MOST DISAPPOINTING DAVIS CUP COMEBACK: Andre Agassi. BEST COMEBACK IN TENNIS HISTORY THAT NEVER REALLY HAPPENED: Bjorn Borg. THE TENNIS COMEBACK THAT KEEPS ON COMING: Martina Navratilova. BEST MALE COMEBACKS (OPEN ERA): Connors, Agassi, Thomas Muster, Goran Ivanisevic. BEST FEMALE COMEBACKS: Capriati after her coming of age probs; Seles after her stabbing and Davenport after her injury, and Jana Novotna. BEST COMEBACKS (MATERNAL DIVISION): Aussie Evonne Goolagong won Wimbledon in ‘71 and then came back to win again in ‘80, after her daughter Kelly was born. Some Comebacks You Just Ain’t Gonna See: Kournikova back on the tour; the Williamses in Indian Wells; wooden rackets. Comebacks (In our Dreams) We’d Like To See: Seles, Rafter and Hingis. Comeback We Can’t Wait To See: Graf playing World TeamTennis this summer.

And Now For Your Entertainment And Pleasure, The First Sentence Ever To Include Both Jack Kramer and Che Guevara: When Jack Kramer told the L.A. Times, “After all this time, I now realize that golf is the ultimate sport,” Jon Wertheim responded, “That one hurts. It’s like hearing Che Guevara trumpeting the virtues of the investment banking profession.”

Doesn’t Hurt To Try: After a discussion on how Lindsay Davenport could become the third fastest player to win $20 million, a reporter asked her, “Are you considering a contribution to the Sportswriters Benevolent Society?”

Media Moments: A journalist asked Pat McEnroe if there would be enough on-air oxygen for the talkative John McEnroe and Brad Gilbert to both be on ESPN’s telecast...A reporter asked Ivan Ljubicic, “So, are you getting to feel you can’t lose to Americans?”...Just before the Davis Cup began, Brit Chris Bowers asked Agassi, “Andre, you always used to get a bit irritated with having to play dead rubbers [meaningless matches once the Davis Cup has been decided]. Have you agreed to play them if necessary, or can we look forward to the re-launch of Bob Bryan’s singles career?” In fact, Bryan did play the fifth and meaningless match of the Davis Cup, beating Roko Karanusic in three sets...A writer asked, “Do you think it takes a particular type of brain to enjoy clay [court tennis] more than a hard surface?”

BUT DON’T TELL THE CROATIAN BOARD OF TOURISM: Asked why little Croatia, population 4.4 million, does so well in so many sports, Ivan Ljubicic noted that not only are Croats big (the second tallest in the world after the Dutch), but ”it’s not like there’s a lot to do in Croatia. You have to play something.”

I’M INSANE, YOU’RE INSANE: Croatia’s coach Nikki Pilic asserted, “In Davis Cup, it’s a little more accepted to lose your mind.”

The Healing Power of Sport: After his devastating loss in the Davis Cup, Roddick confided that playing his matches in Indian Wells is “almost like rehab.”

A Gory Confession: Serena claimed she lost last year’s French Open “by pretty much suicide.”

Fierce Competitive Fire Within The Elite Athlete: Maria Sharapova can’t wait for her perfume, modestly named “Maria Sharapova,” to take on Gabriela Sabatini’s fragrance, which is a hit in Europe. Maria quipped, “Let the rivalry begin!”

Questions: Has Agassi played his last Davis Cup tie?...Has Serena played her last Indian Wells match?...If, after many years, Martina Navratilova could go back to Czechoslovakia and have a good ol’ time, why can’t Serena and the Indian Wells folks figure a way to get her back to the desert?...Was Ljubicic’s three-day, three-match run through Agassi, the Bryan Bros. and Roddick the most stunning Davis Cup performance since Sampras almost single-handedly won the Davis Cup against Russia in’95?... Of the top 20 men of all time, does Agassi have the least adept volley?

Humanitarian of the Month: Explaining why she won’t play the Canadian Open this year, Serena said, “I’ve had bad luck around that time of year and I refuse to put my fans through that again.”

