WHEN YOU’RE HOT YOU’RE HOT DIALOGUE OF THE MONTH: When Sharapova arrived in the Roland Garros interview room one day and complained, “I’m sweating profusely. Is it me or is it hot in here,” a quick-witted sage responded, “It’s definitely you that’s hot.”

The Ultimate Cure-All: Former Tennis Channel chief Steve Bellamy said, “If you put your kids in tennis, they will be smarter, happier, healthier, will make more money, have a more stable marriage, have more children, will live longer and add more to society. What other activity can attest to that?”

REFLECTIONS ON YET ANOTHER SWASHBUCKLING, BEHIND-PICKING, SOCK-TUGGING, BOTTLE-ARRANGING, LINE-WIPING, THUNDER-SWIPING MAJORCAN KID: After noting that an exasperated Rafa Nadal told the press, “Don’t ask nothing more, because I don’t know nothing more in English,” Peter Bodo reflected on the Spaniard’s bemused, cut-to-the chase (English-as-a-second-language) bravado, suggesting that the kid’s message is actually something like this: “I am swashbuckling, behind-picking, sock-tugging, bottle-arranging, line-wiping, thunder-swiping sloe-eyed and quick-handed Rafael Nadal, champion of the grand isle of Majorca and all points beyond, where I make the courts run red with the blood of my opponents, so it’s good that the courts are made of clay surface, which drink the blood good, no?”

SEX IS IMPORTANT, BUT…: When Paul Kimonage asked whether on a perfect day, Rafa would have sex, Nadal replied, “Sex is important, but if you’re having a perfect day, you don’t have time for sex.”

A WIFE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE: Some contend that all those lovely ladies hovering over the ATP’s stars are merely trophy wives. But Jonas Bjorkman put an end to all that. When asked whether, after a tough match, he seeks out a masseur, he said, no way: “I have a wife.”

HEY, DOTTY, GET ON IN HERE, QUICK. WE GOT SOMEONE ELSE COMPLAINING ABOUT WAY TOO MUCH STARCH: Sony Ericsson exec Dee Dutta claimed, “The language of tennis in Britain is too starchy. How do we get British girls to aim to be Sharapova and not limit their ambitions to becoming a Premiership footballer’s wife?”

CALL IN THE CLOWNS: Jelena Jankovic — who characterized herself and her giddy cadre of pals as “clowns” — asked why so many players are grim and “go on court like they are going to a cemetery.”

THAT GIRL IS A COMIC?: Jankovic actually got Sharapova’s perpetually grim ‘n surly dad Yuri to break out into a delightfully big, beaming smile.

WE’LL TAKE OUR GOD OVER YOURS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK: The marketing slogan for the Tennis Channel, which showcased John McEnroe in its highly successful French Open coverage, was “In Mac We Trust.”

WHY FED FIRED ROCHE?: With extraordinary candor, Federer told S.L. Price why he fired his coach, Tony Roche. “All of a sudden,” Roger said, “we just didn’t talk any more. Imagine if we had spoken more. With all he knows and all I know, where we might be…We would spend time on court and barely say a word…We didn’t see each other from Australia to Monaco. [We] didn’t have a phone call…I thought, ‘This is not how it’s supposed to be, but it’s too late.’ Then when he came to Monaco, I wanted him to be really fired up …[but] it was disappointing. We just really spent time on court and not on the private side…I was like, ‘God, I can’t believe…I’ve allowed it to happen…When I thought about it during the [Volandri] match in Rome, I said, ‘This is my last chance to tell him before the French.’”

Price suggested, “Fed simply doesn’t like to be alone…[He] gives a hint of what it’s like to spend a life checking into strange hotels and smiling at strangers…and always being the center of attention…It’s good to have a friend then, even if you’re paying him.”

As for his future coach, Fed confided, “I’m wondering who it’s going to be…What do I need? I need to talk myself through it…I’m looking forward to it.” There were denials out of Fed’s camp about disputes over money with Roche. Some say Darren Cahill — Agassi’s “ex” — would be a good coaching match for Roger. Others point to Jose Higueras.

SAY IT ISN’T SO: A cheerleading coach at the prep school founded by Andre Agassi was arrested in a Vegas undercover prostitution sting.

SOMEWHERE ‘OVA’ THE RAINBOW: Robert Phillip noted, “There’s Sidkova, Shevdova, Smashnova and Safarova, Hantuchova, Kuznetsova, Makarova and Onraskova. There’s Vaidisova, Ivanova, Birnerova and Cibulkova, Voracova, Kutuzuzova, and I’m still not even half way over…In fact, over 50 members of the extended Family Ova descended upon Roland Garros this year, including the magnificently monikered Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova.”

