DIRTIEST THOUGHT OF THE MONTH: Asked if he upchucked during his Davis Cup match due to nerves, Roddick quipped, “If I puked every time I was nervous, we’d have a lot of dirty courts.”

DANCING ON THE EDGE OF A VOLCANO: Reflecting on Venus, Mary Carillo noted, “This woman and her sister dance on the edge of a volcano more than any other champs I’ve watched.”

MUSIC APPRECIATION 101: Bud Collins wrote, “Hingis [gave] us Mozart among the Wagnerians”... Martin Johnson contended that when Federer was playing poorly, “it was like seeing Beethoven play at the neighborhood pub.”

JUST WONDERING: Is Roddick a one-Slam wonder?...How come there’s no rising young American gal, or for that matter, no fast-rising male teen?... How would you rank tennis’ most prominent rooting sections: Aussies, Croats, Greek/Cypriots, Blake’s J-Block and the Net-Heads? (Sorry, Roddick’s Bikini Brigade doesn’t make the cut)... Who was a worse sport — Nicolas Kiefer or Henin-Hardenne?...Will Baghdatis go on to a stellar career, or will he join the many Aussie Open finalists and champs (Petr Korda, Arnaud Clement, Rainer Schuettler and Thomas Johansson) who never became big names.

REMEMBERING ERIC THE EEL: After a Cypriot official said Baghdatis was the greatest athlete Cyprus ever produced, Martin Johnson countered, “This is like the Minister of Swimming for Equatorial Guinea bestowing the same accolade on Eric the Eel, who almost drowned at the Sydney Olympics five years ago.”

THE AUSSIE OPEN’S TOP 10 STORIES:
10. Too Many No Shows (Agassi, Nadal, Safin).
9. Teen Angst: Hot teen Rafael Nadal, Andy Murray, Richard Gasquet and Gael Monfils all crashed out early or did not play.
8. Zi Yan and Jie Zheng win the women’s dubs to claim China’s first Grand Slam title ever.
7. Bryans Blast: The Bros. reach their fifth straight Slam final and notch their second straight title.
6. American Fog: Just two Yankees reach the third round. Ouch!
5. Justine Henin-Hardenne: No guts, no glory.
4. Mauresmo Matters: Nice girls can finish first (finally!).
3. Welcome Back, Martina: Same old Hingis, just better.
2. The Cyprus Is Right: Baghdatis crafts one of the brightest, most stunning “A Star Is Born” stories ever, along with Boris, Chris Lewis, Pam Shriver, Guga and Chrissie.
1. Roger Reigns (Again).

INSTRUCTIONAL TIP OF THE MONTH: When Russian Elena Vesnina netted yet another dropshot, Australia’s Channel 7 proclaimed, “That’s what she needs to work on if she is to progress: net clearance.”

HEADLINES OF THE MONTH: “Henin-Hardenne Took the Queasy Way Out” and “Ova-rated, Ova-paid, Ova-here”.

IT’S HARD TO ‘OVA-ESTIMATE’ THEIR IMPORTANCE: This year’s Aussie women’s draw had 19 “Ovas” and four “Evas”.

NEWC GOES NUCLEAR: John Newcombe said that Sharapova’s shriek-grunting was legalized cheating that deliberately obstructed players from hearing the ball come off the strings. But Alan Attwood countered that “what Newk appears to have forgotten is that...his trademark moustache represented a kind of offensive weapon and nobody tried to ban that.”

GO FIGURE: Nicolas Kiefer was not called for hindrance after tossing his racket during a volley exchange with Sebastien Grosjean...This was the first time in 12 Grand Slams that Hingis (i.e. Martina II) played and the first since Martina I (i.e., Navratilova) did not...Accused gambler Janet Jones (aka Mrs. Gretzky) was engaged to Vitas Gerulaitis...In three of his last Grand Slam losses, Roddick was “out-aced” by his opponent... Hingis was the lowest ranked quarterfinalist in 25 years — No. 349...14 of the 16 Aussie Open quarter-finalists were European... Dominik Hrbaty, who again sported his pink, ventilated shirt, said it helped keep him cool. But, after noting that Hrabaty had the highest ball toss in the game, Jon Wertheim asserted that “it’s as if the ball is trying to get as far away from that hideous pink shirt as possible”...Roddick is the only one of the last 11 Grand Slam champions who’s playing Davis Cup this year...There were four brother-combos at the La Jolla Davis Cup: The Bryans, McEnroes, Andy and John Roddick, and James and Thomas Blake.
BIGGEST TURN AROUND DOWN UNDER: Old conventional wisdom: Henin-Hardenne — gutsiest warrior on the WTA tour. New take: graceless, self-absorbed (“gotta bag it, I’ve got a sore tummy”) quitter.

