Britney Now and Forever!: After Serena Williams lost to Elena Dementieva in Moscow and the U.S. lost a couple of boxing matches to Russia, Williams was asked if the losses “would be painful for the Americans.” She replied, “It’s not painful because we still have Britney Spears.”

The Most Astounding, Jaw-Dropping, Head-Scratching and Troubling Juxtaposition in Tennis History?: While $1.5 million was bet on the otherwise forgettable quarterfinal match between virtual unknowns Mariya Koryttseva and Tatiana Poutchek at the Sunfeast Open in Calcutta in September, actual attendance at the match topped out at 11 spectators.

So There: Venus Williams wrote on her blog, “I was like one of those girls who sits with the guys and can’t get a boyfriend; I just want to say I actually do have a boyfriend now and we have great times, and I am one of those girls that has a chance to get one!”

Great, and He’s a Marketing Whiz, too: After the often-tense U.S. vs. Sweden Davis Cup semi, the multi-talented James Blake suggested that maybe “Pepto-Bismol can be our new sponsor.”

Skywriter’s Block: Maybe here’s the reason fans at the U.S. Open didn’t spot any “PLAY GOLF” signs in the sky. In an effort to block unauthorized marketing at the Open, the USTA booked the New York metropolitan area’s only skywriting service for two weeks.

All Hail ‘Mushy, Ineffable Factors’: Jon Wertheim noted that “Enrichment of the sport” and “other mushy, ineffable factors” should count when considering who gets in to the Hall of Fame. But he was not happy with the nomination of Jana Novotna, contending, “Off the top of my head, I can name more than 10 active or quasi-active players who… are probably more deserving. Venus, Serena, Martina Hingis, Lindsay Davenport, Monica Seles, Jennifer Capriati, Mary Pierce, Justine Henin, Maria Sharapova, Amelie Mauresmo, maybe Kim Clijsters, maybe even Svetlana Kuznetsova.”

Gee, We Thought It Was King David: After No. 105-ranked Dudi Sela led underdog Israel to a Davis Cup triumph against Chile with a five-set upset of Fernando Gonzalez, Israeli captain Eyal Ran said, “There is one king in Israel and his name is Dudi Sela.”

Choose Your Summit: Marat Safin scrapped a plan to scale the Himalayan peak of Cho Oyu to join his Russian Davis Cup teammates in Moscow. Safin had been part of an eight-person team that began a month-long ascent of the world’s sixth-highest mountain. The Russians may “summit” the Davis Cup in December, but they’ll have to do it without Safin, who says his climbing escapades took him out of his normal training regimen. BTW: In The Zone, a recent book of harrowing, mountaineering survival stories says the brutal demands of world-class climbing, much like those of international tennis, can tear apart families.

Close, But No Cigar: You’d think Justine Henin, who won the French and U.S. Opens, plus other titles could easily claim to have had the best year in tennis. But, look again, Roger Federer. who has “only” won six titles, has three slams trophies and can contend his year has been significantly better.

Marketing With the Stars (Gone Wild!): Andre Agassi has filed a lawsuit against Target after the retailer sold 52,589 pairs of flip-flops using his name without his permission. The lawsuit seeks triple damages (based on estimated sales of $661,184) because, contended Agassi, the infringement “was of an intentional, willful and wanton nature.”... John McEnroe has filed a lawsuit against Salander-O’Reilly, claiming that that the Madison Avenue art dealer didn’t make good on a promise to double his $162,500 investment in five months. McEnroe briefly apprenticed at Salander-O’Reilly in ‘93 after retiring from the tour, and he’s a godfather to one of gallery owner Lawrence Salander’s seven children. (Salander has paid $200,000 of the $325,000 McEnroe seeks in his suit, according to court records.)… A cosmetics company that used Boris Becker’s seven-year-old daughter in an advertising promotion has been fined for exploiting child labor. According to various reports, Anna Ermakowa appeared for Alessandro cosmetics at a trade fair in Dusseldorf, promoting nail varnish for girls. The company was fined 1,316 Euros. Becker, who is not with Anna’s mother, said he did not approve of using his daughter for fashion modeling or advertising.

