CHAMPIONSHIPS: Belgian teen Yanina Wickmayer and Spanish vet Anabel Medina Garrigues are the first two players to qualify for the inaugural Commonwealth Bank Tournament of Champions, a season-ending Championships for the Tour’s top International (B-level) tournament winners. The tournament will debut in Bali, November 4-8. This year, 24 different players have captured an International singles title. Four players who still have a chance to qualify for the main event in Doha – Jelena Jankovic, Vera Zvonareva, Flavia Pennetta and Marion Bartoli — will likely qualify for Bali, but Pennetta is sure to take a pass and play the Fed Cup final against the US instead, even though the WTA mandates participation for Bali qualifiers. Can’t see JJ and her massive ego playing either.

ANOTHER SPLIT: In the wake of Chris Evert and Greg Norman‘s high-profile separation, the Press Trust of India reports that Mahesh Bhupathi and his wife Shvetha have split after six years of marriage.  “Shvetha and I have decided to go our separate ways, but continue to remain cordial,” said Bhupathi in a written statement.  “This a difficult time for me, and I would appreciate it if my privacy is respected and the matter is put to rest.”

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW: Tom Tebbutt described soon-to-be-retired Marat Safin‘s goatee as a “period at the bottom of his exclamation mark of a face.”

OH, CANADA: Ottawa-born Jesse Levine says that, like most of his Canadian brethren, he’s an ice hockey fanatic. “You will find me glued to the TV if there’s hockey on, especially if my Senators are playing,” says the 21-year-old.  “I’m actually pretty good friends with the team captain, Jason Spezza.”

THE NUMBERS

78: Combined ages of Cancer Treatment Centers of America Tennis Championships finalists Andre Agassi (39) and Todd Martin (39), who prevailed 6-3, 7-5 to win the Outback Champions Series event.

1: Of 12 Australian Open wildcards presented to Belgian Justin Henin, who will officially begin her comeback in 2010.

3: Titles on the year for both Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Novak Djokovic, who on Sunday claimed the Japan Open and China Open, respectively.

QUOTEBOOK

“It was as if he was written by Shakespeare, translated from Dostoyevsky.” —Bruce Arthur on Marat Safin

“It’s ridiculous to think that you have a professional sport that doesn’t have a legitimate off-season.” — Andy Roddick

“I’m not serving-and-volleying on second serves anymore because guys are returning too well and it’s too tough to get away with.” — Taylor Dent

“It is ongoing…It would be safe to assume that they will make a decision before year-end.” — WTA CEO Stacey Allaster on the investigation (and possible suspension) surrounding Serena Williams‘ outburst at the U.S. Open

“The more the episode recedes in memory, the greater the natural tendency to sigh and move on and not blow up the crate of dynamite sitting beneath one of tennis’ marquee celebrities.” – ESPN’s Bonnie Ford on the Serena Williams USO meltdown