YEAH, BUT PLEASE DON’T TELL JUSTINE: Hrbaty played four consecutive five-set matches, the fourth with seriously blistered feet.
WHO SAYS THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS FEDERER ENVY?: Kim Clijsters noted, “There’s no such thing as Ms. Federer in women’s tennis.”

TEARS: It was a wet Aussie Open. Not because it rained. The roofs there kept matters dry. And not because there was lots of spitting. Pundits warned fans to tote raincoats to the Hewitt — Juan Ignacio Chela match (since the Argentine spat at Lleyton during their infamous Davis Cup tie last year). But the meeting proved to be benign. Rather, the tourney featured many a breakdown as tears flowed or players recalled weepy moments. When Baghdatis first left home to train in a Paris tennis academy, he couldn’t stop crying. Plus, he wept when he first saw Federer on TV. As far as Roger, he explained that when he first emerged on tour, long before his dominance, that he continually made excuses: “It was too windy. It was too hot,” he remembered. “I was crying all the time.” At this year’s Aussie, all four finalists cried, and arguably the most poignant moment of the tourney (which sadly was omitted from ESPN2’s daytime broadcast) came during the awards ceremony when Federer — touched both by the moment and the prescence of Rod Laver — weapt like a kid. “I guess it’s all coming out, God,” said the usually composed Swiss.

FIELD REPORT — ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK: In golf, it’s Tiger vs. the field. In tennis, it’s Federer vs. the field. Yet at the Aussie Open, Roger struggled a bit, losing five sets. (Gasp!) He saved six set points against Nikolay Davydenko, eked out a five-setter against Tommy Haas and dropped the opening set to Baghdatis. Of course, none of Fed’s traditional foes really joined the battle (see feature), and when the Australian dust settled, the Swiss had distanced himself even more from the (still) perplexed field.

FED FAX:
• No. 1 — 103 consecutive weeks to break Sampras’ record of 102.
• Since Laver won in ‘69, only Fed and Sampras have won three
majors in a row.
• Fed won a record 47 straight hard court matches
• Has a best in modern tennis 7-0 streak in Slam finals.

HOW SWISS CAN YOU GET?: The first thing Federer did after coming off court after winning the Aussie Open was to put on his watch.

PARITY IN OUR TIMES: After it was noted that six current or former No. 1’s were in the Aussie women’s quarters, Cliff Drysdale asked, “When in history have there been so many women who have been able to win a tournament?”

HEY SERENA, WHAT DO YOU SAY?: Nick Bollettieri wrote an open letter to Serena in The Independent which asked: “Can you come back? A will to win and a determination to fight is no longer enough to get through a Grand Slam. I was asked to be Becker’s coach in ‘96 — his ranking had slipped to No. 16; he was out of shape. I asked him what he was willing to do. He said: ‘Whatever I have to do.’ I accepted and he did get back on top. If you would answer the same way...I would again work with you. I believe in you. In three months, you would be ready not only to challenge the world, but to kick its butt. What do you say?”

NOW WE CAN REST EASY: Serena wan on Martha Stewart’s TV show venting about all her baking probs.

CAN YOU BELIEVE?: Serena is ranked No. 39. Venus is No. 11.

SAY IT ISN’T SO: America’s top teen, Scoville Jenkins, is only ranked No. 249...In his loss to Grosjean, Coria suffered 23 double faults and didn’t serve a single ace.

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND: It used to be that Australia was the foremost island in tennis. Now if you’re looking for top-notch islanders, you better check out the Mediterranean (that would be Mallaorca’s Rafael Nadal and Carlos Moya, or Cyprus’ Marcos Baghdatis).