TENNIS’ CLUSTER SYNDROME: If you track the tangle of Serbian history through two World Wars, the Cold War and the recent brutality of Milosevic, you discover quite the twisted tangle of turmoil. But no matter. The small land — which has not been accepted into the European Union and whose 10 millionscitizens need to go through the hassle of attaining visas to travel internationally—has now produced three inspired young stars; gifted athletes with cheerful humor, bright blue-sky personalities and wisdom beyond their years.

The emergence of Novak Djokivic, Ana Ivanovic and Jelena Jankovic mirrors the “cluster syndrome” in the game in which great champions often seem to emerge from the same place at the same time. Helen Wills and Helen Jacobs lived in the same Berkeley room (at slightly different times), while Don Budge came from the next neighborhood. Long before the Bollettieri Academy was a twinkle in Nick’s eye, the L.A. Tennis Club was a bustling star factory. Then there were all the Aussies and Swedes. Becker and Graf came from the same German valley within 12 miles of each other. Tracy Austin, Pete Sampras and Lindsay Davenport all emerged from the Kramer Club in L.A. There are all the Spanish dirtballers. Nadal and Carlos Moya are both from Mallorca. Then there’re the Belgian “sisters,” Justine and Kim, and those very real sisters, Venus and Serena.

Behind this cluster effect is a range of factors. Towering coaching personalities like Aussie Harry Hoppman, L.A.’s Perry Jones and Bollettieri. Other times it’s “just” a single parent like Richard Williams or a single star—Bjorn Borg lifting all his trophies or Anna Kournikova banking all her millions. Politics can be a factor—the fall of the Soviet Union and the Bosnian war. Plus, there are elements of national culture—sporting Aussies, American individualism, the Swedes’ quiet fire-in-their-belly, the gritty determination of the Spaniards or the competitive fire of the Russians and Eastern Europeans. Plus facilities can be key: the L.A. Tennis Club, Nick’s Academy, Moscow’s Spartak Club and Barcelona’s academies which emerged after the ’92 Olympics. But nothing beats the Swiss pool that each winter morphed into a makeshift (so narrow you couldn’t even go for cross-court shots) court that helped kick-start the promising career of Ivanovic, who moved there with her family to avoid bombs.

FOREIGN MONEY MATTERS: Sports Illustrated’s list of top non-American money earners was topped by the Spanish auto racer Fernando Alfonso. Not surprisingly, the group was dominated by nine soccer players and the year’s top tennis money winner wasn’t Sharapova. Rather, Federer, with $31.3 million in earnings, was No. 3 (up from No. 7 last year.) Poor Maria slipped from her No. 4 last year to No. 9 with a mere $23.8 million in earnings.

DON’T WE ALL HAVE THAT SAME ‘PROB’: Sharapova has 100 pairs of shoes, but only 15 she really loves.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ‘MOTHER T’ ALSO HAD 100 PAIRS BUT ONLY LOVED 15: After a controversial Roland Garros win in which fans relentlessly hooted against her, Sharapova said, “It’s tough playing tennis and being Mother Theresa.”

SO EASY EVEN A CAVEMAN CAN TOUCH IT UP: In an often-aired Geico ad, the insurance company’s hip, long-suffering caveman (while toting a retro tennis racket) is taken aback when he sees himself in a demeaning ad in an airport. Similarly, when Roddick arrived in Rome, he did a double take at the airport newsstand when he spotted himself on the cover of Men’s Fitness which (poof!) magically pictured him with a pair of killer guns. The cover drew many a comment. One blogger said, “Mr. Magoo could see that the body does not match the head.” Roddick noted, ”I spent the last few weeks on my training…but I’m pretty sure I’m not as fit as the cover suggests…Little did I know I have 22 inch guns and a disappearing birth mark…Maybe Nadal wants his arms back.”

RIGHT, AND WHEN YOU TRANSLATE ELLA FITZGERALD INTO FRENCH AND THEN BACK INTO ENGLISH YOU GET SARAH VAUGHAN: According to the Daily Telegraph, if you translated Ella Fitzgerald’s I Love Paris in the Springtime into French and then back into English, it would become I Appreciate Paris in the Motivating Force.

CHE GUEVERA ON COURT IN PARIS: While on-court in Paris, Venus Williams referred to a little red book with Che Guevra’s iconic image on the cover. But Mark Hodgkinson suggested that “a biography of Margaret Thatcher would have been more in tune with the sport’s individualist, out-for-yourself ethos.”

