‘OH MY GOD!’ — IMAGINE IF THAT BOAT SANK: Roger Federer had dinner on Tiger Woods’ $20 million yacht in Key Biscayne.

 

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES: After his loss in singles in Miami, Tim Henman also dropped his doubles match, prompting his four-year-old daughter Rose to ask, “Daddy, why did you lose again?”

 

INTRO TO MAGIC 101: Bud Collins claimed, “Serena, definitely a Houdini in drag, has escaped more traps than any comic book character,”…Mary Carillo suggested that Justine Henin was “such a little roadster out there. She can shrink the court and make you feel that you’ve got to play one more shot to hit closer to the lines.”

 

I-‘MESS’ IN THE ‘MOURNING’: The high-profile freefall of shock-jock Don Imus wasn’t without a tennis connection. The eclectic and sports-loving Imus often had Bud Collins on his show, and Pat McEnroe had an extended, sometimes prickly relationship with Imus. His show — long a “leader” in the culture of meanness — was a center for free-form verbal abuse. So it’s hardly surprising that Imus’ sidekick Sid Rosenberg was temporarily fired in ‘01 for calling Venus an “animal” and contending that the Williams sisters would more likely be seen on the pages of National Geographic than in Playboy. Rosenberg insisted that his comments weren’t racist, “just zoological” (Ouch!). Imus himself has referred to Amelie Mauresmo — one of the game’s most thoughtful and likeable players — as a “big old lesbo” and referred to a graceful Indian duo as “Gunga Din and Sambo.”

 

A SURE SIGN OF SUCCESS: James Blake, who finished ’06 at No. 4, said, “I’m flattered to hear that I’m No. 9 in the world and I’m slumping. It’s a real credit to me that I’m in a slump and can still be in the top 10. When you get criticized on every little thing you do, that’s when you’ve probably made it.”

 

OKAY, PUT THE MONEY UNDER THE ELM STREET PARK BENCH AT 2 A.M., DON’T YOU DARE CALL THE COPS AND…: Charles Elmore recently penned this inventive message to imagined tennis kidnappers: “Please release James Blake’s backhand unharmed and we will meet your demands. Nobody gets hurt, okay? We just want American tennis to walk away from this with two top-10 men’s players.”

QUICK! CALL HOMELAND SECURITY: Bud Collins said that Guillermo Canas’ beating Fed twice in row was “like breaking into Fort Knox twice in successive tries.”

REFLECTIONS ON ELVIS, JESUS CHRIST AND THE CHUPACABRA: Until a month ago, tennisdom viewed Federer as a compelling phenom, the epitome of athletic grace. How quickly the landscape shifts. Now the Miami Herald’s Daniel Le Batard has offered an unsparing commentary that suggested that “somebody needs to unplug the closest thing we have in sports to a robot. Snip the wires of Bjorn Cyborg…Short-circuit all this droning greatness. Because The Tennis-ator might very well be the best thing in the history of sport, but he is not at all good for his sport…It’s like watching a priceless, solid-gold metronome…It’ll make your mouth drop if Federer loses a set. Losing a tournament? That’s like seeing a spaceship landing on the court and Elvis, Jesus Christ and the chupacabra getting out…Ivan Lendl had the personality of sawdust. About the only electric thing about Sampras was in his right hand. And Federer isn’t exactly a nightclub…Connors, McEnroe and Agassi offered contrast, story line, theatre, tension, possibility. But men’s tennis right now is one aquarium with a great white shark and a bunch of remora fish. One champion and a bunch of chum.”

 

ALL YOU NEED IS WHAT?: After breaking up with his girlfriend of three years, Marat Safin recalled, “We used to fight, break up, get back together again. It was all quite hectic…Everyone gets sick of a disease called love.”

 

TRUTH BE TOLD: During a blowout match, coaching-related issues can become the most intriguing aspect of the game…Mary Carillo noted that Henin “has got that Andre Agassi ‘I did it my way’ thing going”…As for Federer, it was not so much that he lost in Miami, but more the way he did: spraying forehands, double faulting, being indecisive and unable to put away Canas or go to plan B. There were even times when the game’s God-figure seemed a tad confused.

 

PUNISHMENT OR BLESSING?: Reflecting on Guillermo Canas who, after a 15-month suspension for drugs, had a remarkable comeback, Jon Wertheim noted that tennis at its highest level is physically brutal and “when a player such as Canas can spend a year working on his game and convalescing, free from the grind of tournament play and travel, it is less a punishment than a disguised blessing.”

 

SAY IT ISN’T SO: For the third year in a row, Federer did not compete in Switzerland’s first-round Davis Cup. Justine Henin and Kim Clijsters didn’t play against the U.S. in Fed Cup. Spain’s Rafael Nadal passed on playing the Davis Cup in North Carolina…Clijsters, who for years astounded us with all those reality-defying splits, now says, at 23, that she can’t do them anymore…Queen Elizabeth, who hasn’t been to Wimbledon in 30 years — the most extraordinary sporting event in the British Commonwealth — is planning to attend the Kentucky Derby. But at least the monarch recently prevailed at the opening ceremony for Britain’s elite tennis players, where she congratulated Andy Murray’s mother, Judy, and said she was a fan of the rising Scot.