‘I Have To Focus On Me’: Some wonder if Sharapova gets under Serena’s skin. So, on a teleconference, after Williams gave a testy answer about her rivalry with Sharapova (who beat her at Wimbledon and the WTA Championships), a reporter followed up, wondering whether Serena might get irritated by questions about Maria. Williams responded, “I think you’re fabricating...[what] you guys don’t realize is that I have a fashion company. I just walked into my office. I’m working on a really intense line for the fall. I’m an actress. I’m working on an animation series,[and a] different reality series. I’m working on so much stuff that I don’t really think about other people, because I really have to focus on me...I don’t have time. If I did, I would go nuts. So like right now I actually have to go, because I have to get my line together...So on that note I have to get this line out.”...Click.

FIRST THE GOOD NEWS: The total attendance of 31,495 at the Pacific Life Open on March 12 set a single day attendance record. Unfortunately, earlier that morning the L.A Times reported that the tournament could be sold in a couple of years.

And Now Another FrontLine Report From The Fast-Lane, Romantic World of the WTA Tour: Evgenia Linetskaya said she would celebrate her breakthrough win over Mauresmo by going to bed early.

Not Exactly Your Typical Tennis Dad from Hell: Linetskaya’s father is a former physicist and mathematician with a black belt in karate. So it’s no wonder she likes Tolstoy and escapes into the forests beyond Moscow to write poetry.

FATHER KNOWS BEST: Just how important is Goran Ivanisevic in Croatian tennis? His father, who has a heart condition, sat on Croatia’s player bench. (Somehow we can’t imagine that Gloria Connors or Sam Sampras will soon be sitting amongst the players on the American bench.)...After noting that Agassi brought his three-year-old son Jaden into his post-match press conference, writer Jim Alexander observed that “not many players enter the interview room carrying a “blankie” and a sippy cup.

THE CLASSIEST MAN IN SPORTS? Agassi recently melted down at the SAP Open in San Jose, offering some pretty good rants about supposedly inadequate tennis balls. And his on-court return to play at the Davis Cup fizzled when he lost to Ljubicic. But off-court, he was an inspiration. Before play began, he drew the Davis Cup team together during long dinners where he captivated his younger teammates with compelling tales. Then, after he lost to Ljubicic, he apologized to his teammates. Captain Pat McEnroe replied there was nothing to apologize for. Then, the next night, after the Bryans lost the doubles, Agassi highlighted a players-only dinner with a stirring “We’re all in this together” pep talk. Finally, after the Croats prevailed, Andre went into the visitors’ locker room and told the triumphant Croats that it was a pleasure watching the final Ljubicic-Roddick match. Ljubicic responded, “I really appreciate that from him and I think he’s great person. And he showed that, again, he’s just incredible.”

Watch Your Vibe, There’s A Flower Child In The Board Room: Raymond Moore, the President of PM Sports, which runs the Pacific Life Open, used to be into the teachings of the sublime Ojai-based spiritual teacher Krishnamurti.

IS THERE A PSYCHIC IN THE HOUSE? Marat Safin told the L.A. Times that winning the U.S. Open over Sampras was “such a special feeling. It’s like for the people to win an Oscar when they did a great movie. For example, if you ask Robert DeNiro or Marlon Brando — well, you can’t ask him, but — What was the experience when you did The Godfather?”

FLY IN THE OINTMENT: Writer Jerry McGee assessed the Lleyton Hewitt/Kim Clijsters duo as follows: “Fiery young chap from Australia. Pleasant young lass from Belgium. Lleyton and Kim, together in an off-the-court game of mixed doubles. Only Clijsters called a let.”

Sad but True: The wind was almost as fast as some women’s serves in the women’s draw at the Pacific Life Open.

Just Wondering: Among the major players of the recent decades which women have the weakest serve — Anna Kournikova, Francoise Durr, Gabriela Sabatini or Elena Dementieva?...How do you become a “nethead” (i.e., an official USTA fan)?

TRENDING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION: Going into the Davis Cup match against Croatia, the Bryan Bros. had never lost a set. Then they lost three in a row...The loss to Croatia was America’s third first-round loss in five years, and the first time they’d lost a first-round home tie the 105 years of Davis Cup play...Roddick’s loss to Ljubicic was his first Davis Cup loss on hard courts.