I Knew Malcolm X, I Listened to Malcolm X, I Was Scared Out of My Converses by Malcolm X, and You’re No … : Serena dubbed herself “Rebel X.”

OUT FROM UNDER THE BURQA: Millions of Islamic women live anonymous lives behind their burqas. But Sania Mirza has a different perspective. The Indian Muslim confided, “There are times when I would enjoy a bit of privacy, but it’s hard when you are one in a billion.”

TENNIS’ ANSWER TO TONYA HARDING: Anne Lamott, the celebrated Marin County writer, reported that as a most competitive kid, during a sleepover at a friend’s house, she snuck away during the night and splashed water on the expensive gut strings in her friend’s racket in hopes her mini-vandalism would help her chances when the two played a match the next day.

MAKES SENSE: When asked whether he spoke with his buddy Mardy Fish about the injury Fish suffered when he kicked a football, Roddick confided, “I just asked him whether he made that field goal.”

SO WHAT DO THESE DUDES HAVE IN COMMON?: Igor Andreev, Alberto Martin, Jose Acasuso, Olivier Mutis, Sargis Sargsian, Wayne Arthurs and Lleyton Hewitt have all beaten Roddick at Roland Garros.

BUT WE LOVE THIS GUY WHO ALWAYS PLAYS DAVIS CUP AND SAYS HE’LL AGAIN SOLDIER ON IN PARIS NEXT YEAR: In four of the last seven years, Roddick has lost in the first round of the French, plus he’s the only U.S. Open champ of the Open era not to reach the 4th round at the French Open.

AND THE LENDL MEDALlION FOR THE BIGGEST TALENT-TO-CHARISMA GAP SINCE IVAN LJUBICIC GOES TO: Nikolay Davydenko.

IDOL THOUGHT: Before Federer finally beat Nadal in the Hamberg final, one blogger predicted Fed had “as much chance of winning as Nikolay Davydenko has of being the next American Idol.”

TENNIS TORTURE: According to Nick Pitt, “Nadal on court is a horrible, cruel person, and his opponents know they are prey. Those who face Federer can expect to have winners hit past them that will make them wince in astonishment, and may shatter illusions of reaching the very top, but to be beaten by Nadal is to suffer a prolonged agony. For although he can hit the pure, clean winner when he needs to, his preferred method is prolonged torture.”

AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM: When asked about the status of tennis in America, Fed Cup coach Zina Garrison admitted, “It’s not as good as we want to be. [But] we have some 10-, 11- and 12-year-olds coming along. So it’s looking good for the future.”

THE BILLIE JEAN MACHINE: Billie Jean King (the tennis player) made Life mag’s list of the 100 Most Important Americans of the 20th Century. Billie Jean (the Michael Jackson hit) made Rolling Stone’s list of 40 Songs That Changed the World.

‘WHERE HAVE YOU GONE. JOE DIMAGGIO’ FACTOID OF THE MONTH: When Baron Gottfried von Cramm — Germany’s gallant tennis star of the mid-30s — was arrested by the Nazis as a homosexual, his longtime American friend and rival Don Budge immediately organized a protest, and 25 U.S. athletes, including Joe DiMaggio, signed a petition urging his release. But it was to no avail.

THOR OBSERVATION: Sue Mott claimed that Serena’s “role model was less Chris Evert than Thor.”

LUCKY TO BE ALIVE: Sharapova’s mother was pregnant with her in ‘86 and living 80 miles from Chernobyl when the nuclear reactor there exploded. The family then fled to Siberia, which, according to the Daily Telegraph, was one of the few places the family could afford. Maria confided that she still talks about Chernobyl with her mom. “She told me she was worried about the radiation affecting me before I was born and about possible illnesses and cancer… When I look back, I think, ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe it. I feel so lucky I got out.’ So many didn’t… I’m lucky to be alive.”

HEADLINES OF THE MONTH:
Americans Get a French Undressing
Maria Queen of the Ovas
Serbian Pool Making a Splash
Youth Is Serbed
Federer Must Prove He Hasn’t Feet of Clay
Nadal Has Six Appeal
Empty Seats a Worldwide Embarrassment

STAT STUFF: Nadal’s record of 21 straight French Open wins is the record for the fastest start of anyone at any Grand Slam event… Federer has reached a record eight straight Grand Slam finals. Since ’05, he’s 4-7 against Nadal and 199-7 vs. all the others.

THE GIFT OF GAB I: One day, there were a record 132 French Open press conferences.