 

MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE: Justine Henin chose not to play the Aussie Open this year because she was dealing with the emotional fallout of a difficult separation. Kim Clijsters has chosen not to play Wimbledon or the French Open because of her pending marriage and honeymoon.

 

EIGHT IS ENOUGH: When super-coach Nick Bollettieri, 75, was asked why he’s still working so hard, he quipped, “Sir, I’m on my eighth marriage. I’ve got a lot of alimony to pay.”

 

SURFACE OBSERVATION: The days of Davis Cup home teams installing lightening fast courts that make ice seem slow, or clunky (“stuck in the big muddy”) clay courts may be numbered. The ITF is moving to ban ultra-fast or slow surfaces.

 

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH: “Henman Handed Canas Opener”

 

LITERARY NOTES: Brad Gilbert is being paid about $1 million to bring Andy Murray and British tennis to the promised land, but Murray has not yet read his coach’s instructional book, Winning Ugly…Patty Schnyder is working on a multi-media project, entitled The White Mile…On a slightly different scale, after an astounding publishing bidding war, Andre Agassi will get more than $5 million for an upcoming biographical volume. All this for a tennis player, not the prez of the U.S. And yeah, with a bid like that, they say you’d have to sell about 600,000 copies to make a buck.

 

STAMP OF APPROVAL: Federer became the first living Swiss to be honored with a stamp in Switzerland. “I’m proud,” said Roger, “to be a symbol like the army knife or the mountains.” By the way, the U.S. has an Arthur Ashe stamp. Japan has a Sharapova stamp.

 

ANYTHING’S FOR SALE: The Sony Ericsson Open has shamelessly tried to sell guest reporter passes, where fans could purchase access to the Key Biscayne press room and the press conferences in the interview room.

 

SMASH MOUTH TENNIS: During an on-court fund-raiser for a Houston elementary school, Andre Agassi inadvertently whacked his wife Steffi Graf with his racket while the couple was hitting balls with two kids. Gripping the racket in his left hand while holding Graf’s hand with his right, Agassi followed through on a shot and caught her in the mouth. Three stitches were needed to close the wound. “She’s okay,” Agassi said sheepishly. “It was an unfortunate accident.” Graf wiped away the blood with a towel and left the court immediately.

 

GO FIGURE: In Miami, Sharapova was seeded No. 1 even though Justine Henin was ranked No. 1 in the world…Guillermo Canas is 5-0 vs. top-10ers this year…In four sets against Serena this year, Sharapova won five games…Federer claimed he was “really happy” with his play during his second successive defeat by Guillermo Canas…Federer lost early in the two big tournaments to the same man and it was not Rafael Nadal and neither tournament was on clay…Yannick Noah’s longtime agent Donald Dell will represent Noah’s son Joakim in the upcoming NBA draft, where projections have him as the No. 11 pick.

 

FUTILITY HAS ITS UPSIDE: The daunting prospect of playing Federer in Miami brought out the unflappable humor of Sam Querrey, who said of the Swiss, “If I see him in the locker room or in practice, I’ll give him a little stare or something, to intimidate him…[Plus] my player box is going to be full of celebrities, too…I’ll probably get an autograph from Tiger between [games]. I’ll bring a golf ball with me.”

 

JUST WONDERING: Is Djokovic the most likely candidate to replace Federer atop the tennis world?…Was the scintillating Sharapova vs. Venus match in Miami the best second-round match in recent history?…Doesn’t the way Novak Djokovic so deftly uses his drop shot get you wondering why others don’t employ that weapon more often?…Has James Blake played more dead rubber Davis Cup matches (eight) than any other American?…Did Maria Karilenko have the toughest early draw in memory at Miami? Had she prevailed, the Russian would have to have beaten Venus, Sharapova and Serena.

 

METRO MAN: Some say because Federer is Swiss and isn’t that demonstrative, he’ll never become a crossover star in America. But this month’s Men’s Vogue features an Annie Leibovitz photo of the fashionably flawless fellow on its cover.

 

FANS: THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY

THE GOOD: Attendance at the Pacific Life Open topped the 300,000 mark for the first time. It was the largest crowd for any tournament outside of a Grand Slam…As usual, crowds at the Sony Ericsson Open in Key Biscayne were upbeat, festive and diverse. The enthusiastic sell-out throng of 14,500 in Winston-Salem certainly aided America’s relatively easy Davis Cup victory over Spain. The crowd, which came from all 48 continental states, included the Net Heads, who vowed “to be there for these guys like Duke’s Cameron Crazies.”

THE BAD: Spaniard Fernando Verdasco “was upset with the stupid things” a fan was yelling. “He was saying bad things about my serve, my racket and the Spanish people”…In Miami, some complained that Argentineans went too far in backing their players. For example, when a close-up of a Swiss flag and a “Shhh, Quiet…Genius at Work” sign were shown on the video screen during the Canas-Federer match, the crowd booed loudly. Fed responded that “South Americans make their way to Key Biscayne and make it a nice atmosphere for us players as long as they don’t boo my Swiss flag.”

