YOU TUBE PHENOM: Mikhail Youzhny's bizarre bloody attack on himself (when, after dumping a standard backhand into the net at a crucial juncture in his third-round match in Key Biscayne against Nicolas Almagro, he brutally bashed himself in the head three times with his Head racket) was just a tad reminiscent of the "why me?" attack by a Tonya Harding goon on Nancy Kerrigan's knees or a linebacker whacking himself in the head with his helmet. Certainly, it was one of the wackiest incident in tennis since Jeff Tarango's wife hit an ump in the Wimbledon interview room. The Tennis Channel immediately suggested, "It's almost Van Gogh-like. He looks like a bit like Van Gogh with the shaven head. Don't let him cut his ear off." Others thought Youzhny had a future as a pro wrestler or as an enforcer for a Russian hockey team. While Youzhny himself simply said he and Almagro “were two wild and crazy guys,” the blogosphere sizzled as Youzhny’s antics drew about 2.5 million viewers and many an opinion. Here are top ten comments.
10. The makers of that racket stand by the quality of their product to withstand frequent head strikes!
9. Makes McEnroe look like a Boy Scout.
8. Brilliant strategic move to force an injury time-out with a self-inflicted wound.
7. Imagine when he has road rage? …Drivers beware!
6. Oh, that poor racket. I do hope it’s okay.
5. I always wanted to play tennis as a child. It was my mother who finally made me realize the sport was simply too violent.
4. This is cruelty to rackets all around the world. We have to stop this kind of cruelty, that racket has kids and a wife back home.
3. Tennis Ball $5.
Tennis Racket $107.
Smashing your face with your racket until it bleeds: Priceless.
2. Glad he doesn’t play lawn darts.
1. If they wore helmets, none of this would have happened.
NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT YOUR CHATEAU MARGAUX: Arnaud Clement conceded that his dubs partner Micheal Llodra was crazy. In particular, during their critical Davis Cup match with the Bryan Bros., when they huddled together to talk tactics, Llodra re-assured Clement, "We can drink wine tonight — even if we lose." Llodra then told the press that he had a supply of his pricey wine of choice — Chateau Margaux, which goes for a mere $1,659.99 a bottle — on hand in Carolina.
AND THE SUCKER IS YOU: While reflecting on Arnaud Clement's role as the most vulnerable guy on the court during the Bryan Bros. vs. Clement/Micheal Llodra Davis Cup match, Leif Shiras likened the situation to the classic quip by the now-ailing Paul Newman, who said it's like when you're at a poker table, and you're looking around to figure out who's the sucker, and then you realize — guess what — the sucker is you.
AND YOU THOUGHT WINSTON-SALEM, N.C., WAS ALL ABOUT MAKING CIGARETTES: "Imagine all the French people who arrived in Winston-Salem [for the Davis Cup]," noted Leif Shiras, "only to discover it's the home of Krispy Kreme donuts." Shiras then noted, "I'm not sure the donut has been able to penetrate the croissant market in France."
NOT EXACTLY SCRATCHING HIS THING ON THE SOFA: The ever-loveable Marat Safin reflected on his sketchy results, saying, "I had so many injuries. So it's not because I was scratching my things on the sofa and I didn't want to play tennis. It was because I've been sick...It's not like I was partying my ass off on South Beach, because I'm trying. It takes a lot of courage to try and still go on the court when you're ranked No. 85 in the world."
A CERTAIN SIGN THAT THE SKY HAS INDEED FALLEN: Federer hasn't won a tournament since November... Nadal hasn't won since July...An Austrian betting outfit sued the French Federation for cracking down on gambling.
NAH, IT WAS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT: During one tense moment during the U.S. vs. France Davis Cup tie, commentator Leif Shiras said, "The fate of nations rests on moments like this."
HOW DO YOU SPELL AVIS IN SPANISH?: Rafa Nadal has been locked in at No. 2 since July ‘05 — an astounding 140 consecutive weeks.
A PHRASE WE THOUGHT WE'D NEVER HEAR: To introduce a courtside interview, broadcaster Ted Robinson jokingly said, “Now let's go down and talk with that five-set specialist James Blake."
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WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON?: Both hockey and bass fishing bounced key tennis matches — the Davis Cup and the Sony Ericsson — from TV coverage... Arguably the best two players in tennis history — Sampras and Federer — now have worked with Jose Higueras.
FAR FROM PHONY PHONE FACTS: Nikolay Davydenko's brother won't give his phone records to investigators who are looking into gambling allegations relating to an obscure but suspicious match in Poland last year in which millions were bet on Davydenko losing after he won the first set against Martin Vassallo Arguello... Greg Cote wrote that Jelena Jankovic wore a dress made of cellphone parts to the player's party in Miami. But people didn't like it. "It got a poor reception."... Neil Harman reported that Roddick noticed model Brooklyn Decker while skimming through Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue and then asked his agent Ken Meyerson to get him Decker's phone number and the rest became history.