THE GIFT OF GAB II: The Tennis Channel (which did such a fine job in its Grand Slam debut) also aired possibly the worst celebrity interview ever with the insufferable Maury Povich and Connie Chung giving us far more information (The last time I was here in Paris it was with another dude.) than we needed.

SURE AND LET’S HAVE PEACE AND TRANQUILITY IN BAGHDAD BY NEXT TUESDAY: New British tennis boss Paul Annacone says he hopes four to seven Brits will be in the top 20 by 2012.

ORDER ME TWO: Louis Vuitton is offering a racket case for $3,600.

LITTLE THWARTS THE PASSIONATE HUNGER FOR SUCCESS: In light of another success for eager Eastern Europeans, there were many questions about the tough old days back East. Svetlana Kuznetsova recalled how she used to “play inside, but we couldn’t afford gas or electricity. We played in -2 degrees.” Sharapova confided, “I never really suffered, but…not everyone came up to me and said, here’s all this money, a car, a house, and here, I’ll give you this match…Background is definitely a factor, because you realize how hard you’ve worked…You must suffer when you’re young to become a champion.”

LITTLE THWARTS THE HUNGER OF THE VAIN ELITE: In comparing the dandy, above-the-fray elites who descend on the French Open and those who bless Wimbledon with their presence, Andrew Baker captured the scene midway through one scintillating Roland Garros match: “Thousands of people,” he noted, “leave the stadium. The scent of fine cuisine — is that entrecote béarnaise? — drifts across the stadium…There is a distant tinkle of cutlery.

“It has been alleged in the past…that certain elements of the crowd at Wimbledon are less than captivated by tennis. But the prawn sandwich brigade of SW19 looks like ravening tennis fiends compared with their French counterparts, who, quite frankly, couldn’t give a stuff abouttennis if an opportunity arises to stuff their faces.”

JUST WONDERING: How many French Opens will Rafa Nadal, 21, win?…How many more good shots will Fed have at winning the French Open?…Who is the best women’s clay court player—Helen Wills, Margaret Court, Chrissie, Monica, Steffi or Justine?…Are the three notes Justine’s coach gave her to read during Roland Garros — when she had a three-game lead, when she was serving for the match and after the match — a poignant and thoughtful initiative or a subtle violation of the no-coaching rule in Grand Slams?…Who has a more intense grunt — Sharapova, Serena, Seles or Connors?…Are Federer and Nadal, who’ve won 11 of the last 12 majors, tennis’ answer to the Bush/Clinton dynasty which has held the presidency for 18 years?…What if a tennis guru had gotten a hold of young Andy Roddick and transformed his stiff, mechanical backhand into a flowing, one-hander in the way Pete Fisher morphed young Sampras’ backhand?…What was a more significant switch, Sampras’ changing to a one-handed backhand when he was 12 or Nadal switching to be a left-handed player?…Is there some way to pull all those macho Roddick TV ads that are aired just after he suffers one of his deflating first-round defeats?…Is there any prettier exchange in the game than a sliding, sharply-angled, backhand cross-court drop-shot winner, which comes off a sharply angled, sliding, cross-court, backhand drop-shot?…Would an American tennis diva at a big tournament openly inform the press — as did Justine — that her herpes infection re-emerged the night before the final?…Why don’t all the Grand Slams do their seeding based on players’ skill and results on their specific surface?

GO FIGURE: The WTA Media Guide lists Serena’s weight as 135…Martina Navratilova – who said she loves America and speaks out because she does— may try to get dual Czech citizenship, because she is ashamed “of what is happening in America. The thing is that we elected Bush,” she stated. “Against that, nobody chose a communist government in Czechoslovakia” She told the L.A. Times, she worried about America’s image as a “bully” and contended our current policies are “not representing what America’s all about.”…The night before the French final, Ana Inanovic slept just fine. But Henin couldn’t sleep at all. Justine won. Right after the men’s final, Nadal was caked in clay and kind of a disheveled mess. Federer looked pretty good…A reporter asked Federer, “Do you ever wake up and realize how good you are?”…. Serbia –population 10 million – has more players in the top 10 then the U.S. and Russia who have a combined population of 442 million… Canada had a winner at Roland Garros (doubles champ Dan Nestor), America didn’t…A Spaniard hasn’t won a Grand Slam on a surface other than clay…Despite America’s sorry performance in Paris and our problematic Davis Cup history on clay, Sweden will stick with it’s decision to play it’s home Davis Cup tie vs. the U.S. in September on a hard court…When John McEnroe got the ITF’s Phillipe Chatrier Award for service to tennis, he quipped – great, for years that guy tried to get me kicked out of the game.

 

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