Rumors of It’s DEATH HAVE BEEN VASTLY EXAGGERATED: Just when folks were bemoaning that doubles was dead, the Bryans won the Aussie Open in a scintillating and widely seen TV match and John McEnroe, 47, came back and inspired the faithful as he became the oldest ATP player to win a match when he teamed with Jonas Bjorkman in dubs in San Jose.

NO KIDDING: Marcos Baghdatis said, “Maybe I pass one of my last days of not being so famous” ... A Daily Tennis headline read “Laver Likes Federer’s Future”... Mary Carillo asserted, “Serena’s got the most glorious body for this sport. If she only applied herself, she’d break every record.”

SAY THAT AGAIN: Reflecting on the greatest player in Australian history, Jim Courier quipped, “You’d have to think, that if he’d been around today, Rod Laver would have beaten Rod Laver.”...The Globe and Mail’s Tom Tebbutt noted that Martina Hingis was playing like the second coming of, well, Martina Hingis.

LIFE IMITATES TENNIS: Just as Bay Area reporters were seething over the failure of SAP Open authorities to inform them in a timely manner of the withdrawal of Agassi from the San Jose tournament (so they could let fans know about it in the morning papers), Washington reporters were seething over White House officials holding off on informing them of the vice president’s accidental shooting.

NOT SO MODEST MARTINA MEDLEY: Reflecting on Hingis’ comeback odyssey, Mary Carillo noted that “injuries and apathy settled in on the players who set her out of the game.” and added, “It’s never too late to be what you could have been.” Then Dick Enberg revealed the real reason Hingis came back. Last year Martina was part of the ESPN broadcasting team, but Enberg reported, “She had enough of us and said I’ve had enough so she went back to play.” The “still-immodest-after-all-these years” Hingis offered one sound bite after another, informing us that she was not coming back to play on court 17; rather, she was returning to defend her 2002 title. And despite all her extraordinary success, Martina insisted success was not coming fast enough.

DAVIS CUP SQUABBLE: After Charlie Pasarell contended that the Davis Cup “will be nothing” unless there are major changes in its problematic format, Aussie Neale Fraser responded, “I can assure you that the Davis Cup will be around a lot longer then Charlie and me and Charlie’s tournament.”

LOVE/HATE COMMENTARY OF THE MONTH: The Sydney Herald Morning wrote, “Love or hate Lleyton Hewitt, or love to hate him, or hate to love him, or hate those who love him or love those who love him — the public’s relationship with his guy gets more complex by the year.”

THE LLEYTON HEWITT-BARRY BONDS CONNECTION: Llyeton Hewitt is said to be the most hated sportsman in Australia, but in America, he only squeaked onto GQ magazine’s top ten list of the most hated athletes in sports. Terrel Owens and Barry Bonds topped GQ’s list.

ROLE REVERSALS: Ms. Nice — Kim Clijsters — twice chucked her racket on court.

TRULY A GRAVE CRIME: The Sydney Morning Herald noted that “Tommy Haas and Kiefer have both been tried and convicted of the gravest crime in German tennis — failing to be the next Boris Becker.”

THE MEANS DON’T JUSTIFY THE ENDS: The Melbourne Age reasoned that since “Kiefer said winning justified all. Long may he lose.” (And, by the way, one might say that justice was served when, just a few weeks after his loss to Kiefer, Sebastien Grosjean scored a huge Davis Cup win in Germany over his dirty-tricks rival.)

OKAY, BUT DOES HE KNOW THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING: Writer Nikki Tugwell noted that Buddhist devotee Paradorn Srichaphan is a “monk with a 205 km/h serve and searing one-handed backhand.”

THE BATTLE OF THE LAME ALIBIS: We thought that Karatancheva, 16, had the best excuse for testing positive for drugs. She said it was due to her pregnancy (although authorities found no evidence of that). She explained, “I just decided that I wanted to do it and then things got out of control.” But then Mariano Hood, yet another Argentine who was suspended for drugs, explained that he took the substance as part of his treatment for hair loss.

TOUGHEST COMMENTARY BY LINDSAY: Davenport said of Hingis, “You have to make Martina feel bad about her second serve.”