WHO IS BROOKLYN DECKER [AND WHY DO WE LOVE HER SO MUCH]: Roddick’s love Brooklyn was named after a horse named Brook. She was born in Ohio, grew up in North Carolina and was discovered in a mall. She headed off to New York after high school, has been in SI’s swimsuit issue for three straight years, was in both Portland, Ore., and Winston-Salem to see Andy play Davis Cup and as a self-described hippie child, loves the Beatles, Jefferson Airplane, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix.
SAY IT ISN'T SO: Wuz wrong with our sport? Only a few handfuls of our tournaments even make it to network TV. So we have to accept that the Davis Cup is being broadcast by Versus (which is not about to be mistaken for the Tiffany Network). But then a thrilling Blake-Mathieu match — at 3-3 in the fifth set no less — gets bumped off the air by a Stanley Cup playoff game. Then, when the match gets picked up by The Tennis Channel and gets really enthralling at 6-5 (with Blake trying to close it out), The Tennis Channel loses its signal and we go directly to "the Beast" Max Mirnyi rummaging through his tennis bag as he’s telling us all in some detail about his sunscreen. Well, at least it wasn't Rennae Stubbs talking about Ben Gay. BTW: The Tennis Channel got it's signal back just in time to show Blake giving his mom a celebratory hug.
JUST WONDERING: As the Palm Beach Post pointed out, if beating Roger Federer is now so easy, why does it feel like such a festival when it actually happens?...If, after 22 years, Boston officials warmly brought super-goat Bill Buckner to throw out the first pitch of their Red Sox opener, why can't someone figure a way to bury the sizeable hatchet in order to stage a feel-good return of Californians Venus and Serena to the Indian Wells fold...In light of Pat McEnroe ascending to the high-profile position as czar of America's player development program, the question comes to mind, can any national federation actually engineer excellence? (But, then again, the federations in France and Spain have had pretty impressive runs.)...When it comes to hunger, desire and ("I gotta win or I'll die") fire in the belly, how significant a downside is it — when it comes to developing hardened champions — that our nation is so incredibly wealthy, despite the current recession, and that our culture has so many appealing options and diversions?...To what extent is playing college tennis still a significant option as a pathway to the pros?... What's a better tournament — the appealing desert oasis that is the Pacific Life Open or the happening Sony Ericsson Open, with its rocking Latin beat?...Now that Federer and many other players have sent out a cautionary letter about the future of Etienne de Villiers, how worried should the ATP boss be about his future?
LOVE NOTES: After announcing his engagement, Roddick scored a long overdue victory over Federer, which prompted Roger to quip, "I guess all I had to do was be engaged."...Reflecting on her new-found focus on tennis, rather than showbiz and her social life, Serena said, "Right now, I'm dating my tennis racket."
'A LITTLE LESS CRAPPY': After upping his record against Federer to 2-15, an elated Roddick said, "That's what you wake up for - the moments you go to the practice court for. You can have low moments, but those 10, 15 seconds after a big win make up for a lot of bad days...I'm not going to sit here and act like all of a sudden I've fixed the problem. I'm batting 2-for-17. Still pretty crappy, [but] it's a little less crappy."
LORD OF 'DA RINGS: Roddick explained how he got the engagement ring he gave to SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. "[I] got it in a gumball machine. You know those machines with the big claws? A claw grabbed it."
TO WIN, YOU FIRST GOTTA SHOW UP: There have been many keys to the U.S.'s recent Davis Cup successes, including camaraderie and good health. (The team of Roddick, Blake and the Bryan Bros. has played in 10 straight ties.) In contrast, the U.S. has benefited mightily from a recent string of no-shows their Davis Cup foes have suffered: Radek Stepanek (Czech Republic), Rafael Nadal (Spain), Thomas Johannson (Sweden), Nikolay Davydenko and Marat Safin (Russia) and Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and, in significant measure, Richard Gasquet (France).
WORST PERSON IN THE (TENNIS) WORLD: Due to a sore hand and knee problem, France's best player, top-10er Richard Gasquet, seemingly wimped out of playing Davis Cup (until it was too late) vs. the U.S.
THE ANTI-GASQUET: Before the fiercely competitive Roddick went out to try and clinch a Davis Cup tie for the tenth straight time, Justin Gimelstob said, "He relishes this moment...He's the anti-Gasquet."
DIRTY DANCING: In a post-match interview, Roddick said that when he plays against Spain on clay, he would "have to get dirty." Justin Gimelstob then quipped "you're good at that." To which Andy cautioned, "Easy Gimbel, there're children here...that was a little creepy the way you said that."
