Never mind whether or not the cultural historians will compare Andy Roddick's stream-of-consciousness Cheetos press conference to Richard Nixon's weepy Checkers speech or just mark it as the most surreal moment in a tennis pressroom since Jeff Tarango's wife Benedicte attacked a ref at Wimbledon. In any case, it's worth recalling Roddick's tour-de-force ramble after he suffered a dismal loss at the hands of Russian Igor Andreev at Indian Wells. Our let-it-all-hang-out American walked into the press conference (which he said had the atmosphere of a funeral) and let ‘er rip with a ramble who's core theme was that he missed the good ol' days when he just came out and blasted through foes. “I used to like hit for a half hour,” he recalled, “and then go eat Cheetos the rest of the day, [then] come out and drill forehands. Now I'm really trying to make it happen [by] being professional...[but] I miss my Cheetos.” And what about the future? He retorted, “I don't know. I'm not Miss Cleo [the B-list TV psychic].” As for his demeanor on-court, he spoke of wide-ranging options from going kamikaze to “achieving a Gandhi-like peace of mind.” Roddick assured a chuckling throng of reporters that he would not be retooling his game. “That's sort of a sign of giving up. [Barry] Bonds is not going to begin laying down sac bunts.” And when he was asked whether his Russian foe had been mentally tougher than he, Roddick played his Simpsons card. Referring to one of the TV shows zanier characters, he noted that “[Andreev] went and attacked the net in the middle of the tiebreaker, went Sideshow Bob on it...I had him against the grain a little bit, but I don't know if I can answer that in the affirmative or the negative there. Sorry.”

The Father-Son Connection (Noah Style): Not too many tennis offspring are fab athletes. Phil Dent’s bounding boy Taylor has had a fine go of it. Holden Seguso-Basset, the son of Robert Seguso and Carling Basset, is a young player of some promise, and Ivan Lendl’s daughters are aspiring golfers. But it was sweet for tennis aficionados when Florida hoopster Joakim Noah emerged as the star of the NCAA championships. The 6-foot-11 sophomore with hair issues — raw, charismatic, flowing, athletic, emotional, unconventional and (lest we forget) triumphant — seemed, in an almost eerie sense, just like his French dad Yannick. Never mind that some wise guy suggested that if Yannick had hit his between-the-legs shots a bit harder, Joakim would never have happened. Rather, let us connect the dots. Not only are father and son world travelers and the products of biracial marriages, both have their signature shots (Yannick’s between-the-legs wonder and Joakim’s in-your-face blocks). Both embraced their father after their biggest triumph. Both love to party and are prone to provocative commentaries. Joakim defended his Afro-ponytail, claiming, “My hair gives me strength and power.” The duo both reference traditional African lore. When Yannick was plagued by a knee injury that just didn’t respond to conventional treatments, he went to an African witch doctor who healed the knee by beating it with a panther tail, while Joakim matter-of-factly assured us that Florida, of course, won the NCAA final against UCLA because his grandfather in the Cameroons had sacrificed a chicken before the game. Most importantly, Joakim poignantly noted that it could have been a big headache growing up in the shadow of a famous tennis star turned rocker. But his dad was a great guy who was his best friend.

DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD: When Jerry Magee reminded James Blake that he’d lost seven straight five-set matches (four of which he’d held two-set leads in), Blake asked, “You want to kick my dog, too, while you’re here?”...After Andy Roddick disposed of Simon Greul in Miami, Mary Carillo said, “He had to grub it out, do that whole alpha-dog thing, do some barking and growling. You want to see a little foam at the mouth”...After winning 23 straight points on his serve, Bob Bryan lost the first match point he had on his serve. He explained: “I took a little off on match point — threw them a bone”...Isn’t part of any trip to the Palm Desert area to play or watch tennis taking the time to make a pilgrimage to oh-so-swanky El Paseo Drive, where amidst all the upscale boutiques and cosmetic surgery parlors is that dog bakery where you can stock up on your supply of Basset Bones, Drooly Dream Bars and wheatless Pooch Pretzels?

CHE’S IN THE HOUSE: Just when you think you’re ensconced in an affluent, far-from-the-maddening-crowd enclave (still palms, distant slopes kissed with snow, lush gardens), a Chilean fan shows up wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt. Then again, they’re now selling such subversive apparel in Nordstrom.

