Stroll Down
The Wild
And Wacky
Side Of The Line
By Bill Simons
They call it a gentle sport, a sophisticated endeavor, rich and refined. But, Lord knows, tennis has its wild, freeform side. On page 26 we present a rogues’ gallery of the game’s wildest characters. Below are some of the wackiest happenings that have
enlivened our sport.*
Wackiest Shot: Michael Chang used
an underhand serve to unravel the
prohibitively favored Ivan Lendl in the
‘89 French Open.
Wackiest Shot Analysis: Sue Mott said that “Francoise Durr’s serve meandered like a concussed bluebottle and sometimes seemed to travel in reverse.”
Wackiest Score: At the ’92 Easter Bowl, Michelle O lost to Meilen Tu “0 and 2”…
Wackiest Surface: Cow dung — a court which John Newcombe said “was not a bad surface, you just hope it doesn’t rain.”
Wackiest Idea (we adore): In ’99, USTA Board member Mike Mee noted that the USTA nets approximately $80 million a year and probably could be sold for 25 times that, or $2 billion. He added that the USTA could then issue a $4,000 check for each of its 500,000 members.
Wackiest Scientific Observation: Don Le Batard noted, “Chemistry is the second most overrated thing in sports. Agassi is the first.”
Wackiest (“The Gods Must Be Crazy”) Religious Claim: In his Hall of Fame acceptance speech McEnroe asserted, “God had an enjoyable time watching my tantrums.”
Wackiest Act Of Faith: Touring pros Jimmy Gurfein and Skip Strode threw Bibles, books and rackets out the window of a Nigerian hotel during a moment of religious ecstasy.
Wackiest Confrontation: The near-riotous Ilie Nastase vs. John McEnroe debacle at the ’79 U.S. Open.
Wackiest Happening: The Billie Jean vs. Bobby Riggs “Battle of the Sexes” at the Astrodome in’73, where, according to Curry Kirpatrick, “there were dancing girls by the thousands, handsome gladiators with no outerwear, nubile maidens with no underwear, aliens dressed up in tuxedos and local gentry dressed up as elephants.”
Wackiest Changeovers: Suzanne Lenglen sucked on brandy-soaked sugar cubes during changeovers; Jim Courier read during a changeover at the ATP Championships and at the ‘97 U.S. Open, an enraged Irina Spirlea charged into the proud, unflinching Venus Williams, creating “the bump” heard ’round the world.
Wackiest Stat: Capriati said, “you know” 47 times during a press conference at the 2000 French Open.
Wackiest Coach: In anticipation of a comeback in ‘91, Bjorn Borg called on professor Tia Honsai, a 79-year-old martial arts guru. Borg’s comeback was a bust.
Wackiest Frame: In ‘77, the spaghetti racket, which was partially strung with plastic tubing, was quickly banned.
Wackiest Fan: Super-groupie Jim Levee offered assorted players, including Graf and Seles, luxury watches and cars in exchange for some good vibes and good seats. “I don’t expect sex from my girls,” Levee explained. “I do expect a birthday card, a Christmas card, a phone call or two, a guest pass and a win.”
Wackiest (Semi-X-Rated) Commentary: At a ho-hum ‘02 tennis business conference in New York, the Tennis Channel’s Steve Bellamy complained, “This is like an insurance seminar. It’s dead in here. It feels like there’s a 40-story condom on this building.”
Wackiest Self-Analysis: After losing in the ’98 Wimbledon semis, Natasha Zvereva said, “I’m tired. I need a mental institution.”
Wackiest National Self-Analysis (Scandinavian Division): When Finn Veli Paloheimo was asked if he anticipated any problems with spectators when his country hosted Britain in the Davis Cup, he responded: “ Usually we have some problems with spectators. We don’t get any.”
Wackiest Crowd (International Division): Forget Italy. Think Brazil.
Wackiest Crowds (American Division):
A riot nearly broke out at the ’96 Atlanta Olympics when an Agassi doubles match was moved off the stadium court. When the angry fans prevailed, the L.A. Times’ Bill Dwyre noted, “The hooligans in designer Filas and Rolex watches ultimately got their way”… The University of Georgia’s barking Dog Pound emerges when the NCAA Championships are played in Athens.
