‘Twas Only A Matter Of Time: Serena announced she wanted to be on American Idol.

Attention Homeland Security I: What would be the security ramifications if the U.S. Davis Cup team draws Pakistan for an away match for the relegation round in late September.

Attention Homeland Security II: After Ivan Ljubicic beat Vince Spadea in Key Biscayne, adding yet another American scalp to his bountiful collection (he already has Davis Cup wins over Agassi, Roddick, Mardy Fish, James Blake and the Bryan Bros.), Bud Collins finally put forward the question that should have been asked long ago: “Who issued this guy a visa?”

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Hey Joe, There’s A Naked Frenchman In My Locker: France’s Micheal Llodra — who once accidentally killed a bird during a match and celebrated winning the Aussie Open dubs championships by stripping down to his jock—managed to break into the Key Biscayne locker of the streaking Llubijic, scattered his stuff on the floor and clamored naked into the small locker. When the stunned Croat appeared, Llodra explained, “I’m trying to get positive energy from you. You’re winning a lot of matches this year.”

Go Figure: Going into the final weekend at Indian Wells, the spotlight was on the charismatic stars Agassi and Sharapova. So, what were the odds that, between them, they wouldn’t win a single game. Agassi pulled out with a sore toe and Sharapova was double bagled by Davenport.

Profound Investigative Journalism: According to IT sources, Agassi’s injured toe, which caused his pull out, came while running around with his kids. The setback brings to mind assorted other fluke tennis injuries like Helen Wills having her career ended when she was bitten on her hand by a German Shepard; Maureen Connolly’s career-ending fall from a horse; Dave Wheaton skateboarding into a glass door on the Stanford campus, Yvgeny Kalfelnikov breaking his wrist after hitting a punching bag; Navratilova being scratched by a cat; Thomas Muster being hit by a car in a Flordia parking lot, Pam Shriver breaking her toe after kicking a net; Goran Ivenisevic stepping on a shell.

We Tease Because We Love: The Miami Herald paid homage to Agassi’s distinctive (John Wayne Imitating A Duck) walk by stating, “Here’s to his strut. Here’s to his waddle. Here’s to the odd, quick gait — strut and waddle somehow morphing into whatever it is (struddle?) — that has taken Agassi, thank the tennis gods, onto the sport’s most dangerous courts and into it’s most dangerous competitions.”

Shame!: Dave Hyde noted, “Roger Federer should be embarrassed at being the No. 1 player. Just look at him. He has no agent, no publicist, no security guard, not even a coach for the TV cameras to focus on. His entire entourage typically consists of two people — his girlfriend and trainer. That’s it. You call this the world’s top tennis player?”

Seles Updated: Monica Seles, who hasn’t played for nearly two years, refuses surgery and is still hoping her feet heal so that she’ll be able to give it one more go at age 31. According to her friend Mary Jo Fernandez, she “looks great, and is very happy.”

Yes Virginia, There’s Hope For This Universe: USTA President Franklin Johnson reflected on the group’s significant resources, telling The L.A. Times, “We can see the logic in investing in our sport. Not just the stock market.”

Headlines of The Month: “Earth to Clijsters: Comebacks Are Supposed To Be Tough” … “Agassi Swept Away By Perfect Storm.”

Analysis of the Month: After Federer scored his stunning comeback from two sets down to win the NASDAQ over Rafael Nadal, Pat McEnroe muttered “TMG” (too much game.)

Blonde Bombshell Sports Analyst Of The Month: Mary Carillo, while musing on Federer, recalled that Marilyn Monroe said Joe DiMaggio “had a suffering in himself that made him quiet in his core.”

A Curious Claim: Jon Wertheim suggested that the WTA signed up Bath & Beyond as a sponsor so players will never again have to steal those Wimbledon locker room towels.

	getty images
		Yannick Noah (pictured), Chris Evert, Boris Becker and Vijay Amritraj were just a few of the many players the late John Paul II (a former Polish table tennis champion) blessed over the years.

Don’t Rain On Rainer’s Parade: Barry MacKay is fond of telling the story of how he and legendary S.F. columnist Herb Caen were invited to play with Prince Rainer in Monaco. Unfortunately on the first shot of the match Caen (who was unaware of the unwritten protocols of the game) hit a passing shot right passed the stunned Prince.

What Do Arthur Ashe, Track Icon Florence Joyner, Coach Vince Lombardi And Physicist Stephen Hawking Have In Common?: All are featured on an e-trade ad spot which celebrates individual excellence.

Everybody Must Get Stones: Guillermo Coria, who had to withdraw from the ’04 NASDAQ final, recalled that “apart from problems I had — I had little stones in my kidneys — I have good memories of this tournament.”