HOW’S THIS FOR MOJO?: Roddick cracked a 135-mph second-serve winner.

FASTEST GUN IN THE WEST?: The USTA’s notoriously inflated speed gun at Davis Cup ties.

HAVE GUNS, WILL WIN: After once again giving the U.S. a Davis Cup lead on day two of the competition, IT asked the Bryan Bros. what it was like to be considered the reliable, go-to point for America’s team. Bob Bryan responded: “There’s no better feeling in the world. Andy and James feel like that point is in the bag. We’re like the hired gun.”

JUST AIN’T RIGHT: You pay well over $300 for Davis Cup tickets, and (after the Chileans throw in their scrub team against the Bryans) you get 62 minutes of dreary, lopsided dubs. By the way, Davis Cup parking ranged from $25 to $60. Tickets for the Russia-France Davis Cup tie were as cheap as $27.

MCENROE’S HAAGEN-DAZS DIET LIVES ON!: In the middle of the Davis Cup tie, America’s trainer got sick. Temporary team captain Dean Goldfine explained that the guy likes to skip breakfast and then come out and down sodas.

GO FIGURE: The relatively minor Baush & Lomb Women’s Championship is on ESPN2, while the Davis Cup is relegated to the Outdoor Life Network and the Tennis Channel and gets virtually no coverage on SportsCenter.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Dean Goldfine said being on the sidelines as America’s Davis Cup captain was like “sitting in an electric chair.”

JUST ANOTHER HACKER INFECTING THE WORLD WITH VIRUSES: The Florida Sun-Sentinel claimed that the underappreciated Nickolay Davydenko, “with his fair complexion, triangular face and thinning blond hair, looks like a computer hacker who gets caught sending viruses from his parents’ house.”

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A P-MAC MAKES: For decades, before Patrick McEnroe took over as Davis Cup captain, American players viewed playing Davis Cup as even less inviting then doing jury duty. The general attitude was “quick get me an excuse” in order not to play. Now there’s a be-there-or-be-square mind-set and players are competing big-time just to get on the team.

THE POWER OF INTENTION: Andy Roddick said, “I don’t care if I win another match this year as long as we can hold the [Davis Cup] trophy aloft.”

FASHION ANALYSES OF THE MONTH: Mary Carillo suggested that Roddick’s game is a little like his clothing. “It’s big and it’s loose and sometimes it’s a little awkward”... Dominik Hrbaty said people were more upset with his pink shirt with holes because of the color, not the holes.

CALLING ALL MAD SCIENTISTS: Land use requirements for the stadium court at the Nasdaq-100 Open prohibit any monuments to a person, so according to the Palm Beach Post, the only way to get around this rule to get the venue named after Andre Agassi would be to get a mad scientist to name a salamander after Agassi. (Of course, that should be no prob. Salamanders are known to be hairless and have great forehands.)

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL?: Vince Spadea slept through the burglary of his hotel room in Key Biscayne. The intruders made off with his laptop, iPod, a few CDs and the shoes he intended to wear at the Nasdaq-100. Said Spadea, “I swear I slept through the whole thing. I’m not making this up. I got up to go to the bathroom at 3:30 a.m. and decided to check my messages when I realized my computer wasn’t there. Then I felt this intense breeze come though the room. I had this eerie feeling throughout my body. I was thinking, ‘Am I sleepwalking or something?’”...Then, days later, Canadian Davis Cupper Peter Polansky fell three stories from his hotel while having a nightmare that a knife-wielding intruder was standing beside his bed. Polansky kicked out a window and crawled through shards of glass — all the while sleepwalking. Fortunately, Polansky landed in some shrubs, but cut his legs severely, requiring five hours of surgery and 400 stitches...In ‘96, Goran Ivanisevic became the first Croat to reach the Key Biscayne final, but woke up with a stiff neck the morning of the final. Not surprisingly, Goran’s advice for Ivan Ljubicic, the next Croat to get to the final, was to “sleep on the same pillow he’d been using all week and don’t
open the windows.”

