NOW WE KNOW: Refelection on Yuri Sharapova's mindset after his daughter Maria was drubbed in the Aussie Open Final, Chris Fowler quipped, "That's why they invented Stolichnaya—for nights like this."

OUCH! THAT ONE REALLY HURTS: After globe-trotting Martina Hingis was asked about her romance with the Czech player Radek Stepanek, she proclaimed, “Who else am I going to date, a journalist?”

THE GREATEST UNDERSTATEMENT IN THE HISTORY OF TENNIS: Jon Wertheim said Federer “really has the hang of tennis.”

NOT ANYMORE: Donald Trump once told IT that Serena was intimidated by Sharapova’s supermodel good looks.

POP PSYCH THEORY OF THE MONTH: After noting how much Australian women glom onto their boyfriends, Peter Bodo contended, “In a vast, stark and sometimes desolate land, you hold onto your man once you get one.”

‘THE OPERATION WAS A SUCCESS, BUT THE PATIENT DIED’ COMMENTARY OF THE MONTH: After his loss in Melbourne, Andy Roddick noted, “It was miserable; it sucked; it was terrible. Besides that, it was fine.”

AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH: Serena said she was “a dangerous floatie.”

THE MAGNIFICENT MURMUR: Is there any more astounding sound in tennis than the stunned hum of the Australian Open crowd after yet another display of Rogerian brilliance?

JUST WONDERING: Is Federer more like Aussie Lew Hoad (who astounded the relatively few who saw him with his balance, speed and explosive shot-making) than any other player?...Now that Sampras has announced he’ll briefly appear on the senior circuit, how long will it be before Agassi enters the fray?...Can James Blake win a Grand Slam?...Is Hawk-Eye making umps too timid?... Does Serena’s mercurial return reveal a lack of depth in women’s tennis?...To what degree is Federer’s imposing all-court style forcing the tour’s other top players to retool their games?

POP QUIZ—IN ONE BREATHLESS, RATHER WRETCHED SENTENCE (OR LESS), TELL US WHY YOU THINK THE CURRENT HAWK-EYE/INSTANT RE-PLAY RULES ARE JUST DANDY THE WAY THEY ARE: Every sport values as many nuances and dramatic elements as possible and tennis (which has none of the dominance of pro football, the lore of baseball, the “madness” of March basketball or the varying appeal of pro golf courses) has now at least come upon a nice new wrinkle (Hawk-Eye), but there are some who would like tennis to become the only American sport in which all the decisions are reviewed electronically, which would eliminate all the human drama and decision-making that the current rule (which allows for two player challenges) brings into play.

MOST RIDICULOUS CONTROVERSY OF THE CENTURY: Aussie TV, American newsletters and others accused Zane Haupt, an anonymous fan and pal of Serena, who was sitting in her Friends Box, of using a watch to reflect sunlight into Nicole Vaidisova’s eyes. But neither Nicole nor Serena saw anything. Still, the fault-finding questions (and accusations of stonewalling) lasted for a couple of days.

INTRO TO GOOD DECISION MAKING 101: Asked about Federer, Agassi noted that tennis is all about not making bad decisions “and Federer hasn’t made any yet.”

INTRO TO BAD DECISION MAKING 101: Former Aussie dubs whiz Todd Woodbridge zapped the problem-solving of Lleyton Hewitt: “[He’s] got to realize that he’s 26, and he’s got to make some decisions by himself and not rely so heavily on the family. He’s got his own wife and child, and he’s got to start doing some of these things himself. You become an adult at some stage…He doesn’t make a lot of his own decisions. They are made by other people for him and… you just can’t have all this stuff going on in your life of sacking managers, coaches walking out, lawsuits here and lawsuits there and really have enough energy left to focus on playing.” Hewitt simply responded to Woodbridges blast, saying, “That’s a big call by Todd.”

MOST SHOCKING ANALYSIS OF THE MONTH: After beating Roddick, Federer confided, “I had one of these days when everything just worked; I was unbeatable. It’s just unreal. I was playing out of my mind. I am shocked myself.”

THE BEST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF TENNIS: It’s nuts to try and imagine what’s been the best game in tennis history. For starters, hard-serving Sampras and Goran Ivanisevic have won countless games at Wimbledon in less than 50 seconds. But our nominee (this month) was an astounding game early in the second set of the Aussie Open (Federer vs. Roddick) semi that Roger won at love. His dream game included an inspired running half-volley winner from the baseline that actually drew a self-deprecating Fed apology, followed by a stunning running down-the-line backhand pass and a laser-shot, crosscourt forehand, which served as a kind of in-your-face exclamation point.

THE VARIETIES OF ATP WINNING: Sampras would often win big matches by building on a single break of serve. Agassi wore down his foes with his relentless groundies and dune-runner tough conditioning. Federer wins in many ways: by breaking down his foes’ greatest strengths (think Roddick’s serve or Gonzales’ forehand); by hitting the accelerator after winning tight opening sets or (a la Agassi) by wearing down foes.

