By Bill Simons

 

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ESPRIT DU JOUR (“Spirit of the day”): After Amelie Mauresmo added Yannick Noah as a coach, Lisa Dillman asked, “What’s next? Channeling the spirit of Suzanne Lenglen?”

 

ENFANT TERRIBLE (“A disruptively unconventional child”): Ilie Nastase was fined $1,000 for untying an umpire’s shoelaces.

 

AVOIR UN CLOU DANS SA CHAUSSURE (“To have a nail in one’s shoe”): Sammy Giamalva claimed, “There’s nothing worse than clay in your underwear.”

 

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE (“Long live the difference”): Venus Williams said if she were not a tennis player she would be “a struggling college student fighting for the next Cup of Noodles. At least I can fight for the next filet mignon here”…The Belgian Tennis Federation has a $700,000 budget. Two of its players reached the final in ‘03. England’s federation has a $43 million budget. None of its players made it into the women’s main draw that year.

 

PLUS ÇA CHANGE, PLUS C’EST LA MÊME CHOSE (“The more things change, the more they stay the same”): Thomas Bonk noted that first-round loser Boris Becker “has changed his coach, changed his shirt, changed his hair and changed his racket, but he could not change his fortune in the French.”

 

SE METTRE SUR SON TRENTE ET UN (“To dress to the nines”): In ’99, Sue Mott reported that Agassi became “the first earringed American divorcé since Evert to win the French Open.”

 

IL N’YA QUE LA VéRITé QUI BLESSE (“Only the truth hurts”): After Marcelo Rios retired from his first-round match because his legs were sore, Bud Collins suggested, “There’s a tremendous contrast between a genuine champion and a faker. Rios is one of the most miserable characters ever to appear in tennis.”

 

Toute vérité n’est pas bonne à dire (“The truth is sometimes best left unsaid”): After Federer lost to Nadal in last year’s final, Mats Wilander offered IT this controversial analysis: “It’s the first time in his Grand Slams that Roger really faced adversity. The key is that Nadal wanted it and Roger didn’t. The other guys usually don’t give Roger the opposition Nadal did. Nadal said, ‘I can do this for two weeks.’ Roger is relying on shotmaking while Nadal is depending on his aggressive mentality. Roger is saying, ‘Get away from me. I just want to hit a winner.’”

 

La vérité sort de la bouche des enfants (“Out of the mouths of babes”): In ‘90, a young, wide-eyed Jennifer Capriati supposedly said she thought Notre Dame was a football team, but didn’t know about the cathedral. When passing Napoleon’s Tomb, she reportedly quipped, “So that’s where that little dead dude is buried.”

 

Il faut que jeunesse se passe (“Boys will be boys”): Reflecting on both America’s resistance to the globalization of tennis and our greater interest in a Vegas poker tournament than the French Open, Frank DeFord noted, “We Americans, sensitive children of immigrants, are the most parochial fans. [But] there’s an exception to every rule. American fans—excuse me: male American sports fans—followed Kournikova and now watch Sharapova with passionate interest. Not even American jingoism can top sex”…After the female head of France’s Sports Federation returned from going out on court, she reported, “The gentlemen were whistling at me yesterday. But for all the wrong reasons. Boy, can they whistle.”

 

ON OUBLIE VITE! (“How soon they forget!”): When Michael Chang was asked about his ‘95 final against Thomas Muster, he responded, “Did I lose to Muster in the final? I don’t remember that one”…After listening to Chris Evert reminisce about her years on-court at the French, a young fan asked, “You mean Chris actually played at the French Open?” (Yeah, she won seven times, more than any other player.)

 

COMME DIRAIT LAPALISSE (“Stating the obvious”): Serena said she thought she was going to win the Open and added, “If I had not lost, I would have won.”

 

L’AMOUR REND AVEUGLE (“Love is blind”): Rejuvenated by his love for Anke Huber, Andrei Medvedev — ranked No. 100 — reached the ‘99 final and proclaimed, “When there is love, you’re inspired, you can write poems, write music, you can play good tennis, whatever.” (Yet Agassi, who recently had gotten divorced, beat him in the final.)…At the ‘05 awards ceremony, Mary Pierce told the crowd, “The magic word is love. The power of love is amazing. The reason I’m standing here today is the love of God and the love of my family, my friends and everybody who’s been helping me and praying for me.”

 

L’ENFER EST PAVé DE BONNES INTENTIONS (“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”): Patrick D’Arvor tried to capture the romance of the French Open, writing that when he thought of Roland Garros, he thought of “chestnuts in flower, then of young women and the strange pink pollen that falls on the alleys and in some hearts, but not all.”

 

SOUPE-AU-LAIT (“Somebody who gets irritated and goes overboard, like milk boiling suddenly and spilling over in a saucepan”): John McEnroe was in cruise control and seemingly en route to the ’84 title when he got upset by some courtside noise from NBC, promptly had a snit and lost his golden opportunity to win the title, a crown that would have given him a career Slam and his proponents fuel to argue that he was (with Laver, Sampras and Federer) among the very best of all time.