To Each His Own: Last month, an IT feature claimed Graf was the best player ever. Of course, Frank DeFord recently said she was the most overrated player in tennis history.

That’s A Definite ‘Yes,’ Maybe: Highly hyped Donald Young, 15, after losing in the first round of the NASDAQ said, “I’m getting a little more confident, I guess.”

When In Doubt — Duck: After Young lost all of his four tour matches this year, his mother Ilona told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, ”Donald doesn’t have to get his nose bloodied. He can learn to avoid the punch.”

The Big Three: Although Americans Davenport and Capriati didn’t play the NASDAQ, this year’s tournament was really the first time that the three big national forces in tennis have been together in a tournament: Belgium, with Justine Henin-Hardenne and eventual winner Clijsters; Russia with much of their usual army and the U.S. with Serena and Venus.

Phantom Four: For years fans relished the Fabulous Four — Sampras, Agassi, Courier, and Chang. Again, fans are hoping for a legitimate Fabulous Four rivalry between Federer, Safin, Hewitt, and Roddick. But as Federer dominates and the others falter, at least for now, it’s more of a Phantom Four.

No Kidding:
• Linda Robertson noted “Sharapova will share her sunscreen with you off the court, but on it she will burn you.”
• Federer confided, “I look at any draw now and I am not afraid of anybody.”
• When asked what it was like to return to play the regular ATP circuit after slumming it at the “04 Athens Olympics, Roddick confided, “It was nice to get back to my usual spoiled existence.”

Being No. 3 In The World Ain’t So Bad: Roddick, who hasn’t beaten Federer in 20 months, put his struggle in perspective, saying “you can’t become obsessed with beating someone who is arguably the best that ever played. You have to focus on what you do best.”

Of Fight And Flight: Carillo said of the fiesty Sharapova, “You don’t have to convince Maria to fight.”…Sampras introduced his golfing buddy and confidante Tim Henman to the joys of Leer jet travel. Now Tim is initiating his new pal Federer into the affluent rite. The two flew together from California to Florida.

Dave Beats Goliath, Part 37,564: Despite a 17-inch height differential, Belgium’s 5-foot-5 Olivier Rochus beat 6-foot-10 Iva Karlovic 5-7, 7-6, 7-6 in Key Biscayne.

Catching Up With Charlie And Roger: Just after we went to press last month, Pacific Life Open tournament chiefs, Charlie Pasarell and Ray Moore made the following points:
•“Our goal is to be here for the next 30 years. We’re going to do everything we can to do that. You can print that in big, bold headlines.”
• Asked about the challenges facing tennis on a global scale, Pasarell said, “We’re absolutely the perfect example of what the solutions are.”
• After complaining about the coverage that the Pacific Life Open got in Sports Illustrated, Moore suggested, “They should change the title of the magazine to ‘Some Sports Illustrated.’” (Editor’s Note: Ironically, for the many years when the tournament was sponsored by Newsweek they didn’t get a heck of a lot of ink in that mag either.)

Roberto’s Venus Envy: Possible future baseball Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar, who just retired, was once engaged to Mary Pierce at the same time that Baltimore Oriole Brady Anderson dated Amanda Coetzer. Alomar once quipped, “How come our girlfriends can’t be Venus?”

The Reality Show That Was Waiting To Happen: Roddick’s TV résumé includes appearances on Saturday Night Live, The Weakest Link, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. McEnroe infamously crossed over to do two rather forgettable shows. Now, just after Wimbledon, Venus and Serena will launch their own ABC reality show. Will the show be another distraction that will diminish their careers? Maybe yes, but then again it seems that their careers are kind of reality shows to begin with.

What’S Wrong With This Picture?: Venus and Serena’s new book, Teen Self-Esteem, Venus and Serena: Serving from the Hip, is drawing praise. The book offers teens 10 rules to live by such as “Don’t rush a crush, why school is cool, love the skin you’re in, and be aware of dream stealers.” Too bad then that Serena was a no-show for a book signing in Miami that left some kids were left in tears.

Listen Up, There Was This War In ’67 When The Israelis Went Into Palestine And Soon After Decided To Build Some Villages Up Their, But Folks Didn’t Like It and Ever Since There’s Been This Nasty Spat: After beating Israeli Shahar Peer, who was reared in the West Bank, Serena was asked whether her birthplace of Compton or the problematic West Bank was a tougher place to grow up. Williams said she didn’t know, “I’m ignorant to the whole West Bank settlement of Israel. I’m American. Can you elaborate on that, please?”

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