Wackiest Remedies: Kevin Curren
contended that an A-bomb should be dropped on Flushing Meadows…Ted
Tinling proposed prohibiting left-handers from serving into the ad court.
Wackiest Questions: The still very young Jennifer Capriati (or was it her brother), when she first saw Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral, asked, “Where’s the football field?”
Wackiest Introduction: In Eastbourne in 2000, Navratilova was introduced as “Martini Navratilova.”
Wackiest Acceptance Speech: After accepting $26,240 from the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. for winning the Salem Hong Kong Open, Pat Cash said, “I would like to thank the sponsors. Even though I think it’s a disgrace to smoke cigarettes.”
Wackiest Response After Losing A Grand Slam Match: After losing in the ’91 U.S. Open, Sampras confided, “Maybe I can go back to my normal lifestyle now. I’m not the reigning U.S. Open champion anymore. The monkey is off my back.”
Wackiest Davis Cup Celebration: After France beat the U.S. in the Davis Cup Final in ‘91, the French team and friends lined up and did a conga dance that snaked throughout the arena.
Wackiest Celebration After Losing The Davis Cup Final: After France lost to Sweden in ’96, French captain Yannick Noah carried the triumphant Swede, Stefan Edberg, around the arena on his shoulders.
Wackiest Juxtaposition: Steffi Graf said, “I want to reach absolute perfection, and I think I can.” Arantxa Sanchez Vicario said, “I’ve realized my dream to become the No. 2 player in the world.”
Wackiest Calls From Fans: A fan during the ‘93 U.S. Open, which featured the less than famous Cedric Pioline, yelled out, “C’mon, what’s his name!” … Likewise during Paul Haarhuis’ famous ’91 U.S. Open match against Connors, a fan screamed, “C’mon, whore house!”… As Thomas Johanssen played his way to the ’02 Aussie Open title, Swedes chanted, “Keep working, Thomas, then you will get juices and sweet buns.”
Wackiest Doubles Commentary: While musing on the loss of Martina Navratilova’s dog, Scott Ostler wrote “Martina was beside herself, which come to think of it, would make a hell of a doubles team.”
Wackiest Sign In The Stands: In the 2000 Davis Cup against impoverished Zimbabwe, an American fan held up a sign that read “Hi Mom, send diesel.”
Wackiest Financial Impact: In ’98, after Monica Seles rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, the market plummeted 513 points — at that point, the second worst dive in history.
Wackiest Financial Dialogue: When it appeared, in ’89, that there would be three tournaments within six weeks in Germany worth $18 million, McEnroe said, “The money is almost disgusting. We’re in danger of turning into money whores.” Ivan Lendl countered, “Don’t spit at someone who’s trying to give you money.”
Wackiest Endorsement: Oil of Olay (which claims to diminish wrinkles in older women) paid teen Jennifer Capriati $6 million to endorse its products. Jen defended the deal, saying, “It’s never too early to start.”
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| Wackiest Covers: In ’72, Life magazine featured Alabama Governor George Wallace, then recovering from an assassination attempt, on court, in a wheel chair, and about to toss the ball up for a serve. (Okay, I guess it has it’s inspiring side.)… Tathiana Garvin, Francesca Lubinia, and Alice Canepa posed nude on the cover of Il Tennis Italiano magazine.
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Wackiest Dietary Commentary I: When a reporter suggested to Sampras “Some people are into awfully deep thinking about life. Have you ever thought about Asian philosophies?”
Pete quipped, “Oh gee — I do have Chinese now and again.”
Wackiest Dietary Commentary II: After being asked why he ate chicken 15 minutes before a match, Alberto Berasategui explained, “Did you ever see how fast chickens run?”
Wackiest Photo On The Fridge: To inspire Brooke Shields to
lose weight, Agassi pinned a
picture of the svelte Steffi Graf
on their fridge.
Wackiest Commentary On Marital Bliss: Pam Shriver noted, “Some of Arantxa Sanchez Vicario’s rallies lasted longer than her marriage.”