Trending In the Right Direction: Elena Dementieva’s more than problematic serve has improved dramatically. She actually blasted one at 110 mph...All top ten ATP tour players participated in an “ATP All-Star Rally for Relief” to benefit tsunami victims.

A NEW CENTER OF THE TENNIS UNIVERSE? Last year, Russian women culminated their rise to the top by winning three of the four Grand Slams, plus the Fed Cup. Then Russian Marat Safin won the Aussie Open, and now Croatia has humbled America. It looks like they’re playing some pretty good ball in Eastern Europe.

Six-Love: Ivan Ljubicic, incredibly, has a 6-0 record against Americans in Davis Cup...Ljubicic saved six set points during his Davis Cup matches...Nicolas Kiefer’s 6-0,6-0 win over Sargis Sargsian was the first double bagel at the Pacific Life Open since ‘83.

I DON’T THINK SO: In Ljubicic’s triumphant Davis Cup match against Roddick, a fan yelled to Ljubicic, “Gorin would have given him a better match.”

KING OF DA NILE: After the Bryan Bros. lost and America was down 2-1, U.S. Davis Cup Captain Pat McEnroe said, “Now the pressure’s on the Croatians.”

Thank Goodness For Lance Armstrong: Davis Cup isn’t the only international competition the U.S. has faltered in recently (think Ryder Cup, Olympic basketball and baseball and, of course, Little League baseball).

NO KIDDING: After reporters noted that America’s Davis Cup players were kicking butt at the Pacific Life Open, both Agassi and Roddick said, “Too bad it didn’t happen last week [against Croatia].

SHOT SPOTTED: Look for World TeamTennis to introduce instant replay this summer.

WHEN WILL WE EVER LEARN: In ‘92 the U.S. chose to play its home Davis Cup match against Sweden in Minneapolis, long a hub for Scandinavian immigrants. This year, we chose to play against Croatia in Carson. Nearby San Pedro is home to 34,000 Croatian immigrants.

Go Figure: There were as many American Davis Cup TV commentators (John McEnroe, Cliff Drysdale, Brad Gilbert and Luke Jensen) as their were American participants (Roddick, Agassi and the Bryan Bros)...Just 12 years ago, Davis Cup star Ivan Ljubicic was hunkered down in a boat headed to Italy as he successfully fled war-torn Bosnia.

GERMAN TENNIS TRIVIA QUESTION OF THE MONTH: What do American Bill Tilden and Yugoslavian native Nikki Pilic have in common? Both coached the German Davis Cup team.

Since No One Else Is Doing It, Let’s Talk Pucks: SAP Open tournament director Bill Rapp noted that with the hockey season in tatters, “tennis became the most important event in San Jose’s HP Pavilion. “So the owner [of both the Sharks and the SAP Open] was calling me two times a day.”...Hockey writers were suddenly appearing in the warm and lovely environs of the Pacific Life Open...Safin was asked if the fierce Russian-Finnish hockey rivalry had any effect on his match with Jakob Nieminen. (He said no way.)

You Know It’s Been A Wretched Tennis Day When...: A reporter, while on his press room phone, asked his wife, “How can you be bored? You’re not here.”

No Kidding: Taylor Dent, like his fellow young Americans Mardy Fish, Robby Ginepri and James Blake, is having one heck of a time trying to break away from the pack. But not to worry. Dent simply noted that “the American public definitely wants their players to be in the top one.”

Bud’s Better: Journalist Bud Collins is recovering well after a pacemaker was inserted into his chest.

Sound Machine: Sorry Serena, Sharapova has the most piercing grunt since Seles.

NO, YOU GO HOME, YOU CALLOUS, MEAN-SPIRITED INSULT TO THE AMERICAN SPORTS FAN: After Andre Agassi was aced during the Davis Cup, a callous fan yelled out, “Go home, Steffi.”

Now Let Us Ask The Eternal Question, Why Pasta? The Desert Entertainer’s correspondent began his profile of Federer by recalling, “Last year, just hours before Federer won the final, I sat next to him during the lunch at the Indian Wells Tennis Garden. He ate pasta. I was wondering, why pasta?”

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