MAKING A BAD THING WORSE: One of the most perplexing ("Why can't we just along?") developments in tennis in the past decade has been the meltdown between the Williams family and the Pacific Life Open; a standoff that emerged out of two hours of hooting and heckling of the then-19-year-old Serena at the '02 Indian Wells final. WTA chief Larry Scott recently noted, "It was one of the harshest environments I've seen a player have to be in." Venerable PLO tournament chairman Charlie Pasarell has long stated that the sisters would be welcomed back, but he's not going to get down on his knees. "I never ask or beg or try to force a player to come and play here. If they want to come and play, great. If they don't want to come and play, that's their loss, not ours." Clearly, the painful incident left a deep wound that has yet to heal. Richard Williams was livid when IT asked him if he might turn the other cheek and return to Indian Wells. Likewise, Venus and Serena have made it clear that they have no intention of returning. Making matters only more complicated, the WTA is clumsily considering installing a rule that would require all top players to play a select number of high-profile events (think Indian Wells, Miami, Madrid, etc.) or risk suspension. Translation: starting next year, if the Williams opt to again skip Indian Wells, they could be fined or worse — prevented from playing their beloved Sony Ericsson in their own backyard, Miami, which they've won a combined eight times. All of this prompts one to exhale, "What a revoltin' development." So, one might ask, where are the thoughtful, diplomatic minds when they're really needed?
CHARISMA GONE WILD: Nikolay Davydenko is No. 4, David Ferrer is No. 5.
CAUTION — EXCESSIVE GRUNTING MAY
BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH: Greg Cote suggested that Sharapova's recent
fatigue might have been "brought
on by excessive grunting."
'DEE' PAPA OF 'DEE' GLAMIFICATION PROJECT HEADS TO 'DEE' EXIT: The brief but lively foray into tennis of Dee Dutta — Sony Ericsson's VP and global head of communications and PR, recently came to a rather abrupt end when the British exec resigned. For insiders, Dutta was suggestive of a kind of Ted-Tinling-on-steroids, who was famous for his glitz-heavy (some would say glitz-only) approach to the game. Dutta claimed his company's efforts to glam up tennis - dubbed the Tennis Glamification Project — are "all about being hip and cool. Somewhere along the way, tennis became more about backhands and forehands and lost some of its glamour."
MORE GRUELING THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE?: Many praise Aussie Open champ Sharapova for her charity work and the fact that her drawing power carries many a tourney. Still, when Maria Sharapova withdrew from Miami, the Miami Herald’s Linda Robertson was less than pleased. "She's feeling fatigued. It's only March, but she needs a break. The suite life of jet-setting tennis stars is more grueling than you can imagine, what with the physical demands, the corporate obligations and the multiple time zones. Why, Sharapova once had to fly to Dubai on a private jet three hours after a match to promote the launch of Dubai Lifestyle City...It's tough being a pro who has earned almost $12 million in prize money and at least that much in endorsements from Sony Ericsson, Canon, Colgate, Nike, Land Rover, Tag Heuer and Gatorade. Among the Top 10 Things That Annoy Maria on her website is No. 1: "When they don't have the shoes I want in my size!" So what, wondered Robertson, "would Brett Favre say? The Green Bay quarterback started 253 consecutive regular-season games...and he was being tackled on a regular basis." Ultimately, Robertson claimed, "Something's been missing. Sharapova lacks the grind-it-out consistency and rise-to-the-moment opportunism of Justine Henin... Wouldn't it be nice if athletes never had any concerns? But isn't adversity part of sports, or of any job? BTW: Right after Key Biscayne, Sharapova survived some tough matches to win Amelia Island.
HEADLINE OF THE MONTH: Andy's Off the Market
GLOBALIZATION 101: American Mardy Fish plays with K-Swiss gear, while the pride of Switzerland, Roger Federer, is with the American brand Nike... American Andy Roddick plays with a French racket with French gut and in French shoes and apparel. His French Davis Cup opponent, Paul-Henri Mathieu plays with an American racket and apparel from a German company.
ANDY MURRAY'S APPARENT WISH TO BE ANYWHERE ELSE: London's Sunday Times, contended "the glaring inadequacies born not of Andy Murray's tennis game but his stubbornness to respond to constructive advice will cost him dearly after his Sony Ericsson Open campaign fell at the opening hurdle. After reaching the semifinal a year ago, the British No. 1's defeat to Croatia's Mario Ancic means he will tumble out of the top 20... Murray stood at match point on his own serve and delivered a double fault. Clearly such pressure situations are the making or undoing of a potential champion and in this case Murray failed dismally. Murray's body language is regularly a subject for debate but on this occasion it suggested basic disinterest and an apparent wish to be anywhere else."