 

UN PEU DE FOLIE EST NECESSAIRE POUR FAIRE UN PAS DE PLUS (“A little folly is necessary to take one more step”): London’s Financial Times said the Nalbandian-Gaudio semi was “a pastiche of a clay-court game, with the players terrified to set foot over the baseline, as if the actual court were a piranha-infested swamp in which they stepped at their peril.”

 

APRES MOI, LE DéLUGE (“After me, the deluge”): Since Agassi won in ’99, no American male has reached the final four.

 

DES QUESTIONS DE LA PRESSE? (“Any questions from the media?”): The first question Nadal was asked after winning the title was, “Do you need to improve a lot?”…After Federer lost to Nadal, he was asked, “Can we establish that there is an invisible law like a law of gravity, a law of clay, that on clay even the most complete player has less chance than the first-class clay-court specialist?”

 

Liege has a lousy location. The ancient Belgian city, famous for producing Justine Henin, the No. 1 player in the world, is right smack dab in the middle of Europe and, like its famous daughter, has a turbulent history. For generation after generation, armies — proud or weary — marched through its streets and over its fields, en route to fast glory or bitter infamy. From the 20th century’s two world wars, back to the exploits of the good ol’ Duke Charles of Burgundy, who conquered the town in the 17th century, to the heroics of St. Lambert who finally herded all those pesky pagans into place in the 8th century, Liege has, as much as any European city, been a magnet for battle. But silly me — I was just a jolly college lad on a carefree hitchhiking journey across the continent and, for me, the city was but a brief launching pad. I simply had to catch the 10:23 p.m. train to Paris. But I was desperately late and, in a misty drizzle, had no idea how to get to the station. Then, on a darkly lit street, I spotted an old gentleman limping along. Bravely I approached him, conjured up my best French accent, and asked how to get to my destination. Oddly, the stranger recoiled in mock shock and despair. He slapped his forehead in agony and moaned bitterly, “Oh no, not again.” Little did I know that instead of simply asking, “Où est la gare?” (“Where’s the station?”), I had inadvertently said, “Où est la guerre?” (“Where’s the war?”) Obviously (as many a Parisian waiter in the wine-stained cafes of the Latin Quarter knows too well), my French is less than pathetic. In fact, I once walked into a high-falutin’ French bistro and, desperately trying to impress a dear friend, sashayed up to the snooty maitre de and boldly held up TWO fingers and barked out, “Une table pour trois, s’il vous plait” (“A table for THREE, please.”) You get the point — a linguist, I’m not. Often, I’d blame my sad fate on my high school French teacher, Mr. McIntyre. He actually was a swell guy, but that didn’t stop me from cursing, “Never take French from an Irishman.” Of course, that had nothing to do with it. It was simply my monolingual tin ear. So I should be the last one to offer ANY kind of French lessons. Having said that, let me plough forward and (in the spirit of that imaginary war that never happened in Liege) offer the following French lessons.

AMI DES TEMPS HEUREUX (“Fair-weather friend”): While one reporter confided that he “considered [Mary] Pierce an American, until she loses,” another pleaded, “We Americans are desperate. We have only two more players left in the tournament. We never stopped loving you. Please, can’t we Americans claim you as one of our own?”

 

MANGER SUR LE POUCE (“To grab a bite”): When ‘94 finalist Alberto Berasategui was asked why he ate chicken 15 minutes before a match, he explained, “Did you ever see how fast chickens run?”

 

SON MENSONGE L’A MIS EN MAUVAISE POSTURE (“Lying put him in a bad position”): Nicolas Coutelot bitterly complained that Juan Carlos Ferrero faked an ankle injury, saying, “It was a lie. It’s as if you said Bin Laden is dead. It’s not true.”

 

SANS ISSUE (“No Exit”): Writer Bill Scheft asked, “Is it just me, or does it seem that the only place from which the U.S. has an effective exit strategy is Roland Garros?”

 

Mieux vaut tard que jamais (“Better late than never”): When James Blake was asked about the prospects of an American guy winning Roland Garros, he said, “Maybe when they put it on hard courts. So maybe never.”

 

LES APPARENCES SONT PARFOIS TROMPEUSES (“All that glitters is not gold”): After referring to all the opulent lunches French Federation president Christian Bimes hosts each day at Roland Garros, an interviewer asked the federation chief, “All those people flocking around you must make you a very happy man. But are you a happy president, Christian Bimes?”

 

DIS-MOI QUE CE N’EST PAS VRAI! (“Say it isn’t so”): The French Tennis Federation has had two presidents in the past 34 years…Elena Dementieva struggled mightily with her serve until she rallied a bit, at which point commentator John McEnroe quipped, “She’s in danger of holding here.”…Amelie Mauresmo equated playing Roland Garros with suffering.