TOUGHEST COMMENTARY ON DAVENPORT: Brad Gilbert said that the problematic finisher was “quick at the start, slow to the gate.”

MOST THOUGHT PROVOKING ANALYSIS: Pat McEnroe noted that Federer has been most bothered by players who are big off the left side: Richard Gasquet, Marat Safin, Marcos Baghdatis, with their big backhands, and southpaw Rafael Nadal.

FROM HO TO BAGHDATIS TO FATIMA: Follow us here. Last fall the ATP featured the Vietnam Open in Ho Chi Minh City. (Okay, Mao dug tennis, why not Uncle Ho?) Then while brutal warfare continued on the streets of Iraq’s capital (that would be Baghdad), Baghdatis stole the Aussie Open show. So now what’s next — Fatima Fulajah sweeping to the French Open semis?

WAR AND PEACE: The beauty of international competitions like the Olympics and the Davis Cup is that, in a problematic world, they build goodwill through sport. (Or at least that’s what we were told.) So, dare we ask, wasn’t it a bit curious that the draw ceremony for the San Diego Davis Cup tie vs. Romania was held at a U.S. Marine base. (And how would we feel if we went to Russia or Romania and they held the draw there on one of their military bases?)

ONE WISE GENTLEMAN: After his big upset of Roddick, Baghdatis was asked whether he was going to scout his next opponent that evening. He responded, “My coach will be watching. I will be sleeping with my girlfriend.”

DREADED MONICA LEWINSKY FLASHBACK MOMENT OF THE MONTH: ESPN2’s typed display copy of Henin-Hardenne’s awards ceremony speech read: “I just want to thong to my coach.”

IT’S GREEK TO US:
1. BEST PLAYER OF GREEK ORIGIN: A fellow named Sampras.
2. BIGGEST SURPRISE IN GREEK/CYPRIOT TENNIS HISTORY: Marcos Baghdatis, a 500-1 shot, comes out of nowhere to beat three top-tenners to reach the AO final.
3. WORST MISPRONUNCIATION: The New York cabbie who continually referred to Mark Philippoussis as Mark Phila-POOP-us.
4. HARSHEST CRITIQUE: Peter Bodo asserted that the short version of Philippoussis’ career was that “Philippoussis is a big dumb kid who never really figured out how good he’s had it, and how easy it is to lose it. The slightly longer version: Pou is the biggest underachiever in the men’s game, constantly laid low by... his aversion to hard work and practice, and his inability to get past this whole Hugh Hefner wannabe thing. If he put as much effort into his game as into chasing fashionistas, celebrities and pop stars, you might be calling him the guy who keeps Federer from winning Wimbledon... Pou’s got this Zorba-esque lust for life, even if it ends up relegating his tennis career to a priority somewhere between reading up on the politics of the Middle East and cleaning out the cat box.”
5. BEST TENNIS EVENT IN ATHENS BEFORE THE ‘04 OLYMPICS: The NCAA finals in Athens, Georgia.
6. BEST WOMAN PLAYER IN GREEK HISTORY: Eleni Danilidou, who upset Henin at Wimbledon and cracked the top 20.
7. THE GREATEST TATTOO: Philippoussis’ tattoo of Alexander the Great is some of the best ink in the game (west of Ivanisevic and Mauresmo).
8. THE GREEK GODS MUST BE CRAZY: Federer wears Nike (the Greek god of victory), Baghdatis is all adidas.
9. MOST PAINFUL HISTORICAL STAT: In 86 years of combined Fed/Davis Cup play, Greece is 76-114.
10. BEST REFLECTION ON GREEK PSYCHICS: Bud Collins suggested, “If Cassandra, the ancient psychic who warned the Trojans about that horse, had been in the house yesterday, she would have cautioned: ‘Beware of a Greek bearing backhands!’”

