REFLECTIONS ON BANDS OF MIDGET JUGGLERS: Jon Wertheim claimed, "Make no mistake, Federer could wear a thong to the final, beat Nadal in three golden sets in a match interrupted by a band of midget jugglers, and the '06 U.S. Open will still be recalled for Agassi's swan song."

OUR FAVOURITE MISSPELINGS IN TENIS: Wimbleton, Conners, MacEnroe, Barry McKay, Pancho Gonzales.

THE SNEAKIEST ATP QUIZ OF THE YEAR: What do former President Jimmy Carter, former VP Dan Quayle and the Disney Corp. have in common? Answer: All three had employees who became the ATP CEO. The group's original boss, Hamilton Jordan, was Carter's chief aide. Mark Miles cut his political teeth working for Quayle, and the current chief, Etienne de Villiers, worked for Disney. (See Feature in magazine)

AGE MATTERS: In the best tradition of Yogi, Mary Pierce informed us that, "The closer I get to retirement, the older I get."...Sampras said, "I'm 34, but in tennis years I feel about 50."

JUST WONDERING: If Andy Roddick is in fact missing his mojo, what better place to find it than at the feet of Jimmy Connors? (Then again, Jimbo is a complete rookie when it comes to coaching and many great Hall of Famers didn't turn out to be great coaches: think Ted Williams or John McEnroe)...Connors told IT, "I never retooled my strokes. Maybe I should have."...Who'll be more successful: Connors or Andy Murray's new mentor, Brad Gilbert?...Is Tommy Haas — the master of self-loathing — the Anastasia Myskina of the men's tour, as Pat McEnroe claims?...On a sizzling day in Washington, why did Brad Gilbert shun the shady seats to sit in the triple-digit sunshine while wearing his standard all-black...Does Sampras' dismal run in WTT this summer knock Bjorn Borg off his perch of having orchestrated the most disappointing comeback in tennis history?...Will Kimmy [Clijsters] really retire next year?...Have Federer and Nadal passed the barbershop test, i.e., are they commonly known figures in the barbershops of America?...As of press time, the Bryan Bros. had won Wimbledon, plus two summer tournaments — L.A. and Washington — and had mounted a heady 13-match winning streak. Does this mean the boys are edging to a position of dubs dominance reminiscent of the Woodies or McEnroe and Fleming?...There's been a spike in interest in tennis in Israel due to the success of Andy Ram and Shahar Peer. But will the fog of war mute that interest?

JUST WONDERING/ANDRE AGASSI DIVISION: Was Barbra Streisand, of all people, the most adept 20th-century tennis analyst when in '92 she claimed that Agassi (who many people at the time were still typecasting as a frosted flake) was actually a Zen master?...What was the reality of Agassi's relationship with Streisand?...Was Andre (who, as a kid, was put through the paces and then some) an abused child?...What's it really like around the Agassi table at family gatherings when Agassi's intense papa, Mike, and Steffi's not-exactly-mellow father, Peter, hang out?...What role did psychotherapy play in Agassi's remarkable evolution?...Did Andre's missing out on 19 Grand Slams over the years help or hurt his career?...Why has Agassi's Tiburon estate, with its San Francisco Bay view and market value of about $24.5 million, been on the market for so long?...Did Agassi sell more tickets to tennis events than anyone in history?...Why do we get the feeling that despite their best-in-tennis-history genes, Andre and Steffi's kids, Jaden and Jaz, will not turn out to be great players?

MUSINGS OF A CONTRARIAN: The Italian journalist and contrarian extraordinaire Gianna Clerici was inducted into the International Tennis Hall of Fame in July. Here's an assortment of some of his spicy comments:

"[In the early days] we didn't have telephones when we were reporting from Wimbledon...We did it by pigeons."

"My column [on Gabriela Sabatini], I must confess, was not about her backhand — it was just about her back. It was the best we had seen after Suzanne Lenglen."

"Usually, I don't remember what I write because I'm ashamed of it."

"[Tennis these days] is much closer to wrestling...It's too muscular for my taste."

"Patrick Rafter has to be defended by the World Wildlife Foundation because he's the last serve-and-volleyer."