GO TO BED, MARTINA, IT’S PAST YOUR BEDTIME: Martina Hingis noted she’s now trying “to do everything possible not to get any injuries. Be more disciplined. Go to bed early — which is what I was fighting with my mom about all the time before.”

WHAT COLUMBUS, NEIL ARMSTRONG AND JAMEA JACKSON HAVE IN COMMON: Jamea Jackson was the first to use the new line-calling challenge system. She confided that she did it just to be first. Then again, maybe it’s just right that the daughter of a former NFLer (Saints, Lions and Falcons cornerback Ernest Jackson) issued the first call for a replay.

ORDERING A LA CARTE?: You have to love Aussie Bernard Tomic, who just signed with IMG. The 13-year-old said, “I want the serve of Goran Ivanisevic, the heart of Lleyton Hewitt, the mind of Sampras and the groundstrokes of Federer.”

WHAT IF?: If nations were ranked on how inspired the names of their players were, Zimbabwe would be No. 1. Simba Happy and Genius Chidzikwe are two of its top players...What if Safin had the professionalism of Federer?...What if Elena Dementieva had the serve of Davenport?...What if Davenport had Clijsters’ wheels?...What if Serena had Justine Henin-Hardenne’s drive?...What if Amelie Mauresmo had Sharapova’s killer instinct?

WHERE ART THOU, JENNIFER?: Jennifer (remember her?) Capriati sadly has long been off the tour due to four (count ‘em) surgeries: two on her wrist and two on her shoulder. She recently said, “I can’t say one way or the other, but I’m not retired by all means.” Now 30, she confided it broke her heart that she’s been off the tour and hopes to return. “I’m definitely eager [to return]. At first, I thought, okay, I’ll take a little break and come back rejuvenated, but this has been a little too long. I guess the answer will just come. I have to use positive thinking and try to believe I can come back someday. Look at Lance Armstrong and Andre, they made comebacks. I’m still young, and I won’t give up.”

BEST POST-AUSTRALIAN OPEN JUSTINE HENIN-HARDENNE COMMENTARY: Charles Elmore claimed that when Justine Henin-Hardenne (who pulled out of the Aussie Open final because of a queasy stomach) is on a roll, “the whole field feels queasy.”

WORDS FOR A KILLER: Serena addressed Crips gang member Robert Maxfield — the man who killed her half sister — as he was sentenced to 15 years for Yetunda Price’s ‘03 shooting death. Said Williams, “I wasn’t going to speak today because it’s too hard for me to talk...But [I wanted to let you] know that this was unfair to our family, and our family has always been positive, and we always try to help people.”

LEST WE FORGET: Hingis and Blake were non-factors a year ago. So can we fantasize that Jennifer, Serena, Venus and even Monica will be back in the mix down the line?

SAY IT ISN’T SO: Tomas Zib lost his 17th straight match and has Vince Spadea’s record of 21 straight losses in sight...Jill Craybas was the last American woman in the Nasdaq-100.

HOW FAR DOES YOUNG HAVE TO GO?: In what was called a 48-minute torture session, Argentina’s Carlos Berlocq beat Donald Young 6-0, 6-0 at Key Biscayne, then James Blake beat Berlocq 6-0, 6-0. Young, who won the ‘06 Aussie Open junior title is 0-9 on the ATP circuit this year.

NEVER MIND: In November, the outraged organizers of the ATP year-end championships in Shanghai were in meltdown mode when five of the top eight players pulled out. In April, they extended their commitment for the tourney from three to four years, through 2008. (Psst! Guess where the Olympics are in ‘08.)

LIGHT LUMINOSITY AND SOUND: An exhibition on post-Franco Spanish architecture at New York’s Museum of Modern Art includes a segment on Dominique Perrault’s design for a new tennis center along Madrid’s Manzanares River. The design features three show courts on stout columns above a small lake which in turn reflects the cutting-edge structures. Each of the stadiums has its own lid and uses a “stadium typology with an unusual subtractive strategy, an organizing principle which places an emphasis on the intangible: light luminosity and sound.”

QUOTE OF THE MONTH: After Chile’s Davis Cup captain Hans Gildemeister moaned and whined incessantly during his opening match, James Blake said, “I’ve had girlfriends that complained a lot, but he took it to a whole new level.”

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