I WENT TO A TENNIS MATCH AND A SOCCER GAME BROKE OUT: The Aussie Open is the fan friendly, feel good major — right? But on opening day, tennis got a taste of the hooliganism usually reserved for the soccer pitch when groups of Serbian and Greek fans clashed with Croats in Melbourne Park. The Serb/Greek contingent chanted, “Kill Croatians.” Several men were left bleeding. “We hate those Croatian[s],” Serb Novica Zivak said. When the Croatian fans let off flares, police rushed in to quell the unrest.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE: Sports Illustrated noted, now that the U.N. has named Maria Sharapova a Goodwill Ambassador, there will at last be a U.N. diplomat who New Yorkers won’t mind double-parking all over town.

ROGER’S A PRETTY DECENT PLAYER, BUT THERE ARE QUESTIONS, TOO:
1. Can he win the French Open?
2. Can he win the calendar yearGrand Slam?
3. Can (or let’s say when will) he beat Sampras’ record of 14 majors?
4. Can he even reach Margaret Court’s women’s record of 23 slams?
5. Just how much better can he get?
6. Is he the best player ever?

GO FIGURE: Sampras, Agassi and Blake all think Federer will win 17 or 18 Grand Slams…Just a few years ago—as Aussie Lleyton Hewitt’s main squeeze—loveable Kimmy Clijsters was adopted by Australia as their First Lady of tennis. This year, she was roundly hooted by Australian Serbs during the Sydney final against Jelena Jankovic…Federer looks graceful even when he’s hitting a volley winner just to protect his private parts…Camille Pin drew the No. 1 seed in both singles and doubles…Max Miryni reached the mixed and men’s Aussie Open dubs finals, but lost both.
WIMBLEDON DREAMIN’ ON A CLOUDY DAY: Sampras confessed to ESPN, “It [playing Wimbledon] has crossed my mind—I won’t lie to you. Nothing against Nadal, who is a tremendous athlete, but with that sort of [baseline] game, I’d be licking my chops to come in [to net] and use that grass to my advantage.”

CAUTION—HAWK-EYE MAY USHER IN A BRAVE NEW WORLD: On her hilarious blog, Alix Ramsey envisioned a Brave New World where Hawk-Eye ruled: “Gentlemen, imagine yourselves in a life governed entirely by computers. It is 11pm and you are not at home. You call your good wife to explain that you are still at the office. The end-of-month reports have to be in first thing in the morning. Peabody from accounts—lazy so-and-so—was late coming up with the figures and someone has to stay behind to clear up the mess. You know how it is.
“‘Challenge!’ says the wife from the other end of the telephone line.
“Lowered from the heavens comes the giant video screen revealing you in a bar of ill repute, drink in hand and with a lady of voluptuous proportions and unfeasibly tight attire draped over one arm. *Ahem* Get out of that one, lads.
“Ladies, don’t think you will be immune from the all-seeing Hawk-Eye. You sit in the big job interview, proffering your resume, a stunning document outlining your educational achievements (MBA from Harvard, PhD in nuclear physics from Oxford, doctorate in philosophy from the Sorbonne), and explaining your professional experience: a lifetime of working in the retail arm of a multinational corporation with particular responsibility for customer care and quality control.
“‘Challenge!’ chips in your interviewer.
“Again, the giant screen is lowered…Up flashes footage of you doing the graveyard shift at Macca’s. ‘What’s that, love? You want two Big Macs, one supersize Coke and extra salt on them fries.’”

LET THE CARD GAMES BEGIN: While commentating on Serena’s dynamic run, Mary Carillo quipped, “I can’t help but think Venus is watching this and thinking, ‘You know what, deal me in.’”…Poker whiz James Blake said the best way to separate Roddick from his poker chips was to “get him to get a pretty good hand…Sometimes he will overrate it just a bit…He’s liable to make a play at a mediocre hand sometimes.”

OUR FAVORITE SIGNS:
“Our Dishes Are Dirty, Too, Kim” — Fans pleading with Clijsters not to retire to the joys of domesticity
“Quiet: Genius at Work” — Seen at Federer matches

HEADLINES:
Taut Mauresmo Folds to the Fizz of Unheralded Czech Teen
Gasquet Strikes to Quell Gael-Storm
Williams’ Eight Major Titles: The Only Figure That Counts

WE’RE NO. 9: According to a recent study, the ninth most popular sports cliché used in business is: “The ball is in your court.” The most popular?: “He’s a team player.”

A GIRL NAMED MARIA (AND WE DON’T MEAN SHARAPOVA): While deep into a wonkish discussion on health care with TV’s Charlie Rose, Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy commented on the health-care initiative of his niece’s Republican husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and then added that he rarely sees the California governor and then only at his home in Hyannis Port on opposite sides of the tennis court. Kennedy then reported that he wins, but only if Schwarzenegger’s wife, Maria Shriver, is on his side of the court.