HEY MOM, LOOK WHAT I FOUND UNDER THE DRESSER: Just before leaving after his dismal Wimbledon, Roddick told IT that to get his edge back, maybe he should look for something under his dresser. Perhaps he found Connors there. Jimmy became his coach shortly thereafter.

STALKING TRASH: When asked to reflect on how he managed to track down Connors and convince him to be his coach, Roddick quipped, "It's amazing what stalking will do."

SHALL WE (OR SHALL WE NOT) DANCE?: In '92, Agassi was eager to get to know Steffi Graf. So he was thrilled when both he and the German won Wimbledon, which meant they would certainly be destined to have some face time when they danced together for the traditional dance at the Champions Ball. But, for some reason, the dance was scrapped... The most uncomfortable duo we've ever spotted dancing together was John McEnroe and Martina Navratilova at the '83 Wimbledon ball...After it was announced that the USTA National Tennis Center would be named after her, Billie Jean King recalled that she and Arthur Ashe, the namesake of the U.S. Open's main stadium, danced together at the Champions Ball after they both won Wimby in '75. "We both had Afros," King recalled. "[But] his was real; mine was just a perm."

SPEAKING OF HAIR: Has any tennis quip proven more misguided than Ivan Lendl's claim that Agassi was "just a forehand and a haircut"?... When Andre was asked what advice he would give the teenaged Agassi, he said, "I'd first tell him to cut his hair, and I'd laugh because he had such a long road ahead of him."

NAMING POLITICS: Ah, yes, the joy of "naming" politics. To their eternal credit, the USTA kissed off some serious money [say $8-9 million] by not getting some big bucks corporation to sign a naming rights deal for the USTA National Tennis Center. (We were waiting for the place to be called the Poulan-Weedeater National Tennis Center.) Of course, there was plenty of backroom squabbling over whether Billie Jean King would be honored by having her name on the people-friendly Grandstand Court, the new $50-million indoor tennis center, or the entire tennis center itself. Those who backed King, whose whole point is gender equality, vehemently insisted on nothing less than the tennis center itself. Now the questions remain: Will the Grandstand Court itself ever be named? Beyond the usual plaques and accolades, how will such icons as McEnroe, Connors, Evert, Sampras and Agassi be honored? By the way, on the approach to the National Tennis Center, there's signage for the Jackie Robinson Parkway. We'd sure love to see a sign that encompasses Robinson's, Ashe's and King's names all together.

CURIOUS DIALOGUES: When an L.A. fan yelled out to a struggling Agassi, "Slow down, slow down," a voice from across the way called back, "No coaching!"...When a Countrywide Classic fan claimed bouncy blonde Dmitry Tursunov, with his curly locks, was just like Jim Courier, another fan turned around and said, "I knew Jim Courier. I watched Jim Courier. Jim Courier went for 3K jogs after five-set matches, and Tursunov is no Jim Courier"...A man heckled Canadian Daniel Nestor in Toronto saying, "Hey Nestor, your mother's here. She's going to take you home." Nestor approached the ump saying, "Are you just going to let them yell anything?"...Bud Collins to Billie Jean King: "This is a very serious undertaking. You are now a public park. Do you have to go around picking up trash and stuff like that?"...Billie Jean to Bud: "That's okay, I can do that."...After Jimmy Connors came on board to coach Roddick, Andy and a reporter had the following exchange about Roddick's brother and former coach John:

Reporter: How do you refer to John? Is he your coach?
Roddick: I don't know.
Reporter: Is he your assistant coach?
Roddick: I don't know.
Reporter: Tell me.
Roddick: I don't want to tell you. He's my brother.

SO THAT'S WHY WE STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH GLOBAL WARMING: In '04, journeyman pro Paul Goldstein was struggling big time and was considering quitting the tour in order to get a job "to figure out a high-performance energy alternative." But his tennis suddenly kicked into gear, so he decided to continue playing. So now we're all stuck with life without that miracle alternative fuel which could solve many a prob.

KOURNIKOVA COMMENTARIES: ESPN Classic ran a curious show called "The Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Anna Kournikova for Never Winning a WTA Singles Title." Some of their reasons included that Kournikova's mother Alla wasn't that hot a coach and that the competition was just too heavy (Duh!). Jim Courier noted, "If someone's offering you an $8 million a year contract to do something that will prevent you from practicing as much as you should, what would you do?" Luke Jensen added, "Who really cares [if she didn't win a tournament]? Marilyn Monroe was the biggest star in movie history, but if you look at her career, she didn't win any Oscars, but she sold the industry. Kournikova is the very same."

