HEY, WE’RE LAUNCHING ‘INSIDE SKIING’ NEXT WEEK: Former Tennis Channel CEO Steve Bellamy, who’s now launching the ski channel, says the skiing world is just as divided as tennis, but is less political and has a lot more money.

 

COWABUNGA!: Reflecting on Lindsay Davenport’s return to tennis just five weeks after giving birth, Peter Bodo wrote, “To me, it sounds like all she needed to do was take a little break to drop a calf and, having dealt with that, she sees the world in a whole new light. Bodo added that, “Because Lindsay and Kimmy [Clijsters] are proven champs, each of them is capable of beating most of the women on tour not just after she’s  had a C-section, but probably while she’s having one.”

 

JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT TENNIS WAS LOOKING OH-SO-MARVELOUS: For a while, other sports were making tennis seem mighty swell. After all, baseball’s Barry Bonds has long been accused of beefing up on illegal steroids and was characterized by Sports Illustrated as “a bastard prince without true claim to the crown.”  Football’s most explosive QB allegedly tortured animals by running a vicious dog-fighting kennel. Basketball is reeling from a ref who allegedly gambled on games.  And let’s not even dwell on the drug-infested Tour de France, who’s leader, Michael Rasmussen, was kicked out for breaking Danish team rules, or Formula One, where the McLaren fleet stole the secret game plans of it’s rival, the Ferrari group. No wonder that, for a while we thought tennis’ biggest headaches were about screeching, on-court coaching, player guarantees, juiced up Argentines, matches that have no effect on the rankings and great tournaments being shipped out to ‘Wegotcashistan’ and Serena playing just every other millennium. Then the British betting scandal relating to a Russian player [Davydenko] at a Polish tournament came rumbling down the pike to destroy our quaint notion of tennis being sports’ nice little hassle-free oasis.

 

QUICK, CALL THE FACT-CHECK DEPT. I: Dmitry Tursunov claimed he was into dancing, knitting and collecting walnut shells.

 

QUICK, CALL THE FACT CHECK DEPT. II: Long-ago-star Budge Patty was not pleased that former Wimbledon finalist Tom Brown made a mistake about him in his book As Tom Goes By. But Patty forgave Brown “because all of those French girls can become confusing. My female friends on that occasion [that you wrote about] in your book were not Yvonne and Suzette, but Colette and Francoise. Yvonne and Suzette were the following night.”

 

 

THE MOST FATEFUL MOMENT IN TENNIS HISTORY?: In ‘90, Federer’s mom Lynette went to her local club, The Tennis Old Boys Club in Basel, and said, “I have Roger here, could you train him?” The rest is history.

THE MOST FATEFUL MOMENT IN RECENT CANADIAN TENNIS HISTORY: Years ago, the grandma of Indy finalist Frank Dancevic was watching a hockey game when one of the players smiled to reveal a canyon of missing teeth. Granny then turned to her little grandson and barked, “Frankie, you stay away from hockey.”

 

THE MOST FATEFUL DAY IN ROSEVILLE TENNIS HISTORY: On Sunday, July 29, Roseville’s beloved tennis hero Dmitry (“He certainly doesn’t seem like much of a Russian to me”) Tursunov won Indy. Then, hours later, the Sacramento suburb’s only major league franchise, the Sacramento Capitals, won the World TeamTennis title down at one of the town’s spiffier malls.

‘YOU MAKE MORE MONEY THAN GOD’: Reflecting on how virtually all players discourage their kids from playing tennis, Peter Bodo asked, “When did a tennis player just come out and say: Yeah, I’d love it if my kid followed in my footsteps! This job is a piece of cake. Everybody kisses your butt, you make more money than God...and you never even have to make your own bed. Sure, losing blows. But you get over it. Duh! Of course I want my kid to be a tennis player!” As for players who suddenly drop out of tennis when their prince in shining armor sashays by, Bodo first suggested fans start by checking out Kim Clijsters website:  “I’mgettingmarriedandhatetennisandI’mdyingtohavekidsandIlovepuppies.com.” Then he continued, “I have some advice for all you girls: There’s no need to break off with tennis like the game was a former boyfriend — controlling, demanding, keeping you from being you — just because the guy whom you want to father your kids pops onto the radar. It’s okay to still like tennis when you’re about to get married and start a family; it isn’t like, infidelity, or anything, comprende?”

 

COVER STORY: What does it take these days to get a tennis player to be featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated. After Federer had a record-setting Wimbledon, the mag headliner was soccer’s David Beckham. SI itself once admitted, “Were Federer from Milwaukee or Scranton or Fresno, he’d occupy a penthouse in the American sports pantheon.” The last tennis player to be on their cover was Sharapova in ‘04. The last male European player to be featured was Stefan Edberg 15-years ago in ‘92.

 

OR YOU CAN HOP ON YOUR HELICOPTER: While musing on the wonders of the plush U.S. Open Series’ PR bus, Pam Shriver noted that it’s “the best way to handle L.A. traffic. It’s got a bedroom, a toilet, a kitchen.”