HER SERVE MAY HAVE FALTERED, BUT NOT HER WIT: After Sharapova was drubbed in the Aussie final, the poohbah running the awards ceremony gingerly asked her to “say a few words.” Maria promptly replied, “I hope [there will be] a few more [words] than the games [I just won].”

FASHION FOIBLES: Paul Wolfowitz is not alone. The World Bank prez may have been embarrassed by his toe-revealing socks while visiting a Turkish mosque, but tennis had a holey moment too when young American hotshot Sam Querrey walked on court for his Aussie match against Augustin Calleri with a hole in his shoe. Querrey said it was no big deal and added that a bigger deal was I “forgot my pants”…Sports Illustrated noted that Federer “cruised to yet another Grand Slam title, failing to drop a solitary set, sweating so little that he could’ve gotten away with wearing the same shirt for all seven matches.”

DREAM WEAVER: After admitting he basically had no chance of beating Federer, Marat Safin thought again, saying, “But why not? We can all dream and the dreams are for free.

COACHES CORNER: The Aussie Open was the third Slam of the last five at which Sharapova was accused of being coached from her Friends Box. At the U.S. Open, the coaching stirred controversy (think “Bananagate”), but drew no warning or penalty. At the Aussie Open, there wasn’t much of an outcry, but she and her dad Yuri were fined $2,000 for his hand signals… Pam Shriver said that Yuri’s gestures to his daughter Maria Sharapova looked “like a catcher signaling to a pitcher”…ESPN noted, “The thought that Tony [Roche] would never come up with a signal for Roger is unthinkable.”…IT asked Kim Clijsters to respond to the comments made by Carlos Rodriguez, Justine Henin’s coach, who said that Kim was manipulative and two-faced. The Belgian confided, “It’s very hard and it shows he doesn’t know me at all. It’s very loathsome for him to say that [to the] press. If he has a problem with me, he should say something to me. I don’t hate anyone, but if it’s someone I don’t like, the last thing I would do is go to the press and say it publicly before I’d say it to the person’s face.”…Mary Carillo said that Connors’ impact “wasn’t [a matter of] the message, it was the messenger.”…Men’s tennis is crowded with compelling player/coach relationships (Federer/Roche, Roddick/Connors, Murray/Gilbert, Gonzalez/Stefanki, et al.), while in women’s tennis, Clijsters is coachless and Serena, Venus and Vaidisova are coached by a parent…Who has a harder time attracting and keeping coaches, Lleyton Hewitt or Raider Al Davis?...Three of California’s top coaches lead foreigners (Brad Gilbert/Scot Andy Murray; Larry Stefanki/Chilean Francisco Gonzalez; Jose Higueras/Israeli Shahar Peer)…After his pupil Andy Roddick was demolished by Federer, Connors gave his A-Rod a beer.

OUR FAVORITE TENNIS QUARTETS
1. The Grand Slam: Winning the four majors—the Grand Slam—is the greatest achievement any player can achieve. Only five have done it: Don Budge, Rod Laver, Maureen Connolly, Margaret Court and Steffi Graf.
2. The Four Musketeers: Our sport’s first notable quartet (Henri Cochet, Rene Lacoste, Jean Borotra and Jacques Brugnon were a jaunty Gaelic foursome that put tennis on the map in France and beyond.
3. The Fab Four: Rarely has a group—Sampras, Agassi, Courier and Chang—been so dominant or a tennis nation so blessed.
4. The “DC” Four: For the past five “DC” (Davis Cup) matches, U.S. Captain Pat McEnroe has assembled the same appealing ensemble: Roddick, Blake and Bob and Mike Bryan. So now many hope the happy quartet will transform their good chemistry.

QUOTEBOOK: “No s---” – Roddick, after being told that he did a better job in his post-match press conference than in his semifinal loss to Federer
“Oy vey.” – Pam Shriver’s commentary after Israeli Shahar Peer failed to hold serve to close out her quarterfinal against Serena
“I kept hearing Serena’s not in shape, but she was running corner to corner and hitting great shots…With her, you never know what to expect.” – Jelena Jankovic
“By her own admission, Serena might have a big caboose. But damn if she isn’t back to being the engine.” – Sports Illustrated
“Anyone who watched the Australian Open finals and didn’t get excited doesn’t have a pulse.” – William Rhoden
“At some point, we’re going to run into trouble. I’d hate to see someone go to the emergency room over a tennis match. We’re here for a tournament, not to see who can last longer in the heat.” – James Blake on the heat policy at the Aussie Open
“Don’t underestimate that Scotsman, but he doesn’t wear a kilt.” – Brad Gilbert
“Federer has too many shots in his body…It’s hardly fair that one person can do all this.” – Rod Laver
“Such magnificence and grace.” – Mary Carillo on Federer

 

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