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH: Sampras Scratches His Itch

SAY IT AIN'T SO (PETE SAMPRAS DIVISION): When the (Newport Beach) Daily Pilot asked Dick Leach what his Newport Breakers team had to do to have a successful road trip, the coach did not sugarcoat his response. "Unfortunately, we've got no chance because [Pete] Sampras is so out of shape," Leach confided. "With Ramon [Delgado] out and Sampras in [the next five matches], it makes a big difference. Having Pete is great for the league and the fans love it, but it just kills us. I'm surprised [Sampras] is not in better shape. He got so sore from playing St. Louis and Sacramento that he can't practice. [Sampras] shouldn't have [played this season]," Leach said. "You can't put down your racket in '03, then pick it up three months before you play a match...He's a great guy and great to his teammates, but [with him in the lineup], we can't win."...Pete, who many say was the best ever, was 3-13 in WTT play.

SAY IT AIN'T SO: Martina Hingis, who owns a home at Florida's Saddlebrook Resort, says that Jennifer Capriati still isn't hitting.

WHAT IF?: What impact would it have had on the Grand Slam totals of assorted tennis icons if fate had taken a different turn: if Don Budge's run had not been stopped by WWII; if Jack Kramer hadn't turned pro early in his career; if Rod Laver's dominance had not been interrupted by his years as a pro; if McEnroe and Agassi hadn't skipped out on so many majors; if Sampras had played during the era when three of the four majors were on grass; if Borg and Graf didn't retire early; if Maureen Connolly and Tracy Austin didn't suffer debilitating health setbacks; and if Monica Seles hadn't been stabbed. (See Interview)

GO FIGURE: During one of her San Diego matches, Hingis plopped in second serves as slow as 56 mph, yet she won 20 of 21 second-serve points...The top three leaders in ATP aces — Ivan Ljubicic, Ivo Karlovic and Mario Ancic — are all Croats...Sampras won the first and last of his record 14 Grand Slams against Agassi at the U.S. Open...Lleyton Hewitt may skip Australia's upcoming Davis Cup tie in Argentina (where, due to nasty past confrontations, he is wildly unpopular) if he feels security is not up to par. Tennis Australia is considering sending over its own security force.

MULTI-TASKING MAY BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR ATP RANKING: After Andre lost 6-4, 6-3 in the first round in Washington to little-known Andrea Soppini, an Italian qualifier ranked No. 246, the Washington Post noted that "Agassi has put himself in the toughest position imaginable for a champion. He's trying to summon his competitive best while hugging everybody goodbye." "It's all a bit surreal," Agassi said. "I'm out there trying to do a job, and I feel like I want to have dinner with everybody."

LOST IN A WORLD WITHOUT LAWNS: After Agassi was asked whether he was now going to be taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn, Andre retorted, "We don't have a lot of lawns in Vegas. You get in trouble if you have a lawn."

AN OH-SO-PROPER BREEDING GROUND FOR REBELLION?: Last month, we noted that when Bethanie Matteck came out in an outfit at Wimbledon that was suggestive of Barbarella, it was in the tweak-the-establishment tradition of Gussie Moran, Trey Waltke and Anne Smith. Waltke then reminded us that all three have strong connections with the straight-laced Los Angeles Tennis Club. Of course, the LATC is not the only establishment with a more-than-wholesome reputation that has spawned curious troublemakers. Just think about Dick Gould's Stanford program, which produced John McEnroe, Jeff Tarrango, Roscoe Tanner, Skip Gurfein and Pete Rennert, to name a few.

THIS JUST IN: THE MEDIA AIN'T BAD: We in the media are often portrayed as villains. But Billie Jean King noted, "The media has been so good to me and allowed my thoughts and feelings to be heard... Every athlete has to remember that without the media, they are nothing, because the media tells everyone what we feel and think. I appreciate it. You're a lot of the reason my name's on this."