 

A REASONABLE QUESTION: At a stylish Youth Tennis Advantage fundraiser Barry MacKay asked Shahar Peer, a sergeant in the Israeli Army, “Do you every once in a while have to call into your army captain and say, ‘Hey Captain, I’m out here playing a some tennis, but I’ll be back in a little while and pick up a gun?”

 

JUST ANOTHER PLEA IN THE WILDERNESS?: Last year, Chris Evert famously pleaded with Serena to get more involved with tennis. This year, Jerry Magee pleaded with Alexandra Stevenson to get less involved. “Alexandra, please accept this kindly,” wrote the popular San Diego Union Tribune reporter. “I have continued to believe that one day you would have it all again, all those magical assets you had when at 18 you hit through to the semifinals at Wimbledon, captivating Great Britain with your power and your pretty little curtsies.  [But] Alexandra, it isn’t happening and it doesn’t seem as if it will...It has been too long. You have a life to live...Give it up, Alexandra.  Sing and dance.  You always have wanted to become a star, to have your name in lights.  There are worlds apart from tennis.  You have borne enough pain...No one aware of what you have experienced could consider you a quitter.” Stevenson, who’s won only three matches this year and is now ranked No. 443 responded, “I’m not a quitter. If I quit, I could never forgive myself.”

 

THE CZECH GIVETH AND THE CZECH TAKETH AWAY: Radek Stepanek left the door wide open for America’s Davis Cup team in February when, despite being the Czech Republic’s best player, he stepped away (due to internal political squabbling) from playing against the U.S. Then America went on to win its first away tie on clay in a decade.  But when Stepanek returned to the U.S., it was payback time. En route to the L.A. title, his on-court wins were over Americans Mardy Fish, Zack Fleishman and James Blake.

 

YES, MARTINA THERE IS COSMIC BALANCE IN THIS UNIVERSE: Just as Martina Hingis’ former beau, golfer Sergio Garcia was blowing his chances to win his first major, the British Open, her current boyfriend and fiancé, Radek Stepanek, was winning L.A.

 

RODDICK BY THE NUMBERS:

5. The max number of additional Grand Slams he might have won if Federer had stuck with soccer instead of taking up tennis.

4. The goals Andy long ago set for himself: winning the U.S. Open (check); becoming No. 1 (check); winning Wimbledon (close but no cigar); winning the Davis Cup (maybe this year).

3. Roddick’s three sporting heroes are Agassi, Lance Armstrong and Muhammad Ali. 

2. The number of hands he uses to spank his backhand.

1. The number of majors he’s bagged — the ‘03 U.S. Open.

 

‘COM-ON COMMENTARY: Is Lleyton Hewitt’s emphatic and now widely adapted “com’on” self-assertion the most empowering on-court call in tennis?

 

THIS JUST IN FROM OUR PHOENIX OFFICE: When an IT reporter finished his sprint to his Phoenix airport gate, he just had time enough to look up and spot Bud Collins (casual in a neon outfit) beginning  his own sprint to his cross-terminal gate. But that was just enough time for Bud to call out, “I’m fine. Don’t worry — I’m with ESPN.”

 

MEDIA MATTERS: Collins told the Sports Business Journal that the new rule banning the media from the U.S. Open locker room is “totally wrong. It’s another example of tennis getting away from access and from the public.” Billie Jean King added, “It’s ridiculous. Players and organizers need to ensure that the media needs are a priority and not something a player gets around to after having a massage and making a few phone calls.”

 

BUT DON’T TELL ME THELONIOUS MONK HAS A KILLER CROSS-COURT FOREHAND: When he puts on his headband over his bald head. James Blake looks like a Franciscan monk. Thai Paradorn Srichaphan is a Buddhist monk. After failing to defend his U.S. Open title in ‘91, Pete Sampras said he was glad “the monkey was off his back.”

 

SUMMER OF LOVE: Tennis harmony is breaking out all over. Not only did Indian Muslim Sania Mirza and Israeli Jew Shahar Peer win the Bank of the West dubs, Rohan Bopanna and Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi (who’re respectively from bitter foes India and Pakistan) teamed up to win three straight dubs titles.

 

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TO US: At a pre-tournament media day in San Diego, a foreign reporter asked Daniela Hantuchova what she was ranked.  When she responded No. 10, he then asked, “Is that for females?”

 

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE IN N OUT BURGER: After being told of her friend Andy Roddick’s culinary disaster in Indy, where he went to Taco Bell the night before his semi and ended up throwing up during his loss, Maria Sharapova paused, but decided that she would stay the course and go ahead with her plans to go to an In-N-Out Burger to chow down a Double-Double burger. She rationalized her decision, saying, “I’m being smart and doing it after a tournament, so if something does happen, at least I’ll have a day to recover.”

 

‘HEY, OPRAH SHOULD I PLAY FED CUP?”: Venus Williams again admitted she overplayed this summer and explained she just couldn’t turn down the requests of the folks backing the Fed Cup, World TeamTennis and the Acura Classic. She then added that next time she’ll just “have to turn on Oprah and learn to say no.”