 

C’EST DE CETTE MANIERE QUE LES HUMAINS DEVRAIENT VIVRE (“This is the way people should live”): In ‘05, Yannick Noah asked, “Who’s saying let’s all make this a little bit quieter? Who’s there to lead us and say, ‘Okay, let’s just have a peace. How about enjoying each other’s differences?’ All I hear about is how different we are”…After IT asked Guga Kuerten what would be a greater religious miracle, his winning Wimbledon on grass or Henman winning the French on clay, the Brazilian responded, “I think [it] may be better [for God] to ask the people who make war to stop, to remain quiet.”

 

CE N’EST PAS MA FAUTE (“It’s not my fault”): After losing to Evert, Hana Mandlikova blurted out, “I’m a much better player than Chris. If I’m in good shape, I beat her two and two”…After losing to Graf, Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario sniped, “She was very, very lucky. She had some late calls and [hit] some lines on important points. I was in control of the match, but I was not lucky”…After being upset in the first round, Karol Novacek yanked Derrick Rostagno’s arm and sucker punched him when shaking the hand of his supposed friend…While sitting courtside after her ’99 defeat to Graf, the still-sniffling Hingis was approached by a WTA official who told her it was time to join the awards ceremony. Hingis promptly took a swipe at the official and was fined $1,500.

 

PREDICTIONS DOUTEUSES (“Problematic predictions”): After Pat McEnroe claimed Amelie Mauresmo would win the French Open, his brother John gently informed him that the French-woman had already lost her first- round match that afternoon…Just before the ‘97 final, NBC’s Chris Evert assured us: “There’s no way Iva can beat Martina.” Majoli won 6-4, 6-2.

 

EN UN MOT (“In a word”): Asked who he saw as most likely to win the French Open, Thomas Muster responded: “Spain.”

 

C’EST UNE TERRIBLE CHOSE QUE DE PERDRE MÉME UNE SEULE ÂME (“A mind is a terrible thing to waste”): Yannick Noah contended, “You can make a difference, we can make things better together. If you change one person, one mind, an idea, it changes the whole universe. This is how we have to start”…Asked how she could prevent having another disappointing French Open, Amelie Mauresmo said, “Clear my head, have a brain graft.”

 

COUPER LES CHEVEUX EN QUATRE (“You’re splitting hairs”): Collins claimed Gustavo Kuerten “was a person impersonating a mop.”

 

Un dessin vaut mieux qu’un long discours (“A picture is worth a thousand words”): After avoiding a huge upset to American Michael Russell, Guga Kuerten drew a heart in the red clay, and fell into the middle of it in ecstasy and relief.

 

UN QUESTION DE BON SENS (“Sensible query”): After Lisa Raymond scored an extraordinary comeback over Lubomira Kuhajcova, a reporter asked, “When you were down 0-6, 0-5, 0-30, did you say to yourself, ‘Great, I’ve got her just where I want her?’”

 

J’AIME PARIS (“I love Paris”): You know you are in Paris when your little bag of sugar is decorated with a Renoir…accordion rhythms saturate the Metro…during your morning stroll in the semi-impeccable Luxembourg Garden, you pass a chic, well-dressed, yet completely blasé woman in high heels, squatting by a path, urinating into the petunias without a care in the world…On the Champs Elysees you spot one well-heeled businessman after another in $2,000 Armani pinstripe suits riding on the back of a scooter…Crossing an alley, you are almost hit by a “Picasso” auto…Amelie Mauresmo folds at crunch time.

 

QU’ILS MANGENT DES ESCARGOT (“Let them eat escargot”): Sports Illustrated said the ’02 final between Serena and Venus was “a match that surely made [far-right candidate for prime minister] Jean-Marie Le Pen choke on his escargot (two African-American women in the final, sacre bleu!)”

 

SAVOIR-FAIRE (“Social grace”): After his loss at the French Open, a young Michael Chang thanked each of the ball kids. “He’s the only player who ever thanked us for every ball and bottle of water.” When Chang first played Jimmy Connors, he called him “Mr. Connors.”

 

TOUT CE QUI EST PETIT EST MIGNON (“Everything small is cute”): As Chang swept to the ’89 title, Tommy Bonk wrote, “He’s so young, so small, and his serve is so-so. So how is he doing? Hotter than café au lait? Tougher than a week-old baguette?”… Barry Tompkins added, “This is Rocky Balboa, Roy Hobbs and Kirk Gibson all wrapped into one.”

 

C’EST LA VIE! (That’s life”): In ’84, Bud Collins predicted that someone some day would hit an underhanded serve for a winner against Ivan Lendl (who often would stand far behind the baseline to receive serve). Five years later, Chang did exactly that. Unfortunately, Collins also picked Natasha Zevereva to win the final in ‘89. She lost 6-0, 6-0.

 

DIEU EST MORT (“God is dead”): Four days after Sports Illustrated asked, “Is the men’s tour trying to commit suicide?” Agassi won the ‘99 French Open in one of the most scintillating, widely viewed matches in history.

 

DIEU MORT? NON! (“God is dead — not!”) After winning in ‘04, Gaston Gaudio claimed, “I touched heaven.” ”

To contact Bill Simons, email him at editorial@insidetennis.com

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