RODDICK READER
—After his third-round Australian loss to Baghdatis, Andy confided, “There are no unanswered questions in my eyes as far as preparation and stuff like that. So you’re kind of left searching a little bit.”
—Wilander on Andy: “He’s gone from being a really great talent to not a great player anymore. Now he’s becoming ordinary, totally ordinary... He’s neutralized his own game and power; he’s neutralized himself.”
—Dean Goldfine on Andy: “The thing that happened to Andy...[that] hurt him and has been a bit of a curse, was winning the U.S. Open as young as he did when he wasn’t a complete player.”
—Andy, after his loss to Baghdatis: “I didn’t play that badly...and I won more total points.”
—“He’ll push me around and beat me up like he used to.” — Andy on his brother and new coach John
—“We called it operation recitation.” — Andy on his effort to recover from his Davis Cup upset stomach
—“Don’t puke, hold it in.” — Andy on what he learned from playing the Davis Cup tie vs. Romania.

WILL THE “PENN” AGAIN BE MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD: John McEnroe said if they were going to make a biopic about him, he would want to be portrayed by Sean Penn.

HINGIS' RISE CONTINUES: If anyone was doubting Martina Hingis’ ability to re-enter the top 10, just rewind the tape of her 6-3, 2-6 6-4 loss to Kim Clijsters in the quarters of the Aussie Open or her 6-3, 6-1 demolition of Maria Sharapova.

She’s still quick, a good deal stronger, smart and a true gamer. “Under all circumstances, I lost only 6-4 in the third against the No.1 player, so I don’t think it’s that bad,” the 25-year-old Hingis said. “It still gives me so much to look forward to because it was tight at the end. She has still the edge over me and she had it today (but) you can’t just (let) three years pass by, you can’t just think you’re going to step out there and win everything.”

Not everything, but close enough in her pursuit of her fourth Aussie Open crown. Hingis was not consistently overpowered in the match as her lightening fast hands and nimble feet allowed her to take the ball early and not get too strung out into the corners. Clijsters overmatched her from the forehand side, but Hingis returned very well off her weaker side and didn’t serve too badly. Clearly, Clijsters was not at her best, but neither was Hingis after her long hiatus.
“Speed is important,” Hingis said.” There’s definitely some things in my game I have to work on. But you know, I only had a short period of time to get ready, so I try to spend a lot of time on the court, It will be definitely important also to find a balance (in training) on and off court. I made the last eight, and all the other players are either former No. 1s or top-10 players. I’m one of them (and) if you make the final eight, you definitely have the belief...You think I’m just going to give up right now when I’m playing 6-4 against Clijsters?”

The next week, Hingis embarrassed defending champion Sharapova in the Tokyo semis. The manipulative, brainy Swiss had been calling out Sharapova for two months and when they got on court, reveled in the occasion and completely confused the 18-year-old with clever angles. Sharapova didn’t play smart and for the first time in memory, had no spark. That’s because Hingis had gotten into her head before the match and she wasn’t sure if she had the wherewithal to beat the legend.

As a longtime No. 1 and with five Grand Slam singles titles, Hingis is going for the top again, but she must remain cautious because even if she’s mentally ready, physically, she doesn’t appear to have the stamina to last a whole tournament yet. That was evident in her 6-2, 6-0 loss in the Tokyo final to Elena Dementieva, who has learned to play the ball. Hingis will now face many court-wise players, which means that her on court physical game will have to keep pace with her off court mental one. That will be her greatest challenge.

“It was probably one Russian too many,” said Hingis. “It used to be I had to play both Williams sisters and Lindsay Davenport, now it’s the Russians. [But] I have surpassed all my expectations of my comeback and feel very good knowing I can go out there and play with the best players in the world.”

THE JAMES & JIMMY CONNECTION: Jimmy Connors and James Blake not only have in common the two most compelling U.S. Open runs in memory, both had significant others who posed for male mags. Connors’ wife Patti was a Playboy centerfold, and Blake’s ex-girlfriend is in the current Maxim.

QUOTEBOOK:
“She has this huge vocabulary, but she doesn’t always speak up.” —Mary Carillo on the wise/quiet Amelie Mauresmo

“Kim Clijsters has had her back massaged more often than an IOC official in a city bidding for the Olympics.” —The Sydney Morning Herald

“The focus is not so much on the proliferation of her blunders as the magnitude of her bloomers.” —Martin Johnson on Serena

“The winner today was Cyprus. Thank you, Marcos. Thank you, my son” —Christo Baghdatis

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