 

THINGS ARE HEATING UP ON POO CORNER: The Melbourne Age contended that the premise of Mark Philippoussis’ reality show, “Poo’s search for true love” — was undermined by the fact that he’s never had much trouble finding girlfriends. Plus, according to Leo Schlink, “Hollywood is threatening to further derail Philippoussis’ career. They’re dangling offers of a new show in front of him.”

 

UZBEKISTAND AND BE COUNTED: Uzbek Akgul Amanmuradova asserted that Americans “are so rich, but they are not educated. They surprise me. They know Pakistan, but they don’t know Uzbekistan. I hope, one day, they will know where I’m from.”

 

NOT IF THEY WERE PLAYING ON SLOW-CLAY IN ‘TOPSPINISTAN:’ After noting that Roddick and Mardy Fish went to the same private Florida high school, Andrew Castle claimed, “If the Boca Raton Academy entered the Davis Cup, they’d be pretty difficult to beat.”

 

PSSST...JUST DON’T TELL PMAC: When Austrian Thomas Muster was once asked what the role of a Davis Cup captain was, he quipped, “Hold the towel, hold the water, and shut up.”

 

WATCH OUT NET-HEADS AND THE J-BLOCK: In L.A., Sam Querrey’s rabid, semi-naked support group, “the Sam-urais,” drew much attention with their painted chests and white headbands with “Sam” printed over a red Japanese sun.

 

ITALIANO TENNIS: For many a season, Italian tennis has been as soggy as a bowl of limp linguini. After all, no Italian has reached the semi of a Grand Slam since Corrado Barazzutti’s at the ‘78 French Open, and Italy has yet to win a Davis Cup. Still, there are some bright spots. Rome’s Foro Italiano, the home of the Italian Open, remains an enchanting venue, and Flippo Volandri became the most obscure player to have beaten Federer since his highness was enthroned as the King of Tennis.  More than anything, the Italians have recently excelled in Fed Cup. They won the title last year and recently upset the French in a tense, come-from-behind semi.In particular, Francesca Schiavone has been wondrous. No other woman has a better recent record in national play than the 27-year-old, who’s “only” ranked No. 26. Her latest Fed Cup heroics were first to beat Amelie Mauresmo and Tatiana Golovin, and then to anchor Italy’s dubs team en route to their win over France. The Italians now venture to Moscow to face mighty Russia in the September final.

 

HOW ‘BOUT A MEN’S GRAND SLAM WINNER AND/OR THE DAVIS CUP?: Tim Henman claimed, “You Americans are pretty tough to please.  When you look at the last 10 years with Agassi, Sampras, Chang, Courier, Martin, what more do you want?”

 

WELCOME TO THE BABE ZACHARIOUS NATIONAL TENNIS CENTER?: On the final Jeopardy question on Jeopardy, CNN broadcaster, Nancy Grace said the U.S. Open’s National Tennis Center in Flushing Meadows was named after the legendary golfer and track star Babe Didrikson Zacharias.

 

SO THEY’RE NOT REALLY ATTACHED AT THE HIP AFTER ALL: Bob and Mike Bryan admitted they sleep in separate beds.

 

SAY IT ISN’T SO: Russian Anastasia Rodionova became only the second woman to be disqualified from a WTA match when she hit a ball at fans in the stands in Cincy...Kevin Lynch claimed that at the Bank of the West Classic, the hobbled Marion Bartoli looked “like an elderly woman lugging a sack of potatoes up Lombard Street”... After Sharapova teased John McEnroe about his long shorts at a press conference, Mac turned his back on Maria and dropped his shorts just enough to reveal his black underwear.

 

THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH OF THE MONTH: After noting that in the Countrywide semis in L.A., the Bryan Bros. won fewer points than their foes, Leif Shiras quipped, “I guess it can happen in presidential elections, too. You get more votes, but you don’t win.”

 

IN THE END DO WE ALL COME UP SHORT?: In the L.A. quarters, Marat Safin was two games from reaching a delicious high-profile semi against James Blake, when, as if on cue, the amply-flawed Russian lost nine straight points, including a couple of double faults. The collapse, which somehow reflected his career, prompted reporters to ask whether if he’d somehow underachieved. After all, except for his two stunning wins at the ‘00 U.S. Open and the ‘05 Aussie Open, the sublimely talented former No. 1 player has had modest results. Safin, a sensitive soul, responded by saying, “Well if I look back at my career, I did a good job. [But] it’s always [been said] I should have won five Grand Slams, 10 Grand Slams, and Sampras, he should have been better. And Agassi, he should have been better. [Marcello] Rios should have been better.”  We were stunned that Safin seemed at first take to have been critical of Sampras, who won 14 majors, and Agassi who’s won eight. But then we thought better. It’s true Pete was criticized for not winning the French Open and Andre was dissed big-time in his early and mid-career for say-it-isn’t so lapses and for not really applying himself. With this in mind, we wondered if in the end if all athletes - from Michael Jordan on down - are all roundly criticized. So, when all is said and done, isn’t the simple truth that we all come up short?

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