ADVANTAGE BRYANS: To make his point that the Bryan Bros. gained from nine months of in vitro closeness in the womb, Justin Gimelstob contended that even if the Bryan Bros.’ opponents "had played doubles together every day of their lives, Bob and Mike would still have nine months of communication on them."
THE MOST CURIOUS 'DO SINCE AGASSI'S MULLET: Roddick's faux Mohawk.
(JUST FOR LUCK) RUN THAT BY ME ONE MORE TIME: Justin Gimelstob said he wasn't 'superstitious' just 'mildly-stitious.'
IT’S LONELY AT THE TOP: Years ago Chris Evert confided how sad she was when she won Wimbledon but was all alone in her hotel after the win with no one to share her triumph. France's Guy Forget echoed that point, noting that even if you win a tournament on Sunday it can be a lonely experience, because the locker room is empty, your friends are gone, there is no one to party and celebrate with, and you can end up alone in your hotel room.
HIGH HEELS CAN BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH: Asked to reflect on the uninspired performance by her friend Monica Seles on Dancing with the Stars, Lindsay Davenport said, "It's so difficult to go out there and do something you're completely unfamiliar with. I couldn't even walk across this room in high heels, let alone try and do a dance number."
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, LEAVES VEGAS: Back in ‘85, Alan King's Tennis Classic folded its Las Vegas tent. Now it's the turn of the Tennis Channel Open. Although tournament officials spoke glowingly of their love of Sin City, there were ample problems: bad weather, poor attendance, a lack of star power and even questions about the competitive format of the tourney, which in '07 experimented with Round Robin play. BTW: A few days after The Tennis Channel announced they sold The Tennis Channel Open and it would be leaving town, the station ran a promo about how great the tournament was for Las Vegas tennis.
FISH WRAP: What are the odds that best friends Mardy Fish and Andy Roddick would score back to back wins over Federer respectively in Indian Wells and Miami...Was Mardy Fish's straight-set win over Roger Federer in Indian Wells more impressive than Kevin Anderson's win over Novak Djokovic in Miami...Sorry, readers, one of our photographers sent us the following — the two stupidest fish jokes we've ever encountered: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
YOU GO GIRL: Serena is looking slimmer and more muscular.
JULIO CESAR CHAVEZ VS. MUHAMMED ALI: After losing to Serena Williams, Jelena Jankovic conceded: "Amazing power...It's like a heavyweight champion and I'm a feather champion, you know? I cannot match up against her. Just too much power for me to handle."
NEWS FLASH — FEDERER WINS AUGUSTA!: After winning golf’s Masters title, Trevor Immelman offered a Top 10 List for David Letterman. No. 10: “I’ve been elevated from ‘unknown’ to ‘obscure.’ ”No. 5: “When my caddy recommends a club I can say, ‘Excuse me, how many Masters have you won?’” No. 1: “Get to put my arm around Tiger Woods and say ‘Maybe next year.’” But our favorite was No. 6: “President Bush called to congratulate me for winning Wimbledon.”
GO FIGURE: Last year, Justine Henin was invigorated by her divorce. This year, Lindsay Davenport was invigorated by motherhood...Paul-Henri Mathieu has lost a final Davis Cup match for France five times...Before he finally beat Federer, Roddick said Roger "hadn't missed a ball at a crucial moment for six years against me...The U.S. will not play another Davis Cup home tie this year.
LIKE WALKING ON WATER: It took five days, 12 workers, 130 acrylic tubes, a three-man video unit, non-slip shoes and a helicopter to pull off the rooftop promotion in Miami in which Serena and Nadal appeared to be playing on water." I hope this doesn't sound blasphemous," said Williams, "but I can honestly say I walked on water."
ON CLOUD 11: A JELENA JANKOVIC QUOTEBOOK
It was a great month for the 'giggliest' gal in the game.
• Jelena said, "If I'm playing on cloud nine, I'm trying to get to cloud 10, and actually cloud 11."
• She admitted, "I'm a big spender. I like to swipe my card. I like just doing it, you know, that motion."
• Jankovic explained that she has homes in Serbia, Coral Gables, and Rancho Santa Fe Calif. "in order to fit all my Louis Vuitton and Dolce & Gabbanna bags and shoes."
• After spotting Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson in the stands during her Sony Ericsson loss to Serena, Jelena recalled that "One of the actors was in the movie, White Men Can't Jump, and I was feeling...White Girls Can't Play."
• During the injury time out she took during the Sony Ericsson final Jelena said, "My whole head is going to explode." The courtside Doc then asked, "Are you on antibiotics?" "You gave me antibiotics, don't you remember?" responded a perplexed Jelena.
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