THE UGLY: When a fan in Miami allegedly called out to Serena to hit her shots into the net “like any Negro would” and told her she was lazy, that she didn’t run for balls, Serena got upset. “I was in shock,” she said. “I can’t believe anyone would stoop to that level…What kind of a person would do this?…I shouldn’t have let it bother me because, growing up in Compton, we had drive-bys [shootings], and I guess that’s what my dad prepared me for, but I’m not going to stand for it. The guy was saying things that shouldn’t have been said. It was totally unethical…It was derogatory.” Eventually, guards escorted from his seat. A criminal check was run, and he was the fan threatened with arrest if he returned. Richard Williams said that if Indian Wells “had handled this the same way, we never would have had a problem.” The fan himself admitted some of the taunts, but said he never used the N-word. But Richard Williams was livid, saying, “Even a rabbit gets treated better than a black person in America. If you shoot a rabbit out of season, it’s a $500 fine or six months in jail. They can shoot us all day long for nothing at all.”

 

A CONFRONTATION IS COMING: The bottom line is that if the WTA’s new roadmap rules go through in ’09, Venus and Serena would face serious fines and suspensions if they continued to not play in Indian Wells. It would also mean that they would be banned from playing Key Biscayne as well. “I can guarantee you, the chances of getting me to Indian Wells are slim and none. I’m not going to go back. I have no interest in going,” said Serena. “Anyone who went through what I went through would feel a similar situation.” Richard Williams threatened the WTA with legal action if it forces his daughters to play Indian Wells, but WTA chief Larry Scott said, “I’ve discussed this with both of them, and they understand we can’t design a system around individual issues that players have.”

 

MOST CURIOUS INSTRUCTIONAL TIP OF THE MONTH: After Serena thumped Sharapova 6-1 in the first set of their Miami quaterfinal, her coach and father Richard came on court and told Serena she shouldn’t hit to Maria’s weaker side “for the simple reason that you would win. So try and hit some balls to her strong side, to her backhand. That will help you with your match tomorrow.”

 

CRUELEST INSTRUCTIONAL TIP OF THE MONTH: After Ted Robinson noted that Sharapova signed autographs left-handed, Jimmy Arias suggested, “The way she’s serving, she may want to serve left-handed.”

 

ZINGER OF THE MONTH: Andy Roddick first noted that the round-robin format had “more holes than Swiss cheese,” and then, in a thinly veiled critique of the ATP boss Etienne de Villiers, said, “I guess some people don’t even know the rules of [the round-robin] — especially people who invent it.”

 

TIGER-FED UPDATE: Federer now has 10 Grand Slams and needs five more to break Sampras’ record of 14. Realistically, the 25-year old might have seven good years to do it. Tiger Woods has now won 12 majors and needs 7 to break Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 and, realistically, the 31-year-old golfer has about 12 years to do it. We think both will break these all-time records.

 

BEST CROSS-SPORT ANALYSIS: When asked whether he or Federer was better, Tiger Woods said, “I’d whup him.” In tennis, the questioner continued: “Oh, in tennis! No…The shots, angles and things he can create, no one in the history of the game has ever been able to do. It’s pretty neat for all of us to be watching a living legend play. You know he’s going to surpass Sampras’ record. It’s just a matter of when.”

 

OH, THANKS FOR BESTOWING SUCH AN HONOR UPON US: Reflecting on Tiger watching him play in New York and Miami, Federer generously noted: “It’s great Tiger watches tennis — a great honor for our sport.” As for Roger watching Tiger play a practice round in Florida, Woods commented, “It’s pretty neat when you have probably the most dominant athlete in the world out there in your gallery.”

 

REFUGEE-WHIZ: Tennis has produced countless refugee tales of redemption. This month’s example is Amer Delic, the former NCAA champ by way of Illinois, Bosnia and Jacksonville, who beat Nikolay Davydenko in Miami. When Delic was 13, his family fled Bosnia and landed in Jacksonville with $1,000, two rackets and four suitcases. According to the N.Y. Times, seven family members then holed up in a two-room apartment, and they didn’t have a car for six months.

 

NO TEARS FOR MARTINA: Although Martina Hingis has reached only one semi in eight tournaments this year, she just passed the $20 million milestone in earnings. Only Steffi, Davenport and Navratilova have pocketed more.

 

THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE: Years ago, passionate, thoughtful and multifaceted Yannick Noah said, “Winning is great, but nothing is as beautiful to me as seeing the smile on my son’s face.” He and his son Joachim have much in common, but there are slight differences. After Joachim’s Florida team won the NCAAs, he repeatedly shouted that they would be partying the night away in a way “you couldn’t possibly understand,” while Yannick, after winning the ’83 French Open philosophically said the day was the “best first day of the rest of my life. I can’t believe it.”

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