And Now To Answer That Immortal Question, Was Tim Henman a Square?: Sue Mott thought so. Deep into his career she wrote, “Britishness was restored to this septic isle, Tim Henman is no hooligan. He could shave his head, tattoo ‘I Love [his wife] Lucy’ in fat, high letters round his torso and sit smoking during change-overs and would still be as wholesome as semolina pudding.”

No other tennis player has kept headline writers BUSIER than Tim Henman. Here’s our top dozen:

Sir Tim of Whim

Oh What a Hen-over

Hen the Going Gets Tough

Battle of Brit-Hen

Tim’s Such a Henigma

Hen Gets Plucked

Tim Bok Phew

It was the Best of Tims, It was the Worst of Tims

Henman Gets Llodra Off His Mind

Tim’s the Richest Failure in Sport

You’ve Blown It

Tim Who?

Don’t Count On It: Simon Barnes contended, “One day, the Campaign for Real Backhands will give Henman a special award.”

Surface Comments of the Month: Noting America’s choice of a hard court for the Davis Cup final against Russia, Roddick noted, “It’s tough to make grass grow indoors in December in the states,” and added, “The U.S. is going to try to export all of the clay out of the state of Oregon.”

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH: “Coach: Chinese Women’s Tennis Needs Completely Adjustment”

Aussie Blues: Green for more than a century, the Aussie Open is going blue with its new U.S. Open-like Plexicushion courts.

‘C’mon!’: Lleyton Hewitt’s sister, Jaslyn, has ditched tennis in favor of bodybuilding. “I like the athletic feminine look,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to have a six-pack and get as lean as I possibly could.” In her debut at a regional competition, she was named Miss Potential.

Imagine All The Backhands Living For Today: To determine whether vegetative patients could perform complex mental tasks on command, British neuroscientist Adrian Owen asked his patients to imagine playing tennis. According to Owen, their brains showed activity in a region that would be stimulated during an actual match.

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE EXPRESSION BREAKING PAR: In a recent Sports Business poll, 79 percent of the respondents said they would rather play tennis than golf.

Tight Money: With Davenport coming back to the tour, the race for No. 1 on the all-time career earnings list is getting even tighter. Only $131,625 separates her from moving into the No. 1 spot.

$21,895,277 Steffi Graf

$21,763,653 Lindsay Davenport

$21,626,089 Martina Navratilova

$20,063,873 Martina Hingis

Reflecting on an Asian Triumph: Reflections on Davenport’s successful comeback, Jon Wertheim wrote: “The prevailing question seemed to be: Is the title she won last week [in Bali] testament to her skills? Or does it indict the rest of the WTA? This is a variation of the same question we get when Navratilova played top doubles in her mid-40s or the Williams sisters returned from La La Land to win majors... Davenport arrived in shape, earning the wrath of every new mom whose thighs are the widths of redwoods... Our advice: Just enjoy the achievement and don’t use this as a chance to rip the women’s game. (If you’re intent on doing that, spark up a DVD of the Chakvetadze-Kuznetsova U.S. Open semifinal!)

In Honor of Asian Tradition: The ATP commissioned sculptures of the top eight players to mark the season-ending Masters Cup in Shanghai. The life-size statues, created by French sculptor Laury Dizengremel, are in the style of China’s 8,099 Terracotta Warriors, originally buried with the Emperor of Qin in 210-209 BC, and rediscovered in ‘74.

Not in Honor of Asian Demands: The ATP refused to bow to demands by the Asian Tennis Federation that 25 percent of every field of every event in Asia be comprised of Asians. “We have rules in place based on merit,” the ATP noted, “and we have no plans to change them.”

‘An After-Tea Thing’: Leander Paes, Mahesh Bhupati and Sania Mirza may be well known in India, but as Vijay Amritraj remembers, their home country wasn’t always an athletic hotspot. “In my day, we had no real athletes. Sport was considered an after-tea thing... People would ask me, ‘You play tennis, but what do you do for a living?’”