Wackiest Punch: In ’95, Capriati threw a thundering right, intended for her boyfriend, who ducked. Unfortunately, the punch caught the eye of a Tampa nightclub waitress.
Wackiest Trio: Racquet magazine said Capriati, Walt Whitman and Ralph Lauren, “each in their quintessential fashion, define the American vision.”
Wackiest Reason Not To Go To School: Alexandra Stevenson said she didn’t want to go Stanford because “it’s too naturistic, has too many trees and too many kids in Birkenstocks who want to be doctors.”
Wackiest Time Warp: Serena claimed, “You have to take your time as quick as you can.”
Wackiest Commentaries By Time: Time mag claimed, “When Serena’s on, she’s unbeatable. When she’s not, the ball boys wear cups” … They also said Lleyton Hewitt was the “leading snit distributor in tennis.”
Wackiest Maytag Commentary: Bill Dwyre contended, “Hewitt has the game and persona of a washing machine.”
Wackiest Commentary On Change I: Former USTA President Harry Marmion said that making changes in the USTA was like “turning a battleship in a lagoon.”
Wackiest Commentary on Change II: In ’01, WTA critic Michael Mewshaw noted that “controlling fathers, abusive coaches, ineffectual tennis authorities, rampant tax evasions, sexually exploited teens, spoiled prima donnas, homophobia, eating disorders, cravenly cooperative TV networks, a docile press corps, these were the hallmarks of women’s tennis when in 1991 I wrote my expose Ladies of the Court. Things don’t seem to have changed a lot
since then.”
Wackiest Call From The Umpire’s Chair: Andrea Gaudenzi was being drubbed by Goran Ivanisevic when the umpire took a bathroom break. So Gaudenzi climbed into the umpire’s chair and announced, “Game, set, match, Gaudenzi.”
Wackiest Correction: Dutchmen Richard Krajicek admitted, “I may have been exaggerating a bit when I said that 80 percent of the top 100 women are lazy fat pigs. What I meant to say was that 75 of the top 100 are fat pigs.”
Wackiest Ball Person Tradition: Years ago Spanish ball boys struck to get better working conditions…Last year, the Madrid tournament hired supermodels for the task.
Wackiest Travel Commentary: Venus noted, “In first class, everybody has their business papers. If you can lean over, you probably can learn to make some money. In [coach], if you don’t watch it, they’ll steal your wallet.”
Wackiest Rewrite Of USTA History:
In ‘94, the USTA re-edited its Yearbook, removing any reference to Dennis
Ralston as captain of the ‘72 Davis
Cup squad, and gave the title to two past USTA presidents. Ralston successfully sued.
Wackiest Take On Military History: After Russia beat Germany in the ’96 Davis Cup, Mark Winters noted, “The loss leaves the Germans 0-3 against Russia in their last three competitions (the last two Davis Cups and World War II).”
Wackiest Homeland Security Commentary: On the eve of McEnroe playing at Buckingham Palace, the BBC suggested, “Old terrorists always end up having tea with the queen.”
Wackiest Tournament Titles:
In ’86, when John Light and Ken Beer reached the finals of a local 75s tournament, it was renamed the “Light Beer Open”… Sally Jenkins dubbed Boca Raton’s tournament in ’90 “The Virginia Slims of Capriati” because there was so much brouhaha relating to Jen’s tournament debut.
Wackiest Commentary On A Legendary Criminal: Dennis Miller claimed authorities were “hunting for legendary fugitive D.B. Cooper in Sampras’
chest hairs.”
Wackiest Retirement Plan: Asked what he would do after his retirement, Ivan Lendl said, “Become a German Shepard, or a journalist, if I want to be mean to
myself.”
Wackiest Excuse: After his defeat by fellow Zambian Musumba Bwayla, Lighton Mdewayl said, “Musumba Bwayla is a stupid man and he’s a hopeless player. He has a huge nose and is cross-eyed. Girls hate him. He beat me because my jock strap was too tight and because when he serves, he farts, and that made me lose my concentration for which I am famous for throughout Zambia.”
* This collection does not include items primarily linked to Wimbledon, the world’s wackiest tournament. We’ll
deal with that later.
© 2005
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