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY: The Bryan Bros. first informed us of their differences [southpaw Bob is 20 pounds lighter due to a no-carb diet, while Mike wears a necklace], and then said with a straight face, "We can't understand why anyone can't tell us apart."

IT DOES HELP THE OLD RATINGS WHEN YOUR SHOW GOES ON RIGHT BEFORE THE SUPER BOWL: The largest crowd ever to watch a doubles match in L.A. (7,021 fans) took in the wondrous Bryan Bros. at the Countrywide Classic. (No offense, but it does help when the next match features some dude named Agassi.)

DID YOU EVER HAVE TO DECIDE?: In late August, Serbia-Montenegro will be splitting into two, so Jelena Jankovic will have to decide whether to play for Serbia or Montenegro. Her Dad is from Montenegro, but her mom is Serbian, and Jelena grew up there.

ROGER FEDERER: THE SOFT AND VULNERABLE SIDE: After Federer took a nasty spill, he told ESPN, "We're not used to that. We don't have any body contact in our sport. We tennis players are kind of softies"...Much to the shock of fans and viewers alike, a frustrated Federer spontaneously called out "s----" after a mishit in Toronto. He then lifted his racket apologetically, smiled with an endearing (boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar) charm and thus was spared any penalty.

GAMEMANSSHIP 101: After Vasilisa Bardina called for a trainer when she was down 4-1 against Sharapova. Maria said, "She pulled all the tricks out of her bag except for the win." Then again, some have noted that Sharapova is not that shabby herself at orchestrating stoppages.

EXCEPT FOR TIGER AND A SEEMINGLY DRUG-INDUCED CYCLING CHAMP: USTA coach Eliot Teltscher told the L.A. Times that the U.S. doesn't "come close to winning the baseball, basketball or the hockey or the soccer. It's not tennis. We're not winning anything anymore. This country's dominance in sports has died in everything."

LOOK WHO PICKED UP THE LAB TAB: In a San Diego auction Kim Clijsters paid $11,000 for a black Labrador that she promptly gave to a fan.

TENNIS SURE COULD USE ANOTHER SNAZZY COUPLE: Tennis long has had a history of compelling couples — from Chris Evert and Jimmy Connors to Agassi and Streisand to Andre and Steffi. Now rumors abound that there may be a connection between Sharapova and Roddick, and Maria was at the Countrywide Classic for one of Andy's matches, but she dismissed any questions on the topic saying, "I don't discuss my private life." But she was rather talkative on her views on money, freely confiding, "It's never enough. I always look for more." Maria, whose endorsements and on-court earnings are well over $20 million, added, "[There's no] limit to how much money you can make." Still, she'd happily trade in her millions for another three Grand Slams. "Of course, [that's] because another three Slams would bring a lot more than $25 million," she noted. "They would be worth even more [than $100 million]."

BY THE WAY: People are already talking about the National Tennis Center being the "House that Billie Built." But it was former USTA prez Slew Hester who conceived and built the place... After Sampras' dad Sam told Billie Jean King that "champions are born," she thought, "We just have got to find the ones who are born to be champions."

A NOTABLE ADMISSION FROM THE FED FILE: Roger Federer told the Toronto Globe and Mail that after the French Open Final, he realized that he should have changed tactics against Nadal in the French Open. "I realized that later," he said, "but it's hard to change tactics against him because it might end up even [worse]...I wasn't happy with the way I played."

THE WHAT'S INSIDE FED'S HEAD ANALYSIS OF THE MONTH: Marat Safin reflected on Federer's mindset saying, "I think it's in his mind. It's a little different to play Nadal because he's a lefty. He's younger. He has less pressure than Roger ...[but] he has no reason to get down. He's won seven Grand Slams. So he has nothing to be pissed off about."

STICKING WITH HER DAY JOB: Tennis players from Bill Tilden to Monica Seles to Serena Williams seemed to have a certain fascination with the idea of becoming actors. But not Sharapova, who recently moved to L.A. Maria confided, "I can't imagine a career where I have to spend 70 percent of my time in a trailer eating Snickers."

'A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE DYING': Israeli pro Shahar Peer reflected on the Lebanese war, saying, "Its really hard and sad what's going on at home. A lot of people are dying. I've had some bad dreams about it."