Eat, Drink and Be Merry (Not!): British authorities suspended two top juniors for “unprofessional behavior” and “lack of discipline.” David Rice and Naomi Broady were found to be publicizing a lifestyle of partying, drinking and eating junk food on the Web. English tennis boss Roger Draper said, “They’ve either got to behave like professional athletes or go and do something else.”

JUVENILE JELENA?: During the second set of her semifinal win over Lindsay Davenport at the China Open, Jelena Jankovic hit Davenport with a ball she tossed into the air. “There’s no room to act like you’re 12,” said Davenport. “This is the pros...When you’re about to serve, you shouldn’t have to worry about being hit by the ball out of play.” Jankovic said she apologized to Davenport.

Odd Vantage Gallagher: Would an all-midget baseball lineup be unstoppable? Would a morbidly obese goalie change the sport of hockey forever? How much of a head start would the average runner need to beat an Olympic sprinter? How would Joe Weekend Warrior fare against Andy Roddick if A-Rod was limited to using a frying pan instead of a racket? Author Todd Gallagher (who says he played No. 2 on his high school team) goes straight to the source to find these answers and more in his new book Andy Roddick Beat Me With a Frying Pan. (As it turns out, Gallagher actually defeated Roddick, who reportedly slammed the pan to the ground in frustration, breaking the handle.)

WHO SAYS FRENCHMAN ARE STRICTLY BASELINERS?: Serve and volley tennis may be in decline, but it has long had its advocates. In the 16th century, the French poet Guillaume de la Perriere contended, “Whoever prefers the bounce to the volley has never been considered a good player.”

‘Federerian’ Perspective of the Month: Reflecting on all the money he’s earned in his career, Federer noted, “I’ve made an incredible amount of money, but in the end it doesn’t come down to material investment. It’s the people around you, the places you visit. They mean more than having a fast car or spending a few hours on a private jet.”

‘Non-Federerian’ Perspective of the Month: ATP head Etienne de Villiers told John Genzale that he “came close to checking out. After prostate surgery two years ago, I had some pretty dramatic post-surgery complications. So life for me is a gift.”

Just Wondering: Was the first set of Bob and Mike Bryan’s 7-6(11), 6-2, 6-3 win over Sweden’s Simon Aspelin/Jonas Bjorkman the greatest doubles set in Davis Cup history? The brothers, who are 12-1 in Davis Cup doubles, saved three set points in the tiebreaker, stroked clutch volleys and, apart from a double fault, played near-perfect tennis. “I think that was our best Davis Cup match by far,” said Mike Bryan… What would happen if one year none of the players nominated for the International Hall of Fame were voted in?… Will Lindsay Davenport and Sybille Bammer join forces in dubs, becoming the WTA’s only all-mom tandem?… Is Roger Federer capable of pulling a Steffi Graf and winning the coveted Golden Slam in ‘08, winning all four Slams and Olympic Gold?… Would Bobby Riggs come under scrutiny today for having reportedly bet successfully on himself to win his three 1939 Wimbledon titles, winning $100,000? BTW: Conspiracy theorists whisper that Riggs bet against himself in The Battle of the Sexes vs. Billie Jean King.

QUOTEBOOK:

“Top tennis prospects, like stocks, are bound to level off, or drop precipitously, before reaching a peak.” — Tom Perrotta

“I’m here to tell you that you can have a great backhand and still care about issues that affect us and our freedoms.” — Martina Navratilova

“People like safety.” — Billie Jean King on the Navratilova-Evert rivalry and why fans sided with the safe, unthreatening Chris Evert

“I’m moving like a big cow.” — The long-sidelined Anastasia Myskina on her comeback

“It is up to the players to name and shame.” — Arvind Parmar on the escalating betting brouhaha

“What will it take me to get into the Hall of Fame?” — Murphy Jensen to Bud Collins (who answered that it would take a papal dispensation to make it happen)

“I really do love the guys I play with. They’re like brothers.” — Roddick on his Davis Cup teammates

 

 

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